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Hello everyone,

I posted this in a different thread and then thought some might not go looking there so thought I would quote it and make a new reply as I don't want anyone wondering how I am. Well, health wise I am the strongest I could be. Tomorrow I go to have this root canal completed now that the infenction has been dealt with. You know when I was in hospital and the doc told me how serious things were I truly was worried for my life. I have never truly worried about my life, in fact, have prayed sometimes for God to take me in the night. That is how bad the pain gets in this process of grief and loss. For the longest time, all I wanted was to die and be with Melissa again. Life seemed meaningless, pointless even to me if Melissa was not part of it. I did not feel complete/whole without her here with me.

I want to give you all hope in that I am not at that place anymore. I do feel horrendous sorrow but it is a different pain. I am able to smile and laugh at a good movie, I am able to talk on the phone with the fellow I met at the Funeral Home last year. I am able to think about the future now. I am able to think on getting my book published again. I am able to find meaning and a point, a reason for my being.

I carry a lot of anxious feelings re the parole hearing but I could not be better prepared or supported. I find it such a challenge to not stay on the computer for long periods and respond to each of you. I find it rather uncomfortable to be putting myself first at the moment.

Anyhow, I have this lovely movie to watch tonight called "The Dolphin" Story of a Dreamer. Seems so fitting as Melissa and I had booked a trip to swim with the dolphins and then she suicided and we never got to make that trip. I was not afforded child things growing up, so I am having fun now allowing the kid in me to watch these types of movies.

Melissa and I were both very interested in autism. I think it was a post of your's Di missing all the intellectual parts too! That is so true!

Oh well, go back to the dentist tomorrow, get this root canal finished, then onto the parole hearing. Please pray with me that justice is served.

Know that I hold you all in gentle thought and prayer and I encourage you all to keep hope alive.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Hello Everyone,

Thank you all so very much for your caring support. How you all describe me is something that I aspire to and kind of feel like who are they talking about? I want to let you all know that the latest blood reveals that the infection has been iradicated and I am feeling SO MUCH better. You know when you are very ill and then when you finally feel well again it is just such a high. People may think me odd but the first thing I said when I got the call from the doc telling me the infection has been iradicated. I went out on my balcony and looked up into the sky and said, Did you hear that babe, this old body still has it, the infection is gone!

I have been reading all of your posts but unable to reply as much as I surely wanted to and want to now. I have really needed to just put myself as a priority which is a fairly new action for me to do. I think be george, I am finally starting to value myself, thank God, the therapeutic alliance, I had the courage to seek out after being damaged by a very unethical therapist; is ethical and productive and is indeed therapy. If I thought more of myself I would say I deserve a medal.

I want to let you all know that for me I feel nothing but warmth and comfort and blessed when I think upon my Melissa now. I don't feel gut wrenching pain anymore. Sometimes tears come just in realizing and owning how blessed I actually was to have been so loved and to have given love. Many never experience that in their lifetime. I wish I could fast forward for all of you so you could get to where I am with my loss of Melissa. However, I know that you can not get to here without going through the process to get here. It just is so horribly not fair or right, I know, but I want to offer you all the hope that it can happen for you too!

My pain now seems to be what has been triggered from my childhood knowing I am going to my Uncle's parole hearing and giving an impact statement. This is not the forum for me to talk about that pain as is not appropriate.

I hope that none of you are feeling left out or not noticed because I haven't responded to your posts, or sent you a message. Know that I hold you all in gentle thought and prayer as you weather your own loss. You each are a very blessed being and you have every right to your feeling....all of them...none of it is being self-centred...it is grief and loss and time will be your best friend that I know for sure.

Please let me know if you are feeling not noticed or acknowledged by me for that is not something I have intended.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

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Carol Ann,

You continue to be in my prayers, I'm glad the infection is taken care of. I hope your root canal goes well. Enjoy your movie, it's so great that you can enjoy something like that again!

Being from Oregon, (my home town is Eugene where the U of O is) of course, I am watching the national championship. We're behind but anything can happen yet...

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I'm so glad that you're feeling physically better, Carol Ann.

Please know that I'm thinking of you and sending wishes of strength for the upcoming parole hearing.


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I am happy the infection is under control. I am hoping the root canal goes well too. These types of things sneak up on you sometimes.

I actually logged on today to see how the parole hearing went. I want to give you all the strength I can muster up. Please let us all know that you were successful in keeping this person where he belongs.

Sending you peace, strength and courage.


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Thank you all so very much...I truly feel so blessed....so supported...so loved. I pray that is your experience her as well. Know that I hold you all in gentle thought and prayer as you go forth on your own path of reconciling your loss.

Blessings and Couage, Carol Ann

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