I Feel So Betrayed By My Father

[Lostdaughter]

I received an email from my brother yesterday regarding my dad's trust. Both he and my other brother are co-trustees. Basically, dad wrote the trust in 1996 (before the onset on Alzheimer's?) and then amended it in 2001. My brothers have it at their sole discretion as to who gets what and in what amounts. My Mom is forbidden from naming any other trustee she is related to. Then there is a section I don't understand at all, but it would seem my brothers can spend his money at will as long as Mom is provided for.

To say I am hurt and outraged is an understatement. Both of my brothers have a lot of money and it's my sister and I who struggle to make ends meet. I always knew my Dad was better with boys than girls, but this?! I am crying as I type this. When he sold his company he made SURE his MEN were provided for. Yet he's given my brothers the authority to dole out his estate at their whim. Nowhere in that amendment were my sister or I even mentioned.

There IS a reason I am single and so messed up with regards to men. How could my father do this to me? I'm not stupid. I'm responsible and have an MBA. Had I known then what I know now, I would not have even attended his funeral. Oh, and in the event neither of my brothers would be able to execute their responsibilities, an independent third party was to be named.

[west]

I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. It is difficult to deal with the loss of a parent, but to know how he felt towards his son is very sad. Is your mom able to speak to them? My sympathy...

[Lostdaughter]

Thanks, there are two sons. I don't want to involve my Mom in this, as it will just bring her heartache. I will be calling a lawyer on Monday. At this point, I need to see what I'm dealing with. The worst part is to have been so disregarded by my father. I never knew him - at all. He might have pretended to love me, but he didn't. That is the hard part to cope with.

And the WORST part of this is I remember all the plane trips and just grieving the loss of him. All the drunk plane trips as I just could not cope. I remember returning to CA and being so distraught I broke a rib - and over what? Someone who had already written me off at that point? All the torment I went through dealing with his Alzheimer's and for what? To be betrayed in the end? All the tears? All the duplicity? All the pain?

I went through HELL dealing with my Dad's Alzheimer's for so many years - at least dating back to 2002. Only to discover I was never important...what a slap in the face. What an ultimate betrayal and by blood.

Oh, and this is not about money. I am ready to cut myself off completely from everything and everyone. It will kill my mother and it will kill me, but I will let my brother explain that amendment to her. I just can't take the duplicity anymore. Truth is I have an education (not that my father ever encouraged it) and other things going for me. I believe I can make it on my own.

[2sweetgirls]

Lostdaughter,

I am SOOOOOOOOO sorry that this is happening to you. You have EVERY right to feel this way. Of course, it's not about money, it about respect and love from your father. If he decided to give his entire estate to charity then it would be fair. Children should be treated equally. I can't imagine how you feel. I'm so sorry.

Are you able to talk to your brothers? I hope that you can. Maybe if you talk to them and explain how you feel, they'll do the right thing that your father didn't.

I am fortunate that my brother and I are extremely close. We agreed that the estate would NOT come between us. But, my parents left everything to us equally.

I hope it can all be worked out. Sending hugs to you.

2sweetgirls

[Lostdaughter]

No, my only "leverage" at this point (sorry for the poor choice of words) is to cut off all contact and that includes my mother. Truth is, I love her so much, but I just cannot endure this injustice. As to my brothers, no. I ruined things when I said what I really thought - even though true- that I'd been treated like a POS my entire lifetime by all of them.

Scarily enough, I'm looking around this house realizing I'd be worth more dead than alive. And I'm even thinking about my will. I am so sad and I just see sorrow and betrayal everywhere. Even my own father! If you should be able to count on anyone, it should be your dad - especially an upstanding one who pretends to care, does not drink, does not hit, etc. Just does not love you. But then that seems to be the theme of my life. I don't get why. I volunteer at two places and am upbeat. I try to not share my pain. Just makes no sense.

[heartaches]

I am so very sorry this is happening to you.

You have every right to be angry and upset.

But my heart screams to you....please do not shut out your mother.

Your mother has nothing to do with this, she is not responsible for this. Your dad and her are two different people.

I am sure your mother loves you, and you love her.

As for your father,...is a generation thing? This happens in the older generation.

For example, in the rural farming community, sons would always be given the land (worth a lot) and the daughters would be given a

sum of money, and expected that their husbands would care for them.

It seems ridiculous to us, in this time, but in the past this was how it was done.

This is how they viewed the world, this is how things were done.

The world has changed, but these older people lived this way, grew up with this mind set, and it is ingrained within them.

This could be a huge part of how the will was organized.

However your brothers should have been more progressive in their thinking, as in including their sisters.

I do think your father loved you exactly how you always thought he did.

Take good care,

Karen

[2sweetgirls]

I agree totally with Karen. I don't think that you should shut out your mom either . I think you might regret it later when it's too late and you don't want to put yourself through even MORE heartache.

I also can understand the way the older generation may think. The males were treated differently than the females. It doesn't make it right, by any means, it's just how it was.

I hope you can find some peace. Sending you hugs.

2sweetgirls

[Lostdaughter]

Thanks all. No worries. I was just angry and sad and crying yesterday. I already called my Mom today (as I do several times a day). That's the problem with love - you just can't shut them out when it's real love. And I think I love her too much to even tell her about this. BUT, I just may mention it after the lawyers (but not tell her about the lawyers).

HOWEVER, and having said this, lawyers exist for a reason and I do plan to get to the bottom of this. Looking back over the years, my Dad had Alzheimer's for a very long time. Remember when Reagan had it and was president and yet people didn't even realize it?

No, I'll get to the bottom of this one way or the other. Apparently it's not so easy to get a copy of the will. I asked my brother for one but of course cannot really trust him at this point to give me everything. So looks like I'll be spending some money on attorneys. If I'm wrong about my Dad, great. If I'm right about him, not great at all.

[Lostdaughter]

Karen,

My dad grew up on a farm in a rural farming community. Still doesn't make it right. Times have changed and women have it tougher than men. It *is* still a man's world, for the most part. Look at Michelle Obama and look no further. Yeah, progress has been made, but not enough.

I don't know that my dad loved me at all though, really, but thanks for your kind words. I think he probably thought I was his sister when I went to say good-bye to him in June. I just will never know so many things. Plus, he was nicest to me when he did not know who I was. What does this say?

[Anthony]

It's bad enough to be going through the grieving process-- and once you have to begin dealing with the business aspect of things-- it gets down right horrible.

I have learned something though-- to share with my children what to expect-- what is going to be available to them-- and to pre-plan and pay for my memorial service...

Although I knew my parents worked hard and had enough to live comfortably on once they retired-- I literally had no idea as to the extent of the estate-- and I have been assigned as administrator. This does not mean I get all the money, etc... It means I have to decide how to liquidate the non cash assets.

For example--- commercial rental units. I have to monitor the collection of the rents-- and ensure any and all expenses for the properties are properly documented and all money is accounted for. As administrator-- I could sell the properties-- which I have chosen to do-- but once the sales are finalized-- the monies received from them are subject to the will-- which, after specific bequests (ie- so and so gets the silver, such and such gets the grandfather clock, etc) is divided equally between myself, my sister and my brother.

Are you sure this isn't the case here? I had to sign a oath to be fair and just, etc-- something about being an 'officer of the court' or something like that-- and my siblings had to agree to the fact that I did not need to put up any of my own money as 'bond' ensuring I do not embezzle from the estate....

Of course laws can vary from state to state-- but I would contact the probate attorney-- or my own attorney if I were you to know just what to expect and what your legal rights are.

[niamh]

lostdaughter,

I am so so sorry for the additional pain you have now. I don't have words of advice or words of comfort, I only wish I did, wish they existed.

I am glad to hear you talked to your Mom and I'm glad you talk to her several times a day. I know it doesn't take away your pain but I hope at least it doesn't add to it. Hold on tight to her hun.

I'm sorry you cannot trust your bother now. All I can do is hope for some peace with this for you in time. I can't even imagine how distressing it is but hopefully even just being able to vent and get it out here can take some tiny tiny sting out of it.

always here to listen and always here sending hugs and love your way

Niamh

[Lostdaughter]

Thanks, Anthony.

There is no attorney to contact, as I suspect he is deceased by now. My Dad would most likely have dealt with an older guy and I searched on the Net and nowhere to be found. My brother sent me the copy of the amendment and the attorney's name was on there and I searched several ways so I can only assume he's no longer. I was hoping to get a copy of the will and any amendments but since my brother thinks it was only necessary for me to see the amendment I may never see the will.

I did mention the amendment to my Mom last night and she wasn't aware of it. Nor does she think my dad was of sound mind back in 2001 when he signed it. She was kind of upset with me when I told her I wanted to see the will and thought it implied I don't trust my brothers and, at this point, she is right. She is kept in the dark about everything and she is the only person who is making sure any disbursements are fair, but then again she'd have no way of knowing what is really being done. And the way I interpret the amendment both my brothers can spend my dad's money for their health, support, education or maintenance. IOW, they could go through his entire trust if they choose to.

It's really a mess. It looks like I'd have to hire an attorney in that state but I don't want to do that while Mom is still living as I don't want to cause a problem. I knew this would happen years ago, although I didn't think my dad would be signing amendments when not of sound mind.

At any rate, I hate to have had to tell my mother about this but she thanked me for doing so. I am just worried now that things are going to be even worse (if they could have become worse) in terms of any relations going forward. I want to be there for my Mom but I'm so angry with my brothers that I just don't know how this whole thing will play out.

And for some odd reason this whole thing just makes me want to "check out" as it were, but that would kill my mother but truthfully there is just too much bad stuff going on in my life - period. I'm going to give this whole thing six months and see what happens and then decide what I am going to do. I may just sell this house and move somewhere else and who knows what. I feel so alone and I AM so alone.

You are wise to have approached your affairs as you have and if anyone reading this has not made transparent provisions in the event of their death, I hope they do and that my experience can serve as a lesson.

[Lostdaughter]

Update - there is an attorney to contact and I've done so. It was the attorney that drafted the amendment. Also, I spoke with my mother again (in a very light and upbeat way minimizing all of this to protect her from unpleasantness) and we even laughed about a couple of light things. I want to protect her at all costs. She did, however, say that she'd never rest in her grave unless things were done fairly and divided fairly. I am sure she will get this point across but it does need to be in writing.

At any rate, I've stopped sobbing (just about the feeling of having no control and being powerless in the situation and being betrayed). I am now thinking my dad was not of sound mind (and so is my mom). The bad news is that it's sad it has come down to this. I am not the first nor the last person who is going to have to deal with this. This reminds me I need to really update my will soon too. While most of what I have is going to the ASPCA, I have to make provisions for my friend of 35 years too.

Thanks to all in this thread for your support. It is bad enough losing my Dad, but to deal with all of this other stuff is just too much.

[Lostdaughter]

Well, my brother blocked my emails, not a good sign.