Caregiver Who Can't Say Good Bye

[LisaN]

My mom died December 17, 2010. Besides the tremendous shock and disbelief, I have many why's and should haves very similar to those stated here. My mom lived with me for many years. I was her caregiver for two years with extra help at the end. She so wanted to be in her own bed and use the bathroom while at home these last few days. I was unable to give her that. Who knew her time was so short? In October I had taken her to day care for a few days to get her some socialization. After three days she actually said she wanted to stay. On the 29th day at this facility she asked to come home with me and attempted to pack (she was in a wheelchair). I said no because I did not have home care set up. The next day I inquired with a company to provide at home care. One hour later she fell at the group home and broke her neck. Talk about guilt - She died 17 days later in hospice with the last three days in a coma. I'm home now and still wait to hear her voice or call me on the phone. I jump at every noise thinking it is her falling. Counseling starts next week but what about Christmas? Why did this happen at all? Why didn't I bring her home? While in ER (the second time for the broken neck which broke even further)she begged for food and water and they would not let me give it to her. Why didn't I give her something? She had a stroke or something while in the ER and in my presence and never spoke or regained consciousness. There is more to this horror story but this is all I can say at this time.

[grace10]

LisaN,

I am so sorry for your loss. You certainly love your mother very much and did the best for her. You had no way of knowing things would unfold the way they did. You offered her day care for positive reasons, and she accepted. It would not have made sense for you to have her at your home before you had things set up. Setting up home care takes time. I hope this helps, at least, a little. There are many real stories here of regretful feelings of what we think we should or should not have done, but I think we all do the best we can do with the best information we have at the time, and make decisions that we think are the best for our loved ones. Take care.

[Anthony]

One thing that has helped me tremendously is to think about how I would feel towards my own children if I had been in my mother's shoes and one of them in mine. I would not want them to have to make some of the decisions I made-- or do some of the things I did. I KNOW my mother loved me-- I FELT it all my life and I still feel it. I would wager your mom isn't upset with you and she knows you did all you could.

[Guest NancyL]

Lisa, I'm at a loss of words to comfort you. I just know in my heart that your mom felt so much love from you and she didn't blame you for not being able to answer her needs immediately. I know it's hard for you to accept that you had no other choices, but you really did the best for your mom. Let the guilt go, for the person I see writing the post is someone who only wanted what was the best for your mom. Nancy

[LisaN]

My rational side knows what you are saying is correct. My emotional side does not let me get rid of the guilt. Last night I again sat in her room touching her things and crying almost hysterically. Today I am suppose to go to the mortuary to pick out an urn. It's Christmas Eve and it's awful. She hurt herself so many times this past year and it kills me to know the pain she suffered. Just when I thought she suffered the worse mishap, the next one was always worse. She was a trooper at 80 but decided to give up last week. I told her it was okay to go but it wasn't. I didn't know on the last day we went to ER that she would not speak again. My husband and me daughter are with me today and are very caring and helpful. Thanks for writing. Lisa

[LisaN]

Anthony, you are so right. No child should have to make the kind of decisions I had to. Many of the decisions we had discussed before dimentia set in. I just have to get used to the idea that my best friend and confidante is no longer available. Thanks for your kind thoughts.