It All Started 18 Years Ago Today

[niamh]

Today is the 18th anniversary of my Mom's sister and I suddenly feel this overwhelming sadness for every loss. She was my Godmother and was adored by everyone. My cousins and I often talk about the way things would be if she were here today, she would probably be our best friend, would get all the gossip from us, things we'd never tell our parents.

It was my Dad told me that night, he and my Mom had gone to visit her and my poor Mom found her. They came home late, I was in bed and overheard my Dad saying to my Mom that they should go out to their other sister to tell her. I knew something was wrong, my Dad walked into my bedroom and all that went through my head was "no, I've never lost anyone close to me" but my gut knew something was really wrong and then he told me and just hugged me so so tight as I screamed.

That was the start of it, lost my Gran is 1997 who I also adored and was so close to. Then my Mom's only other sibling in 2006.

For some reason it just all seems to be suddenly hitting me right now as I type this, thinking of all of them including my Dad, wishing I had him here to hug me like he did that night and the day of my last Aunt's funeral..........as they closed the casket, I lost it but he just held me so so tight, so safely.

All these good people, everyone I adored taken from me. I knew this morning what today was but it just suddenly seems to have hit me real hard.

We were always a small family but now so many of them gone, I feel left behind, I feel left out. I feel so lonely for my Mom too. I JUST WANT MY DADDY, I NEED ONE OF THOSE HUGS.

ok can't write anymore, I'm in work and the tears are just coming fast, I need to get out of here,.

thanks for listening and being there, hugs to you all,

Niamh

x

[loulou]

I'm sorry Niamh,for all your loss.I know the anniversary of your dad is coming up in a month and a few weeks.As I was reading your post I began to think of my long line of loss...My Dad's whole side of the family is gone with the exception of his sister.Mine seeems to start on the night I never speak of,when I witnessed a good friend murdered at 17.She was sweet,and it was traumatic.I lived with my grandma and grandpa for a good period of time.My grandma went first,less then a year my grandpa.Lately I think of my dad having to lose them...why did I not understand how hard it was at the time for him?Now with him leaving me,I cant seem to move on without him.I wonder if the pain will ever stop..or if I even want it to.I think of all the holidays,every one,spending it with them,now gone.I have no family left,my mom who is not close to me,my brother,who dosnt hold a relationship with me.I miss my Dad too Niamh.So much.I know your pain so well...

[sunstreet]

Niamh, I see your pain and I understand it. I am just so sorry for all your loss. I have had a great deal of loss in my life as well. Today I am thinking especially of my Father. He battled Alzheimer's so gracefully. I too know that deep rooted pain of just wanting your Daddy. One thing I do for myself when I am needing a hug, is too find a quiet spot that feels safe to me, and I close my eyes and I literally wrap my arms around myself, and essentially hug myself. It in no way replaces what we have lost, but if we can just imagine that it is a hug from all those that have died and were so dear to us.

I offer you a cyberspace hug.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[niamh]

thank you loulou sweetie, I'm so sorry for all yours too. You know I too have been thinking lately about when my Dad lost his Mom, he was on vacation and had to travel over 15 hours to get home and my Mom always spoke after about how from the moment he was told, he did not utter a word until he got home. (and he was a BIG talker!!) I don't remember much of him talking/not talking about it all afterwards. Like you I never knew, never even thought he was having a hard time of it, he never really talked of it and I was ignorant to grief at the time. Wish I knew different but that's life I guess.

I can't imagine the pain ever going away, maybe somedays it comes to the surface like yesterday for me, maybe other days it just stays inside.

love you loads honey. ((((())))))

Carol Ann, thank you too for your kindness and your hug and I'm sorry for the loss of you dear Daddy aswell. you're so right, nothing can replace what we've lost but there just is something to be said for those that understand, send a hug my way, it's a little antispetic for the wound and I appreciate it so much.

HUGS to you too.

Niamh

[2sweetgirls]

I'm so sorry, Niamh, for all of your loss. I also think of how our parents dealt with the loss of their parents. I don't remember dad saying much about it - I mean I felt sad but mostly for my dad (mom's parents were both gone by the time I was born). We lived in America and they lived in Italy so I wasn't close to them. My maternal grandmother died when my mom was only 9. Can you imagine how that affects a 9 year old that is put into a convent to be raised by mean nuns? I can't. I know it shapes you as a person. In spite of that my mom was a loving, wonderful person who would literally take the shirt off her back if she loved you. I was lucky to have that love. My dad always said the words "I love you" (mom, of course, said it too) but sometimes men have trouble saying the words. My dad didn't. He said it all the time. In fact, my brother and I say to each other everytime we hang up the phone or see each other. Sometimes he calls me just to say it. It's nice to hear it even though you know it.

18 years is a long time and a lot of loss, I'm so sorry. I can understand how it come back and feels so fresh. I just can't see then end of the road for grief. I think we will always grieve. I wish I could say something or wave a magic wand to take away all you pain. Plainly, we both know it's not that easy. I would like to send you a great big hug and just imagine it's your daddy's hug - so tight so safe.

Please take care of yourself.

2sweetgirls

[DebFromLodi]

Can I just say how i wish i would have known the kind of love you all had with your dads? My dad was an alcoholic and i think he loved us, in his way, but he never showed us or told us. so i grew up with a void in my life, and i went through life trying to replace the love of a father. Sounds like i am feeling sorry for myself, and i am sorry if that is what i am doing. i guess you can't miss something you never had though.

my mom loved the four of us enough for both of them, and she told us and showed us daily. i have never doubted her love. when i lost her on 2/2/08 at 11:34 am, i lost my self. i miss her so much.

i am praying for everyone here to heal and may we all receive a sign from above.

[niamh]

thanks 2sweetgirls. Wow your Mom had a tough childhood by the sounds of it, I cannot fathom losing a parent at 9, at 34 it's hard enough to try to comprehend. That's so lovely your brother and you do that. I've never said it so much to my Mom as I do now. I think sometimes we do need a reminder that someone still loves us when we feel so lonely.

Yep I too think I will always grieve, it's just part of me now, how could it ever go away, the only way would be if my Dad came back which is not going to happen.

thanks a million for the hug. Sending 2 very special ones your way & hope that your Mom & Dad can carry them across the water and give them straight to you

Deb, I'm so sorry your Dad didn't show his love to you in a more open way, I wish everyone could have a Dad like I had because everyone deserves it. No apologies needed at all hun, I can't imagine how hard it was for you missing out on that.Nothing wrong with feeling sorry for ourselves either, I know I do too at times. I'm glad you had your Mom and that she had so much love. I do think we lose part of ourselves when we lose a parent or both parents. Yes I hope so so much all the time for a sign from up there, a sign that I absolutely cannot doubt, cannot question and I wish that for all of us. BIG HUG to you Deb

I'm thinking of all of you so much lately with thanksgiving coming up. We don't have it here but I know the pain of Christmas coming up for me so I can just about imagine....... you are all in my thoughts.

love to all,

N