Exhausted

[redwind30]

I feel so lost. I feel so alone. Don't want to be alone for the rest of my life as I am only 51, but don't want to be with anyone other than my husbadn. It has been seven months since I lost my wonderful husband. The pain is still here. Had to run errands today. I ended up sitting in the car at Walmart and cried my eyes out.

I am so tired of having to deal with the pain. On top of that dealing with everything in the house, the car, the bills, financial decisions,the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, trying to sort through things not to mention working full time...I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water. Now, I find out that our little yorkie may need surgery. I am terrified that something will happen to him. He is so specail to me and my husband adore him. I am afriad I won't be able to take good enough care of him. Afraid I will "miss something" and he will be hurt as a result of it. Guess that comes from blaming myself for figuring out my husband had cancer. I seem to blame myself for everything, which adds to the exhaustion that I feel. No famiy near by doens't help things either. I wish I could skip ahead to where the pain would not be so bad.

[melina]

I feel the same way. This really is exhausting, and I have no family nearby either. Even if I did, they wouldn't help.

It sounds as if you're coping well, and I do think you're taking good care of your dog. But the point is - it's exhausting. You're used to sharing responsibilities with your husband, and he's not here to do his part. You have all the responsibility, and that's hard. I feel like this every day - the house, the car, the finances, our kids and the dog. Plus my job. Oddly enough though - I manage through each day - and so do you.

It's painful, it's unfair, and yes, I want to fast forward this whole thing to the point where I'm feeling good. I just don't know when that will be.

But try to hang in there. Do you have a good vet to help you with your dog?

Melina

[Cheryl]

Last xmas I felt the exact same way. The pain was unbearable. I think it's part of the horrible firsts. My best advice is to give yourself plenty of room to grieve. Don't try to fight it. Go with all the emotion you feel and know that it will get better. Rest, find somthing that soothes your soul when you are needing help the most. Rest more and know that many of us have felt the same pain and we are all so sorry that you are feeling so sad. I wish we could all be together for a big cry fest!

[melina]

We could create a new festival - Cry Fest 2010. First annual for me anyway.

Melina

[Guest NancyL]

When I feel overwhelmed I pick out one (just one) thing and do it completely. The sense of accomplishment is hugh and boosts me so that I can work on other things. Maybe that can help you too?

[Deb625]

Hi Redwind, I know I get resentful plenty when I have to "do", it is just not fair that we are now alone, no adjustment time, no easing in, just the full responsiblity of everything that was shared only a "blink of any eye" ago. I hate it. Then there's the pain of just missing the voice and touch and having someone to come home to,that has simply vanished. My friends and family want me to be "better", so if you're me, you don't want to be a burden, so you stop sharing how you really feel - so they feel better and all the while you just keep focussed on putting one foot in front of the other and trust that the pain will lessen as each day, week, month passes... It has eased a little 6 1/2 months into this journey, but it still hurts everyday and there hasn't been a day that has gone by where my Michael isn't cryed over, thought about and consulted. Christmas is going to be ever so hard, and New Years and my Birthday shortly after, but then what day isn't hard? When Michael would gripe about having to "do" something I'd tell him to "suck it up buttercup" and that phrase seems to be said in my head a lot to me these days... Take care, Deb

[west]

Exhaustion is such a part of the grieving process. I actually thought I was doing better and then the holidays...yuck.

who would have thought that last Christmas we were happy and our kids were settled. this year too many problem and no one to talk to. No wonder we are so tired. I pray we will find the strength to go on and find peace.

[sunstreet]

I am so sorry you are struggling. I know that feeling of just wanting to get to the end where it doesn't hurt so bad. Your loss is still so new, I encourage you to give yourself time. I am almost 7 years into this journey and I can share that for me the pain is still there but it doesn't take up so much space now. I find I can feel joy even at times. Unfortunately, the only way to healing is to go through the pain. It is not just the loss of our loved on that we have to integrate into our life now, but the loss of financial well-being in some of our cases, the loss of not having help with running a household, etc., etc., It is alot all at once. Exhaustion is common I believe.

For me, it has become easier, I hope that will be your experience as well.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[kayc]

Grief is exhausting! It takes everything within you. Going through things with our animals is so hard and adds to our feelings of helplessness. I'm sure you're doing a fine job with everything. Try to think what your husband would say if he could talk to you about the job you're doing with everything, that always helped me, knowing George is cheering me on and proud of me for all I've tried to do.