Princesspeanut Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 I lost my Dad 3 months ago and my pain just seems to be getting worse and worse internally and Im having a harder time expressing it externally. I just wish that people could see, feel, know my pain! Im not the type of person to parade around my feelings so it has been challenging because I can look or act fine, but inside im dying. All I want to do is die, I want to get rid of this feeling of guilt and anxiety. The funeral, the phone calls, my image of what happened when he passed it plays over and over in my head like a loop. I try to laugh, I go to work but privately I feel like such a shell of the person I used to be. I feel like all my great qualities and free, fun spirit died with my father. Plus I gained nearly 15lbs, so even physically I feel terrible. Everyone says to work out and release endorphans but I dont want to do ANYTHING but lay on the couch. Im afraid my relationship is beginning to suffer because my partner cannot make me happy...he does make me so happy but the girl he fell in love with is lost and I dont know how to even get her back. We still have no spread my fathers ashes so hes not even laid to rest...I always read about how death has changed peoples lives, but it has destroyed mine...I don't have any friends that have been through this and I feel like my family needs me. Everyone thinks im the 'strong' one, but I am so weak and losing control.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daughter2010 Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 Princess, I can relate to what you are experiencing. I'm so sorry for your loss. Please know that what you are experiencing is completely "normal" as normal as we are in our grief. One minute you can feel like no one understands you and you want to be alone, and the next you want to be able to talk about your grief with your friends. The truth is people don't know any better. Human beings wont be able to relate to your experience until they too lose a parent...as unfortunate as that sounds, that's how it is. It's been 14 months since my father passed and I too withdrew from people, I couldn't do much because I just didn't want to. I too gained weight and I am now trying to get back in control of my body. The first 6 months I just existed....going to work, coming home and with no desire to do anything. All of that is completely normal. I was an avid reader, and couldn't get to concentrate on a book. I am telling you this so you know that what you are experiencing is normal, is part of how grief affects you. Be gentle with yourself, cry when you need to cry, yell when you need to yell, it is all part of releasing those emotions. It is important to give yourself time to grieve, and cry. It really cleanses the soul. Just know that we are here for you, and feel free to come here and drop us a line. -L Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nanasbaby Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 Princess Peanut, Im sorry for your loss My mother died three weeks ago. Its funny that you mentioned gaining weight because I swear I was about to look up "grief weight gain". It seems like Ive found solace in cooking. Ever since my mother passed away, Ive been making sure I fix three hot meals per day the way she did. I find myself only wanting to cook the foods she used to cook for us. I want to re create the life I had growing up. I dont mean to go on and on about me its just that you mentioned a topic I was just thinking about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jodo Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 Dear Princess Peanut, I'm so sorry for the loss of your Dad. I know exactly how you are feeling, I lost my Dad one year ago and it still feels like yesterday, I still cry all the time, and don't feel like doing ANYTHING. I also have gained A LOT of weight. I feel like you do in the way that I don't ever think I'll return to being that happy, free spirit that I was all my life I have withdrawn from all of my friends because I feel like nobody understands how I can still be grieving so hard after a year. I don't know what I would do without this site ? Everything you wrote sounds like I had written it myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to burst from keeping all these thoughts, and all this sadness inside of me. It helps a little to read these posts, and to write occasionally, but nothing really eases the burning pain of missing my Dad, and all the painful memories associated with his death. Well, at least you know that you are not alone in what you're feeling. I'll be here for you. Peace, Love, and a BIG hug, Jodi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BellaRosa Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 Princesspeanut, I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. I just lost my mom two months ago and I swear I could have written your post myself. I have a hard time expressing myself verbally, and I feel like people should just KNOW that I'm falling apart and just a shadow of the person I used to be. I'm discovering that no one understands unless they, too, have lost a parent. I find myself going through the motions, just getting through the day, but not really living or experiencing anything. I have no desire to go out with friends or do much of anything. I have a terrible time focusing and concentrating. I love to read, but it's taking me forever to finish books lately because I have to keep reading the same parts over and over. I also keep replaying my mom's last moments (and the week leading up to them) in my head like a loop. The images faded a bit over the last couple of weeks, but now they're back haunting me. Unfortunately, I don't have much advice as I'm still very new to this journey like you, but I wanted you to know there's someone else who understands and feels the same way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
niamh Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 hi Princesspeanut, I too can unfortunately relate to what you are feeling. This journey in the last year has opened my mind so much to true grief.........realising that just because someone functions and looks ok on the outside does not mean they really are ok. Because I function pretty well most of the time, I go to work, I deal with customers, I speak in meetings but as you say on the inside I'm dying but most people assume everything is ok now unless I say otherwise. Sometimes I want to remind some of those that have forgotten, they will pass a comment on something I say & I want to tell them that this is still affecting me in so many ways that others cannot see properly. I still remember the exact moments I realised my entire world was crumbling down and I really think I felt part of myself leaving this world .....like you say, the fun happy go lucky person I used be, it's like it left me right there and then in those moments, like my soul and spirit left me and here I still am just a shell with a bunch of working organs that won't stop working as much as I wish they would so the rest of me could go hang out with Dad. Anytime I would feel down about anything I always went to my parents & my Dad would always be the one to just be able to magically take away all the horrible feelings, worries etc and happy Niamh would be back and a chat with Dad is mostly all it ever took. I completely get you not wanting to work out, or do what others suggest. My only recommendation is that you do what you want when you want for YOU. This is all about YOU right now and it's anything but selfish, it just has to be about YOU now no matter what anyone else wants. Everyone deals so differently with this, some find it's good for them to work out, keep busy, keep distracted (I sometimes wonder if that is just preventing dealing with the reality), I'm like you, the couch and tv are my safety and comfort zone and I will stick with them as long as I need them. Nobody can tell you what you need princesspeanut, only you can determine what you need and if that's lying on the couch then go for it and there is absolutely nothing at all wrong with it. Nobody is living your life, nobody had your relationship with your Dad so nobody can say what is right for you now when trying to deal with this because whatever you want is right for you. I hope your partner can simply be there to support you, listen when you need to talk, walk away when you need space, hug you when you need one and so on. I don't think anyone can really take away this pain, I don't think anyone or anything can actual fix us (I know I feel broken), for me I think it's just a case of learning to live with this, trying to manage it as best I can .........somedays that's harder than others. I think losing someone so important changes us, we absolutely lose part of ourselves and I don't think we can ever get that person back. All we can do is adjust to the new person, learn to live all over again. Sometimes I compare this to a baby being born, they can't walk, talk, eat, fend for themselves and we don't try to force babies to walk and talk and get annoyed and abandon them we they don't do it when we want them to, we just guide them and are there for them, helping them along. Well, while we can walk, talk and all that I think in a way we are like new borns, suddenly thrown into a new world we know absolutely nothing about, our comfort zone is gone, everything is new and we have to just begin to learn all over again just like a new born. I too have seen and read about death changing people, I know some people come to the idea that life is short and life is precious etc..........I'm like you, it has completely destroyed my life and my very being, I will never be put back together until I get to be with my Dad again so all I can do is live with the broken parts. I remember watching a tv show a while back, someone died and one of the lines was "life is so short", to which the grieving person responded "not when you've lost someone" .......it's always stuck with me, life is WAY TOO long when our Moms, Dads or anyone else is physically gone from this world. So, I have no words of comfort, I don't believe they exist but I hope that maybe some tiny part of you can read our posts and realise there might just be even one other person in this world who can identify with you. It won't take the pain away or make it easier but hopefully it might give you some tiny comfort to just know you might not be as alone as you think and feel right now. we are always here to share, no judging, no expectations just a bunch of lonely kids trying to get by in this world. sending a big hug and lots of love your way princesspeanut, Niamh xo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Princesspeanut Posted January 19, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 Thank You Niamh, your words were very true and powerful. I appreciate you taking the time to reach out...Im here for you if you need anything Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Princesspeanut Posted January 19, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 BellaRosa, I am here and I understand how you feel totally - it is good to know we are not alone in our struggles and our desire to turn back time. Sometimes when the loop starts playing I just distract myself with some kind of happy fantasy that is so unrelated to death, like winning the lottery Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Princesspeanut Posted January 19, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 Thank you L - You took the words right out of my mouth "I feel like Im just existing"...I feel so worthless and I want to be the type of person that my Dad would be proud of, but everytime I get happy I remember the tragedy and I am lost again into my sadness. Thanks for letting me know I am normal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Princesspeanut Posted January 19, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 Here for you too Jodi, anytime Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Princesspeanut Posted January 19, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 nanasbaby, All I ever want is the things from childhood, when my Dad was around and fine and childhood memories so I think what your doing is so normal. I even have considered moving back to my childhood neighborhood because i just want for one second to feel the happiness I did as A child. Sometimes I cannot even believe it has happened...Im so sorry for the loss of your mother, especially in the first few weeks you've just got to let yourself do whatever feels right. Im so sorry for everything your going through and you are in my thoughts Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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