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Thinking of you Mary, thanks for all of your strength and hope. god bless.....BW

Hi Melina, Boy it is sure good to hear you say that you are feeling better. Disloyal? I don't think so. It sounds more like progress to me. I was just e mailing a friend of mine that lost her husband about the same time I lost my wife last year. I just told her the same thing, my wife was diagnosed in December of 2008 and died in April of last year. That's just over two years of uncertainty and suffering. It was put to me like this "you have suffered just over two years, she has been done suffering for months and you continue, I think its time you stopped." I am starting to get that now. I had guilt at the first sign of relief but now have learned to embrace it. The relief will save me from spending the rest of my time here in misery...I know my wife did not want me to live out a sentence of grief and misery after she left here. I don't think it would be possible to love my wife more or hold her in higher regard, this IS part of the way I honor her is to feel better and move through this... she was not the type of person to get stuck in the problem... she lived in the solution. I choose to look for the bright spots today and hope you do the same. Good to hear you Melina, have a great day.....BW

Made it through the holidays. Happy New Year everyone, Yesterday was My wife's birthday. I still stopped at the same place on the way home and picked up a couple long stem red roses and acted as if. I know she still appreciates it. We always had a good time on our birthdays. It was a little rough at times yesterday. We will continue to get through these days and weeks. Every time I pass another "special" day, I realize that it hurts no matter what day it is, Tuesday hurts as bad as Friday or Sunday. My wife wants me to continue living. She also wanted me to remember her and I do that every single day. Part of what I remember is her strong desire to live life to the fullest and I need to live up to that for both of us. It is truly the highest honor I can pay her. I miss her desperately and know we will meet again some day, for now one foot in front of the other right? Have a great day everyone.....BW

You hit the nail on the head Mary, there is no way to really understand or "get it" until this happens to you. I still have people ask me "how are you getting along?" When you start to answer you get the blank look, the head nodding, and the trying to look sincere look. Like you said Mary, I do believe they mean well but there is no way that they understand. I never knew what any of this was like when I used to ask people how they were either. Unfortunately we know now. That is the nice thing about this group, we all feel it and we do "get it" when someone here feels bad we all feel it with them. I hope for better days, peace, and comfort for all of us today...take care everyone....BW

Hi wmjsca, I never realized when I was one of those happy festive people having fun and enjoying myself that people like us were suffering loss while we were having fun. This experience has opened my eyes to all sorts of things that I was oblivious to. I have found through getting out and putting my hand out to those around me I have actually run into people like us that have suffered great loss in the past months as well. I have had people put in my life lately by no accident (I believe), one of these people lost three friends in a climbing accident, another lost her husband to cancer, I have come across these people by getting out and talking to friends of friends and others that I never associated with before. We share the same bond as the people on this site. As awkward as it feels at times I have put myself in places and taken some interest in something outside my own little world. My wife was very good talking to people and making friends easily, she was very outgoing could talk to people about anything. I have tried to start practicing that and it is getting easier. One sure way to get out of my own head and feel better is to listen to others who are having difficulties and walking through the grief daily. I relate to these people and their stories. My first reaction was to draw the blinds, isolate and feel bad, now that has changed to getting up, moving around, and finding something to do or someone to talk with. Exercise has played a huge role in my recovery. Finishing projects my wife and I started is something I promised her before she died, they are all either finished or in the works. Counseling has saved me, I know I have beat this one to death but is has been very instrumental in my attitude towards living and moving through this. I feel better now than I have in months....this does still change minute to minute some days but I know what to do now. I have rambled on long enough tonight, I care about each and every person here, you have all helped me through these days as well. I send positive thoughts and prayers your way....Take care and thank you all......BW

Thank you all again for your kind responses and inspiration..Happy New Year to all, we have made it through the holidays and are on the other side. Hoping for a great 2011. BW

Hi Redwind, I am sending positive thoughts your direction. Some days it feels like we just stall out and it's hard to get going again. We wonder if this is truly all there is. I recently started forcing myself to socialize and do things that are uncomfortable and it has helped to keep me from isolation. The therapy has been a good thing also, I was skeptical at first but it has proven to be a useful tool in getting through all of this. It's hard to wrap our minds around all of this stuff and can get totally overwhelming at times. I keep telling myself "this is all temporary" One Day At A Time has never been this up close and personal to me. People use this phrase all the time but I doubt many actually do it. Grieving our loved ones is a huge chore and requires a lot of patience with ourselves, something I have struggled with for years. All I can say is please hang in there and know others care and you are not alone. Hoping for a better 2011....take care.....BW

I have been posting here since this summer. My wife passed away from cancer in April of this year. I have been so lost and devastated from time to time that I didn't know if it was possible to feel human again. Something is happening lately, the fog has lifted slightly and I am starting to see the sun coming out again. I have been involved in some intense therapy since May and have started to reap the benefits lately. The feelings of hopelessness have been replaced with some joy and hope for better days. There are still days that the wheels fall off and the whole thing crashes down but it seems to get put back together quicker now. Christmas a week ago, yesterday my wedding anniversary, and tonight New years, I continue to work my way through these tricky times and come out the other side (with all of your help). Each time this happens it strengthens my hope for recovery from all of this. If you are new here or are having a rough time please know that it is possible to feel o.k. and we will recover. Today is a good day so far, who knows what the next day or even the next hour will bring. I have to remember to live in the moment and try and be patient and kind with myself. Thank you all for helping me....BW

Hi PopPop, I can relate for sure as well as everyone else here. This thing is so up and down it's beyond roller coaster. All I know is that I've learned to really enjoy the good days and kinda stock up so to speak for the bad ones. I feel like I might be turning the corner between denial and acceptance sometimes. I have gotten a little better and know that recovery from trauma and grief is possible. I have gone from forcing myself into socializing to actually enjoying some company. That was a huge stretch for me at first. I have a pretty good network of friends and have made some new ones in the process. Thank god for the guys who have stuck by me through this, I am a very fortunate man. I know my wife would not want me to sit and be miserable so I try not to be, some days are better than others though, is it the time of year? It probably compounds it I'm sure but in reality it wouldn't matter what day it is, we miss them desperately. I remain grateful for the people that have been put in my life, including of course the ones on this site. You have all been a huge help in my journey, good luck Pop and have a great day.....BW

Hi Suzanne, I have talked with a few people who have had success with this and believe the same things work. There is no magic or trick to it. It is not a huge billboard type sign that you see, it is more of a subtle feeling that you learn to be in tune with. I started therapy a couple weeks after my wife passed. After basically watching her die for 14 months, I didn't realize how much that had traumatized me at the time it was happening. After she passed, I started having horrible flashbacks and a lot of anxiety, it was pretty much paralyzing me. A friend of mine who had suffered ptsd had gone to therapy and had some treatment that helped him drastically with his flashbacks. I did the same thing. I have gone every week for 7 months and am finishing up now. To make a long story short, it is believed that we must first clear the heavy trauma and grief before we can truly make a good solid connection. That is how it was explained to me. I actually started to get it at one of my therapy sessions. It was not the technique at therapy that made the connection but I think it cleared the way. The rest is practice. I speak to my wife all the time as if she is standing next to me. I ask her daily what she thinks before I make a decision. It is a feeling in my heart more than any kind of physical sign. I can feel her tell me things. Sometimes when I get upset I can feel her tell me "I am standing behind you with my arms around you..It's o.k...I'm o.k." Might sound nuts and I really don't mind what others think, she knows and I know...that's all that counts. I have talked with others who experience the same thing, some more intense and others not so much. I really hope and pray that we can all find relief, our partners are at rest and we still suffer some days. I'm sure none of them want that for us. I have to be patient and know that some days are just not fun but I will get through it. When I can stay out of the way and just let it happen, that's when I feel it the most. I really wish you good luck Suzanne....take care...BW

Thanks Nick, I'll see your life quote and raise you one..."The most beautiful things in life cannot be seen or touched, they can only be felt with the heart." (Helen Keller)

Hi Suzanne, Hope you're feeling better. I'll keep you in my thoughts today. Dan's presence and memories will go with you in your heart wherever you end up. My wife passed here at home and I feel her presence throughout the house. I found the connection with her this summer and she is with me always. When I can quiet my mind and be still long enough, it is as if she is right next to me whether I am at home, work or driving down the road. I hope you can find some peace with all of this. Take care...BW

My heart is full of gratitude this morning and I was thinking along the same line when I opened my computer this morning. I have a couple people from this site that I speak to daily as well as reading the posts from day to day. My first post on here was titled "I am lost" and I still feel lost for sure but this site and the people on it have made the worst experience of my life a little easier to handle. The kindness and sharing are very inspiring. We have never met but share a common bond, like people in a shipwreck learning to rely on one another. We don't all feel bad on the same day so there is usually someone that can put a bright spot in darkest day of somebody else or at the very least let them know that they are not alone. I would also like to thank you all for your loving support......BW

Hi Loretta, Sorry to hear about your husband and I'm sorry you had to find this site. I am grateful this forum is here, it has literally saved me at times. The people here offer comfort and insight. We truly understand and feel your pain. Eight years, Jody was a warrior. Cancer is a brutal disease with absolutely no regard for the people it effects. I watched my sweet wife suffer from it and it has weighed heavy on me as it has others in the group. Please take the time to try and eat and rest as much as possible and use this site to help with the loneliness. There is strength in numbers and the people here are glad to help. We are all in this together and you are not alone. I understand the anxiety also, take a deep breath and ask for help when this happens. We have to remember to breathe and be patient and kind with ourselves. Take care.....BW

Hi Nancy, The flash back or reliving experience seems to be pretty common with people that I have talked with. We have suffered huge loss and in some cases were forced to watch the people we loved pass in front of our eyes. It is hard enough to imagine them gone now but to have to go back and relive some of those moments can be brutal. I was having the same trouble and it got pretty intense at times, I did some counseling the past 6-7 months that dealt specifically with desensitizing these traumatic scenes going through my head constantly. It has finally worked. I still have them from time to time but the intensity and duration have decreased dramatically. I know they say time heals all wounds but a little outside help has made a difference fro me along with time. We will recover and get through this. I really hope you feel better today, take care...BW

Hi Melina, Christmas and holidays in a couple weeks, our wedding anniversary on the 30th, her birthday on the 6th of January. There's a lot of special days to take in all for the first time without her no doubt. I'm trying to think of some new ways to celebrate these landmarks now. They are still special times that need to be acknowledged. My wife passed away on my birthday so I'm sure that it will be a very special day for me this year. I'm thinking some time with our boys, a good meal, some story telling about their mom just like when she was here sounds pretty good to me. Why not some dinner and cake? Buy yourself something nice and celebrate your time together. I know now that it's going to be o.k. no matter what, some days are better than others but we will recover from this. Take care of yourself and try to enjoy the day...BW

Lots of light, humidity, and acidic soil. You'll be just fine.

My wife loved fresh flowers and I have brought home literally thousands of them over the years. When she passed in April I had her cremated and her ashes are in a room where I sit in the mornings and meditate before work. There are a lot of her personal things, pictures of us and the boys in there. The room used to be her office and she spent a lot of time in there. I put fresh flowers in there every week for the first couple months but found it a little hard to keep up with after time so I went out and bought a Gardenia and planted it in a pot in the corner of the room by the window. Gardenias smell beautiful and were one of her favorites but can be a bit temperamental to grow . A lot of people told me that it wouldn't grow indoors very well but it is absolutely beautiful. When it was in bloom, you could smell it through the house. I have provided artificial light and humidity and it seems to like being in that room so far. I studied up on soil conditioning and proper care for these plants. Its been in there for 3-4 months now and I can't wait until it blooms again. There is an Arabian Jasmine outside the window that I planted right after she died (another of her favorites) I sprinkled a little of her ashes in when I planted it. It sits on the front patio and greets me every day as I come and go, they also smell beautiful. I told some people about it and the teased me about catering to these plants like I have but they really are beautiful and are great reminders of my girl. I am sure she approves......BW

Hi Suzzer, Sorry to hear about your partner and so sorry you ended up here. This is a place of comfort and kindness. It is helping me through a very hard time in my life. We all share a common bond here. The people in this forum truly understand what you are feeling. I am not much for giving advice but I can tell you what has worked well so far for me. Eating well and trying to rest at first are very difficult but must be done to get through the day. Getting out of the house and working or exercising each day even when I don't want to helps a lot. Isolation is not good, I have gotten out and socialized or at least tried to even when I don't feel like it. I took on some personal counseling that has helped immensely with the grief. We are all here for you and hoping you are feeling a little better today. God bless and take care...BW

Good morning Ladies, As I read your posts I sit here and think about the same types of things that went through my head. I have been over and over the last few weeks and months of my wife's battle with cancer and wondered if we should have at least backed off the radiation and chemo so her quality of life that she had left could have been a bit better. She was a warrior and was convinced to slug it out to the end so that is what she chose. I can second guess this thing to death some days and always come to the same spot, it just was not going to happen. She made it for 16 months after diagnosis. Thank God her suffering is over. Now if we could all get through ours I know that they would be happier. This is a slow process to say the least. I am confident that someday things will look different. Not to say that I will wake up and be struck "grief free" but I know everything in this life is temporary. My wife would not want to see me in this condition anymore than I wanted to see her sick, so my goal is to recover from this but I have to try and give myself time and be patient. That is the hard part.....Thanks for being here for me..BW

Hi Melina, I have not found any kind of set pattern to this ordeal. I have read things about the stages of grief, patterns, and so on. The only thing I know for sure is that it is very inconstant. One day I feel o.k. or that I am gaining ground only to fall flat out the next. I haven't found one month to be to different from the last. There are small glimmers of progress from day to day and it is not quite as intense at times. When I have a setback, it does not seem to last as long. These are signs that I am recovering, very slowly though. This wound will take time but I have faith that it will get easier some day. None of us could have ever prepared for what was put in front of us. As corny as it sounds, "one day at a time" is the only thought that brings me comfort sometimes. It might even be a minute or a second at a time. I have to remember to breath. We will get through this. As I have said many times here before, I don't know what the heck "normal" looks like anymore but I would sure like to get close to it again someday. Take care...BW

Thanks everyone for your kind replies. Can't quite get on board with you tonight NATS, nothing personal my friend. I'm happy that you have found someone to share companionship and comfort and also someone who understands the power of grief. Some of us are still quite alone and do not share the same religious beliefs you do. I have a loving higher power in my life and I believe as you do that my wife is standing with this force as we speak. I don't think it is as selfish as it is realistic in our world to wish they were back here with us. I have no doubt in my mind that my wife's spirit lives on in my heart and all around me in a positive energy. It will surely take time to get used to her physical presence no longer being here though. I remain grateful for every second that I spent with this woman and I know we will meet again. Once again thank you all for your friendship and caring....BW

Everyone says that the holidays are harder. Truth is, every day is hard when it comes to grief and experiencing the great loss in our lives. It was 7 months the 29th of November. I get the feeling sometimes that people around me think I should be moving on more than I am. That is only my take on it though. I have done a lot in the past months. Counseling, participating on this site, and trying to get out and socialize more. Truth is I have never been more lonely in my life. I can feel totally alone in a crowd, at a party, or at dinner with friends. I really want to think it will change some day and I do believe it will. This time of year is definitely harder, the days are shorter and it's cold out so it seems to amplify the fact that I am alone. The holidays the past few years have been stressed to say the least. My wife was having her original surgery December 19th of 08, started her radiation the day before Thanksgiving of 09 after suffering through 8 months of chemo before that. My fond memories of the holidays are clouded by the past couple seasons so I really have to dig deep to try and find the spirit right now. There was a time though that we did enjoy the holidays. I am a very fortunate man and remain grateful for all of the good years. Maybe I'm just feeling a little sorry for myself right now. I relate to pretty much everything on this forum and I know a lot of you feel the same right now. This is one place that I do not feel so alone. Thank you all for being here for me. Take care my friends....BW

Still wearing mine, I think she will let me know in spirit if and when I'm not married anymore. I had someone tell me the other day that she might give me the boot some day but she hasn't done so yet. BW

I have to really rely on my gut feelings right now. I have had to make some pretty high stress decisions financially the past months and I am giving myself as much time as I possibly can. If it does not feel right I wait. I have spent a lot of money taking care of business since my wife passed and feel like I have made some good choices. If I struggle with any, I step back and wait, give it another day or week or whatever is needed. These times are very hard to make good sound decisions and another day or two can make all the difference in the world. When all else fails I ask my wife just as though she were still here, she has helped me through a few of them. I am a heavy duty fleet mechanic and have always been in favor of getting estimates for work, most reputable shops will diagnose free and allow you time to make a decision on the work that they are recommending. Try to find a friend or someone who has had work done somewhere and had a good experience and go to that shop and get an estimate, tell them you are not ready to have the work done yet but are trying to find out how much it will cost. You are not obligated to anyone for anything as long as you don't authorize them to make the repairs. Most places will do this for you. Good luck and take care...BW