Empty & Lost Inside

[pjm]

I lost my partner 07-07-10 we were together for 22yrs. Before I lost her I also got laid off 3 months prior to her finding out she had stage 4 lung cancer. Since i work in healthcare I was the caregiver for her 24-7. I did everything slept only a short time every night because she was so ill. Then after 9mos of caregiving I had to make a tough decision to put her in Hospice I did and a few days later she went to the other side and i was with her for her last breathe. Thought I was doing ok because I have had so many loses over the yrs thought I could & would deal with this to.Not true everyday is getting worse especially during these holidays. More often than not I don't want to get out of bed. I feel confused, lost, lonely,physically sick, overwhelmed, can't focus, can't complete tasks and very empty inside without my love.Seems everyday is getting harder. Started on a medicine to help but got very ill he same ad to stop it.Went to a bereavement class and felt worse so stopped that to. Not sure what or why Im writing this I have a journal that I write in almost daily that helps. Wondered if anyone else out there feels the same or as bad as I do. Lost my sister dad all aunts and uncles friends too. just have one brother and an 86yr old mom who has lost her daughter & 4 husbands all her brother & sisters as well. The holidays are making it worse too wish they were over. Does anyone feel like me?

[starby]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your partner Pjm, it must be so heartbreaking especially as it all happened so suddenly. I know my situation is very different but gosh yes I resonate with all the feelings and experiences you mention. I'm suffering very badly with nausea at the moment and I can;r focus on anything. It's good to post here if it helps, I also have a journal but sometimes I find I need to reach out to real people who are reading and listening. I'm dreading Christmas and not bothering with decor this year, just been so much loss and sadness. You're not alone here.

[wmjsca]

pjm

I am sorry for your losses, all of them. I lost my love of six years on 10/22/10, and while it wasn't as long as yours, the pain is deep and the depressive thoughts are similar. I haven't experienced as much loss through death, but my life has been full of other losses. I felt when I met Clint that I had finally been given that special someone who would be there for the duration and our relationship did help me deal with many past losses. He was a gift and was the only man in my life who truly cared for me. He took care of me and did not make promises he couldn't or had no intention of keeping. I was horrified to learn he had stage 4 cancer, he was such a healthy person with no chronic diseases and a non smoker, too. He died within four days of the diagnosis. Another loss, again, alone and with no one to care for me.

I can feel your pain and I wish there were another way to deal with it, but there isn't. I wish he was still here because the world is lonely and dark without his presence. I feel many days that I could just stay in bed forever. But I do have to get up. I get overwhelmed by the feelings of uselessness, hopelessnes and sorrow. I feel no one will ever want me again. I am 52 years old met him in midlife, which is why he was the one and there would be no other. I was wrong. Here I am alone again...I feel that's the way it will be the rest of my life.

So, you are not alone. I can only imagine how much worse I'd feel if it had been 22 years. I can only say to maybe try another bereavement group when you're ready. Journaling is a big help, although I don't do it regularly. My faith is helpful to me, although I question why God allowed him to be taken away. I was taking antidepressants before his death (for my past issues), and I don't even know if they are effective anymore. It's like I can't really feel the difference.

The holidays are pretty much nonexistent for me. I have a young son, so I can't just totally disregard observance, but everything is empty...I don't have the joy I had before.

This forum has been helpful to me in many ways. When I don't know what I'm feeling or what to say, I post and I am surprised sometimes at how many people out there feel as I do. We are not alone and that's what makes life somewhat tolerable. I hope you keep coming back.

Take care.

[melina]

I lost my husband to lung cancer in August. We were together nearly 30 years. He'd never smoked, so it was a huge shock for all of us - also our four sons. I'm starting to get back on my feet - but slowly. I still feel deep despair at times, along with disbelief that he's gone. It's unbelievably difficult, I know, but hopefully it will get better gradually. The fact that you were laid off probably makes things even worse. Have you found new work, or are you still unemployed?

Melina

[pjm]

I'm so sorry about your husband. it is difficult to understand why someone who never smoked can get lung cancer. They say we are all born with the cancer gene in our DNA they do not know what activates it in some and not in others. i still am unemployed but am looking to start working after the first of the yr. Thought i should take the time to heal both mentally and physically as I have Multiple Sclerosis too. I can't bear to go back to caring for extremely sick pts yet so will work in a home setting assisting with errands, meals, shopping, taking people to appts its all I can bear for now. Thank you for your kind words and I too have the disbelief that she isn't coming back. Sometimes it is a deep dark despair to have what we had. I do not think time heals all wounds it pushes it further away. Time does not heal it is just time.

[sunstreet]

Dear pjm, I am just so very sorry for all of your losses. All of us here have been or are right where you are at. It is utterly agonizing. We all understand. You say you don't know why you were writing your post. Perhaps you were searching, longing for someone to validate and understand your pain. If that is the reason, your search is over. We all validate and understand your pain. You are not crazy.

I lost my partner to suicide nearly 7 years ago and I can remember feeling exactly as your are now and quite frankly saw no hope because my pain was blocking it's view. I am sorry you are in that place now. I moved on from that place and I want to encourage you to believe that you will too.

Take good care of yourself, we need the strongest suit of armour, to weather and move through this journey. WElcome, I am sorry you need to be here, but welcome. Keep coming back it helps.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[pjm]

Oh my goodness you lost your partner to suicide. I thought losing my love to cancer was the worst. I'm not saying that mine isn't painful just that when you think you are the only one suffering then you hear of someone who suffered in a different way it helps to understand that there are others who were in the place Im in now. I want to thank you for your reply. It has helped me to feel a bit better because you made me think about things differently. I guess I was searching for someone to validate this pain as friends and family seem to think that since we had 10mos together that we had time to say everything we wanted to say to each other. It was not the case at all. There still wasn't time. I never thought pain could block my hope to get better but now I understand it is possible & hadn't thought about that at all. Yes I was searching for someone to understand like I said everyone I know thinks I should be moving on because we had time. Thank you for your encouragement and insight to someone who feels confused and lost right now! It will help me weather this storm. I will keep coming back because of people like you. If you celebrate this time of year please have happy holidays and thank you again for your blessings, Pam

[wmjsca]

There's never enough time to say goodbye...People just don't seem to understand that.

[sunstreet]

Pam, it is my belief that however we loose our loved one is the worst. There never is enough time, whether their death was unexpected or not in my thinking. My thought is that when I first really took in that Melissa was dead...gone forever...the distance between us seemed to great to me....infinity, if you will. I was thinking she was separate from me now....I lost her. For me in this journey, I have learned that the distance between us now is none, for Melissa is part of me, she resides in my soul, and in my heart. She is part of the words I speak, the deeds I do, the work that I do, she is part of my future and I am so blessed.

It warms my heart that I have helped you. Those that have not lost a loved one can not know this journey. Just know, it is your journey, and trust yourself, look inside, and follow what you find in there. You have a right to process your loss however it needs to be for you. My thinking is others who do not understand, really it is there loss. For if they would only listen and learn, when there time comes they would be a little more prepared.

Keep coming back for as long as you need. You will be validated and understood here.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[kayc]

PJM,

Yes, we've all felt that. It takes more effort than I care to say to go through this grief journey. It is hard work and it takes concerted effort to keep positive focus and just make it through it. It's a day at a time, or in the beginning, a minute at a time. You have suffered a lot of losses, this last one being the hardest. Be very patient and understanding with yourself. You might want to try another grief support group, and give it at least three sessions before deciding whether to continue or drop it. Keep writing in your journal and coming here. Give us a chance to get to know you and you'll find how much support you have here. You have found a group of people who have been through similar journeys and understand. We are here to encourage each other and lend validation and support to each other. I am so sorry for your loss. It is tremendous, I know.