Things Are Getting Worse And I Am Getting Strange Thoughts

[Lostdaughter]

I just need to type this out. I didn't imagine my brain would be going where it is, but it is. Woke up at 3 a.m. last night and checked my email to find three replies to my emails from my brother. I could not even read them as I didn't want to upset myself more and I wanted to be able to get back to sleep. Without sleeping pills, I just don't think I'd be functioning at all.

So, in my craziness, I wrote him back telling him where I was coming from and that I would not be reading his emails as I wanted to sleep. I just don't know how I am going to deal with things going forward. Swear to God, if there were a way to completely divorce myself from my family I would, but there is still Mom and I can't do it. I did tell him that I am concerned that hard feelings will get in the way when it comes Mom's time to pass on, even though I know I am projecting far into the future (I hope). The fundamental question or bottom line is that I love her more than I despise both of my brothers right now.

I also told him I am not even sure Dad knew what he was signing when he gave them complete control to give zero or something to anyone someday. I am trying to be respectful and rational but I just want to give up at this point. I don't think I can outlive my mother and that will kill her. Each time I "get better" something bad happens and I am just getting more paralyzed by the day. It's like "sure to the handyman, fine if you don't come over today to finish my house (which I cannot sell until he finishes it). To say I am depressed is an understatement. I've gone from missing my Dad to questioning if he ever loved me to questioning why he didn't trust me or my sister to wondering if he was of sound mind to just not wanting to deal with any of it at all.

The lawyer who drafted the amendment will not respond to my emails or calls (I just wanted to understand things) as I imagine it's a conflict of interests as my brothers are his clients and I am not. I know darn well (or pretty sure) it wasn't my Dad's idea to set up the appt to go to amend the trust so it must have been my brothers and this was back in 2001! Remember how we thought Reagan was ok there (with his Alzheimer's) but then learned he was not? My Dad always used to pretend he got things but I know he did not!

Anyway, I sent my Mom a copy of the amendment and I know my brothers will just give her some BS story that all is well and will be done right and who can blame her for believing them? They take her to the Dr, shop for food for her and I live 1800 miles away!

At any rate, I feel like I am just losing the will to get ANYTHING done and yet don't know what to do. I see a therapist and, yeah, she pretty much agrees that my interpretation of things is correct. I also have a friend who fought his brother for NINE years over his father's death and ended up in ten rehabs and finally gave up when $100K was stolen from him. Stuff happens and I sure do not have the will to even take a shower let alone fight a battle like this.

Ok, now for the strange thoughts. Just thinking about moving to OR as they have that assisted suicide law and I just don't think I am going to be around much longer.

[Lostdaughter]

Oh, and just to provide some context. I am 51, no significant other, no job, no kids, monthly insurance premiums that are going to drain my bank account, my resume has been ruined, I deal with severe depression independent of all of this and just don't see anything to look forward to. My Dr. has given me some powerful drugs and I've been messing up on taking them. I know I need to fill the pill box and so I remember. While I still have my physical health (knock on wood and I hope), my mental health has always been a nightmare. Right now I just don't want to be here.

I called the crisis line sobbing the other day and was pretty much told that I have no way to fight anything as there are two of them and it makes it rock solid. So I have visions of ending up homeless and I will end it all before that happens, as I know I could not survive on the streets. What a mess and sorry for the length of all of this.

[jodo]

Dear LostDaughter ,

I don't think your thoughts are "strange" at all, I think they're completely normal given your circumstances.

I of course, don't know what to say regarding all of the problems that you are having with your brothers ? It is shocking, and I understand how it is REALLY complicating your grief process. I have heard of similar situations where the fathers leave everything to the SONS ! In your case though, It may have been possible (like you said) that your Dad wasn't fully aware of what he was doing. You should have been included in that meeting when all that was written up. I hope that you can talk to your brothers and they will make things RIGHT !

Well, keep us all posted, and please do not "give up"!! (though I feel like that often too !) I'm sending you Love, (and wishes & hopes that this will all work out.) Love, Jodi

[Lostdaughter]

Dear LostDaughter ,

I don't think your thoughts are "strange" at all, I think they're completely normal given your circumstances.

I of course, don't know what to say regarding all of the problems that you are having with your brothers ? It is shocking, and I understand how it is REALLY complicating your grief process. I have heard of similar situations where the fathers leave everything to the SONS ! In your case though, It may have been possible (like you said) that your Dad wasn't fully aware of what he was doing. You should have been included in that meeting when all that was written up. I hope that you can talk to your brothers and they will make things RIGHT !

Well, keep us all posted, and please do not "give up"!! (though I feel like that often too !) I'm sending you Love, (and wishes & hopes that this will all work out.) Love, Jodi

Thanks so much Jodi.

My mother wasn't even aware of it! She was left out of it completely! And her mind is sharp as a tack. The only hope I see if that she will write something up herself that supercedes what my Dad did, but I am not banking on it.

No, I think my brothers have treated me like a second class citizen my entire life and I realized that when I got my MBA (as did they) and had a good job it still didn't matter. I was *never* going to be respected or valued. It is no wonder I am single. I've been treated like crap by men my entire life. From a father who stopped liking me when I hit puberty (and I'll always have questions I will always wonder about and won't say them here), from a father who once told me not to "get all excited" when I had a date and basically gave me the message it wouldn't go well anyway, from a father who just sat and watched TV when I was crying and just wanted him to acknowledge me, to two brothers who have always looked down on me, to a guy who sexually assaulted me at my very own going away party, to a guy who ruined me in my last good job by making horrible comments in front of my boss implying I was an IV drug user and crazy and that I'd take off all my clothes given a couple of drinks (and this was on a business trip with me and six men where I was trapped with him for 24 hours), to an abuser who did not even acknowledge my father's death when I told him. And it's not that I hate men, but I sure don't trust them. Oh well, just venting and have to get some of this out before I go mad.

Oh, and now I think I'll force myself to take a shower. I see my therapist today and have to go get some prescriptions and go pay my mega insurance premium. Thanks for writing.

[LostmyHoney]

I am just so very sorry you have had to endure so much! I wish there was something I could tell you that would fix it all for you! My heart goes out to you, as I can feel your pain.

Im sure your father probably was afraid of losing you to some boy he thought was not worthy of HIS lil girl. Fathers tend to not understand much about women and when a lil girl becomes a woman the relationship changes. Some times the father will try to keep his lil girl a lil girl but by doing so he pushes her away.

I hope you can find some peace soon!

(((((HUGS))))

Rachel