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New Year's Slump

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I have been having a particularly hard time these past couple of days. I just can't bear the fact that a new year is starting without mom and now dad.

I feel myself moving further and further from myself. I am tired of putting on a face for everyone while I'm dying on the inside. What about me?! I am distant, at times, angry, deeply, deeply sad. My kids keep me busy and ,yes, laughing most of the time. My brother, on the other hand has no kids. He is trying just like me to muttle though but, I can hear the deep sadness in his voice. He is kind of your sterotypical man. He bottles up his feelings even though you can see it in his face and hear it in his voice. I have to say that he does speak about it when he is ready which seems to be when he is talking to me. We are holding on to each other for dear life. I try to be upbeat and positive for him. So, I smile and go on for my kids, my brother, people who don't want to or can't deal with my grief, etc.....It's exhausting.

I can't stand the "it'll get better" saying. HOW?!!!! I just can't see it. Why can't I see it?!!! I want to desperately. Please put me out of my misery. At least something to strive for. But this better business is a bunch of crap. How can it possibly be better? Ever.

Yesterday, my husband came home early from work and I just went into the bed and cried my eyes out.

Anyway, just wanted to get it off my chest.

Peace to all.


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I don't think it ever gets any better, but it does get easier. Does that make sense? It is like the feeling I have now: I am getting use to not having my mom here. I hate the feeling, but it is real. You just go through different changes and soon it is easier to bear. But you never, ever stop missing them or loving them or wishing and praying that they could come back just for one day, one minute...so you could see them one more time and hear them say they love you. I think your mind and heart just goes through different ways of dealing with the loss and that is why it gets easier. You adjust to the terrible loss in your life. But that, too, takes time so be kind to yourself. It will be 3 years in Feb. since my mom has been gone. I am sure I will go through many more changes as time goes by. I pray for you.

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I think the New Year's time is just a tough time for everyone. I do not know how to answer the question about it getting better, but I think we do heal as we continue to allow ourselves to feel the sadness and pain, grieve, mourn, and talk about it. I feel a little raw today, because this is the anniversary of my getting a call early in the morning that my mother had a pelvic fracture. I remember feeling shaky as I answered the phone that morning. It was the beginning of her real decline, going to live in a skilled nursing home facility, and a really tough year of anticipatory grieving for the next 10 months. I guess I knew, on one level, that this was a serious injury, and that things would never be the same with her.

Last night, the media was rattling off all the well-known people who left this planet. Sad. Brought me to tears. Then this morning, as I awoke, with the radio on, someone was listing the names of musicians who have left this planet in the past year.

Just, a sad day today.

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Oh 2sweetgirls I hear you,I'm so sorry for your pain.the new year sucks. I think somewhere inside part of me hoped the nightmare would end,that I would wake up but it feels like the clock has simply reset and now it's another whole year to deal with.

I went back to work this morning and was so sad and lonely,normally it would be me and Dad dreading work after the hols,coming home talking about that horrible first day back,how I wish for that to be my only dread.now every single day is a dread.

I read a sentence recently someone wrote along the Lines of "the first year I grieved on the outside,now I grieve on the inside" and that's how i feel. I can put on a face now in certain situations but the pain and loneliness is always there. I feel and am so fake at times. I just don't care about anything anymore.

Sometimes I don't even have words for those friends who are still patient with me,it's the same sadness it was 1 year ago,6 mnths ago,6 days ago....

I'm glad your brother can talk to you and has such a loving and caring sister. I hear the sadness in my voice too,it's been so long since I sounded chirpy and happy.

Like you I don't know how it gets better.I feel like my Dad and my happy life are slipping further away from me as time goes on,over 1 whole year since talking to him in person,HOW & WHY I'll never know here.

All I can do is sending you a big hug full of love and peace Hun,



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