Perkins808 Posted January 31, 2011 Report Share Posted January 31, 2011 Today I decided to take a look back on my posts.....from the beginning. I am including my first, which I posted 4 months ago - two months after my husband Jeff died: Nine months ago my fiance Jeff (my soulmate, my bestfriend) was diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer. We got married, had a beautiful wedding that we managed to put together in four days and then three days later he started chemo and radiation. He responded so fantastically that at the end of June we were told that the tumor in his esophagus was gone. We were still cherishing the great news when on July 18th, Jeff went into cardiac arrest while we were watching a movie and died at the age of 45. I was devastated to say the least.....the emotional roller coaster we had been on for almost a year was overwhelming. We were just finishing up his last rounds of treatments and were looking forward to enjoying some "normal" life that didn't include weekly trips to Dana-Farber. How cruel life can be! Now it's been two months and I still feel lost. I think the worst feeling is that I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore - not even home. I keep myself busy to the point of exhaustion so that I don't dwell on being so all alone. I never did alone well.....and I was lucky enough to have found a man who loved spending as much time with me as I did with him. We spent every minute we could together, and never tired of each other. Unfortunately as much as I enjoyed it while he was here, it makes now so much harder. I have been to so many grief sights looking for something positive to latch onto, and I find this site to be so much more positive than other sites I've seen. I don't want to dwell on negativity, I want to grow, I want to be positive.....it's how we lived when Jeff was here, it's how he'd want me to be, it's how I want to be. I know everyone grieves in their own way, but does anyone have any advice on how to stay positive while going through this overwhelming process? When I posted this I was looking to grasp onto any little string of hope.....with the hopes that I would make it through this horrendous journey I had been forced into. I am so happy to say that I have found the positive ways to deal with things - in large part thanks to all of you and your advice and words of encouragement. I AM living my life, in a way that brings me happiness - and in the way that Jeff and I lived while he was here. I still find a reason every day to say that Life is Good.....and I think of Jeff smiling down on me when I think of all the reasons I have to feel blessed. Not to be misunderstood - I miss Jeff every day, and there are still moments where the grief is overwhelming. I still catch myself in total disbelief that he is no longer by my side, but I've accepted the fact that he is not here with me physically. He'll ALWAYS be in my heart, I will always smile when I think back on all our wonderful memories, and I have the knowledge that I am who I am today because of everything he was to me. I am a better person for having known him! I am hoping that by sharing this with you.....you will find hope that there will be happiness again. You may not even be able to register the idea right now - but you will look back someday and see how far you've come. Follow no one else's timeline.....just follow your hearts! Hugs, Tammy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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