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Thinking of you Mary, thanks for all of your strength and hope. god bless.....BW

Hi Melina, Boy it is sure good to hear you say that you are feeling better. Disloyal? I don't think so. It sounds more like progress to me. I was just e mailing a friend of mine that lost her husband about the same time I lost my wife last year. I just told her the same thing, my wife was diagnosed in December of 2008 and died in April of last year. That's just over two years of uncertainty and suffering. It was put to me like this "you have suffered just over two years, she has been done suffering for months and you continue, I think its time you stopped." I am starting to get that now. I had guilt at the first sign of relief but now have learned to embrace it. The relief will save me from spending the rest of my time here in misery...I know my wife did not want me to live out a sentence of grief and misery after she left here. I don't think it would be possible to love my wife more or hold her in higher regard, this IS part of the way I honor her is to feel better and move through this... she was not the type of person to get stuck in the problem... she lived in the solution. I choose to look for the bright spots today and hope you do the same. Good to hear you Melina, have a great day.....BW

Made it through the holidays. Happy New Year everyone, Yesterday was My wife's birthday. I still stopped at the same place on the way home and picked up a couple long stem red roses and acted as if. I know she still appreciates it. We always had a good time on our birthdays. It was a little rough at times yesterday. We will continue to get through these days and weeks. Every time I pass another "special" day, I realize that it hurts no matter what day it is, Tuesday hurts as bad as Friday or Sunday. My wife wants me to continue living. She also wanted me to remember her and I do that every single day. Part of what I remember is her strong desire to live life to the fullest and I need to live up to that for both of us. It is truly the highest honor I can pay her. I miss her desperately and know we will meet again some day, for now one foot in front of the other right? Have a great day everyone.....BW

You hit the nail on the head Mary, there is no way to really understand or "get it" until this happens to you. I still have people ask me "how are you getting along?" When you start to answer you get the blank look, the head nodding, and the trying to look sincere look. Like you said Mary, I do believe they mean well but there is no way that they understand. I never knew what any of this was like when I used to ask people how they were either. Unfortunately we know now. That is the nice thing about this group, we all feel it and we do "get it" when someone here feels bad we all feel it with them. I hope for better days, peace, and comfort for all of us today...take care everyone....BW

Hi wmjsca, I never realized when I was one of those happy festive people having fun and enjoying myself that people like us were suffering loss while we were having fun. This experience has opened my eyes to all sorts of things that I was oblivious to. I have found through getting out and putting my hand out to those around me I have actually run into people like us that have suffered great loss in the past months as well. I have had people put in my life lately by no accident (I believe), one of these people lost three friends in a climbing accident, another lost her husband to cancer, I have come across these people by getting out and talking to friends of friends and others that I never associated with before. We share the same bond as the people on this site. As awkward as it feels at times I have put myself in places and taken some interest in something outside my own little world. My wife was very good talking to people and making friends easily, she was very outgoing could talk to people about anything. I have tried to start practicing that and it is getting easier. One sure way to get out of my own head and feel better is to listen to others who are having difficulties and walking through the grief daily. I relate to these people and their stories. My first reaction was to draw the blinds, isolate and feel bad, now that has changed to getting up, moving around, and finding something to do or someone to talk with. Exercise has played a huge role in my recovery. Finishing projects my wife and I started is something I promised her before she died, they are all either finished or in the works. Counseling has saved me, I know I have beat this one to death but is has been very instrumental in my attitude towards living and moving through this. I feel better now than I have in months....this does still change minute to minute some days but I know what to do now. I have rambled on long enough tonight, I care about each and every person here, you have all helped me through these days as well. I send positive thoughts and prayers your way....Take care and thank you all......BW

Thank you all again for your kind responses and inspiration..Happy New Year to all, we have made it through the holidays and are on the other side. Hoping for a great 2011. BW

Hi Redwind, I am sending positive thoughts your direction. Some days it feels like we just stall out and it's hard to get going again. We wonder if this is truly all there is. I recently started forcing myself to socialize and do things that are uncomfortable and it has helped to keep me from isolation. The therapy has been a good thing also, I was skeptical at first but it has proven to be a useful tool in getting through all of this. It's hard to wrap our minds around all of this stuff and can get totally overwhelming at times. I keep telling myself "this is all temporary" One Day At A Time has never been this up close and personal to me. People use this phrase all the time but I doubt many actually do it. Grieving our loved ones is a huge chore and requires a lot of patience with ourselves, something I have struggled with for years. All I can say is please hang in there and know others care and you are not alone. Hoping for a better 2011....take care.....BW

I have been posting here since this summer. My wife passed away from cancer in April of this year. I have been so lost and devastated from time to time that I didn't know if it was possible to feel human again. Something is happening lately, the fog has lifted slightly and I am starting to see the sun coming out again. I have been involved in some intense therapy since May and have started to reap the benefits lately. The feelings of hopelessness have been replaced with some joy and hope for better days. There are still days that the wheels fall off and the whole thing crashes down but it seems to get put back together quicker now. Christmas a week ago, yesterday my wedding anniversary, and tonight New years, I continue to work my way through these tricky times and come out the other side (with all of your help). Each time this happens it strengthens my hope for recovery from all of this. If you are new here or are having a rough time please know that it is possible to feel o.k. and we will recover. Today is a good day so far, who knows what the next day or even the next hour will bring. I have to remember to live in the moment and try and be patient and kind with myself. Thank you all for helping me....BW

Hi PopPop, I can relate for sure as well as everyone else here. This thing is so up and down it's beyond roller coaster. All I know is that I've learned to really enjoy the good days and kinda stock up so to speak for the bad ones. I feel like I might be turning the corner between denial and acceptance sometimes. I have gotten a little better and know that recovery from trauma and grief is possible. I have gone from forcing myself into socializing to actually enjoying some company. That was a huge stretch for me at first. I have a pretty good network of friends and have made some new ones in the process. Thank god for the guys who have stuck by me through this, I am a very fortunate man. I know my wife would not want me to sit and be miserable so I try not to be, some days are better than others though, is it the time of year? It probably compounds it I'm sure but in reality it wouldn't matter what day it is, we miss them desperately. I remain grateful for the people that have been put in my life, including of course the ones on this site. You have all been a huge help in my journey, good luck Pop and have a great day.....BW

Hi Suzanne, I have talked with a few people who have had success with this and believe the same things work. There is no magic or trick to it. It is not a huge billboard type sign that you see, it is more of a subtle feeling that you learn to be in tune with. I started therapy a couple weeks after my wife passed. After basically watching her die for 14 months, I didn't realize how much that had traumatized me at the time it was happening. After she passed, I started having horrible flashbacks and a lot of anxiety, it was pretty much paralyzing me. A friend of mine who had suffered ptsd had gone to therapy and had some treatment that helped him drastically with his flashbacks. I did the same thing. I have gone every week for 7 months and am finishing up now. To make a long story short, it is believed that we must first clear the heavy trauma and grief before we can truly make a good solid connection. That is how it was explained to me. I actually started to get it at one of my therapy sessions. It was not the technique at therapy that made the connection but I think it cleared the way. The rest is practice. I speak to my wife all the time as if she is standing next to me. I ask her daily what she thinks before I make a decision. It is a feeling in my heart more than any kind of physical sign. I can feel her tell me things. Sometimes when I get upset I can feel her tell me "I am standing behind you with my arms around you..It's o.k...I'm o.k." Might sound nuts and I really don't mind what others think, she knows and I know...that's all that counts. I have talked with others who experience the same thing, some more intense and others not so much. I really hope and pray that we can all find relief, our partners are at rest and we still suffer some days. I'm sure none of them want that for us. I have to be patient and know that some days are just not fun but I will get through it. When I can stay out of the way and just let it happen, that's when I feel it the most. I really wish you good luck Suzanne....take care...BW

Thanks Nick, I'll see your life quote and raise you one..."The most beautiful things in life cannot be seen or touched, they can only be felt with the heart." (Helen Keller)

Hi Suzanne, Hope you're feeling better. I'll keep you in my thoughts today. Dan's presence and memories will go with you in your heart wherever you end up. My wife passed here at home and I feel her presence throughout the house. I found the connection with her this summer and she is with me always. When I can quiet my mind and be still long enough, it is as if she is right next to me whether I am at home, work or driving down the road. I hope you can find some peace with all of this. Take care...BW

My heart is full of gratitude this morning and I was thinking along the same line when I opened my computer this morning. I have a couple people from this site that I speak to daily as well as reading the posts from day to day. My first post on here was titled "I am lost" and I still feel lost for sure but this site and the people on it have made the worst experience of my life a little easier to handle. The kindness and sharing are very inspiring. We have never met but share a common bond, like people in a shipwreck learning to rely on one another. We don't all feel bad on the same day so there is usually someone that can put a bright spot in darkest day of somebody else or at the very least let them know that they are not alone. I would also like to thank you all for your loving support......BW

Hi Loretta, Sorry to hear about your husband and I'm sorry you had to find this site. I am grateful this forum is here, it has literally saved me at times. The people here offer comfort and insight. We truly understand and feel your pain. Eight years, Jody was a warrior. Cancer is a brutal disease with absolutely no regard for the people it effects. I watched my sweet wife suffer from it and it has weighed heavy on me as it has others in the group. Please take the time to try and eat and rest as much as possible and use this site to help with the loneliness. There is strength in numbers and the people here are glad to help. We are all in this together and you are not alone. I understand the anxiety also, take a deep breath and ask for help when this happens. We have to remember to breathe and be patient and kind with ourselves. Take care.....BW

Hi Nancy, The flash back or reliving experience seems to be pretty common with people that I have talked with. We have suffered huge loss and in some cases were forced to watch the people we loved pass in front of our eyes. It is hard enough to imagine them gone now but to have to go back and relive some of those moments can be brutal. I was having the same trouble and it got pretty intense at times, I did some counseling the past 6-7 months that dealt specifically with desensitizing these traumatic scenes going through my head constantly. It has finally worked. I still have them from time to time but the intensity and duration have decreased dramatically. I know they say time heals all wounds but a little outside help has made a difference fro me along with time. We will recover and get through this. I really hope you feel better today, take care...BW