Lostdaughter Posted November 19, 2010 Report Share Posted November 19, 2010 I just need to type this out. I didn't imagine my brain would be going where it is, but it is. Woke up at 3 a.m. last night and checked my email to find three replies to my emails from my brother. I could not even read them as I didn't want to upset myself more and I wanted to be able to get back to sleep. Without sleeping pills, I just don't think I'd be functioning at all. So, in my craziness, I wrote him back telling him where I was coming from and that I would not be reading his emails as I wanted to sleep. I just don't know how I am going to deal with things going forward. Swear to God, if there were a way to completely divorce myself from my family I would, but there is still Mom and I can't do it. I did tell him that I am concerned that hard feelings will get in the way when it comes Mom's time to pass on, even though I know I am projecting far into the future (I hope). The fundamental question or bottom line is that I love her more than I despise both of my brothers right now. I also told him I am not even sure Dad knew what he was signing when he gave them complete control to give zero or something to anyone someday. I am trying to be respectful and rational but I just want to give up at this point. I don't think I can outlive my mother and that will kill her. Each time I "get better" something bad happens and I am just getting more paralyzed by the day. It's like "sure to the handyman, fine if you don't come over today to finish my house (which I cannot sell until he finishes it). To say I am depressed is an understatement. I've gone from missing my Dad to questioning if he ever loved me to questioning why he didn't trust me or my sister to wondering if he was of sound mind to just not wanting to deal with any of it at all. The lawyer who drafted the amendment will not respond to my emails or calls (I just wanted to understand things) as I imagine it's a conflict of interests as my brothers are his clients and I am not. I know darn well (or pretty sure) it wasn't my Dad's idea to set up the appt to go to amend the trust so it must have been my brothers and this was back in 2001! Remember how we thought Reagan was ok there (with his Alzheimer's) but then learned he was not? My Dad always used to pretend he got things but I know he did not! Anyway, I sent my Mom a copy of the amendment and I know my brothers will just give her some BS story that all is well and will be done right and who can blame her for believing them? They take her to the Dr, shop for food for her and I live 1800 miles away! At any rate, I feel like I am just losing the will to get ANYTHING done and yet don't know what to do. I see a therapist and, yeah, she pretty much agrees that my interpretation of things is correct. I also have a friend who fought his brother for NINE years over his father's death and ended up in ten rehabs and finally gave up when $100K was stolen from him. Stuff happens and I sure do not have the will to even take a shower let alone fight a battle like this. Ok, now for the strange thoughts. Just thinking about moving to OR as they have that assisted suicide law and I just don't think I am going to be around much longer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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