Feeling Fine And Then...

[BellaRosa]

it's like the grief will just hit me all of a sudden. Last night I was driving home from work, and I just felt this overwhelming emptiness and loneliness. My husband was at basketball practice (he coaches) and my dad was working late. I didn't want to go home and be alone. Normally I would have gone to visit my mom, but she's gone and now I can't do that. I'm sure I could have called a friend, but I wanted HER specifically.

Then today at work, I had to work on a file that was started back in November. There are emails printed out in there from the morning of the day my mom collapsed, as well as from the morning of the day she passed. Just looking at the dates and times sent me back to those days and I had to go to the bathroom to cry because I just lost it. Up until about noon on November 11th, all was right in my world. Yes, my mom was sick, she had cancer, but she was HERE. I could talk to her and hug her and spend time with her. In a matter of seconds, my entire world was turned upside down and it doesn't feel like it will ever be right-side up again.

[Anne3]

BellaRosa, I just lost my mom two weeks ago and I know what its like to just want your mom. I am glad I found this site to share my feelings with others who know what you are going through. Anytime, I know I can come here and not feel like there is anything wrong with how I am feeling. I hope you know that these are normal feelings so I am told. I have been getting a lot of support and am grateful but there are times that I feel even lonelier with others because i know they are trying to help but there is only one person i need and i no longer have her to hug me and tell me that i will be okay. I have been talking to others who have lost there mother a long time ago and I find that helps as well. Even though I can't think about that far ahead yet, still taking it one day at a time, and sometimes one hour at a time.

[cowboy daughter]

Bellarosa

I lost my dad 11 days ago. Yesterday in the shower I just started sobbing and saying I want my Dad I want my Dad. I live 20 miles from work and always called him when I left work and talked to him all the way home. Well, I just got home from work and I feel like somethings wrong because I drove home without talking to him. If I left work late and didn't call on time he always called to check on me. I live alone so who's going to check on me now.

Hugs,

cowboy daughter---Janet

[Guest Nicholas]

It happens to me all the time, it seems worse when someone asks "how are you feeling today?" - I feel like yelling at them, "well I recently lost my son, and you?".

[BellaRosa]

Anne3, I also find that talking to other people who went through this helps me. It let's me see that they got through it, continued to live their lives, and are able to still be happy. Not that they don't have bad days or have gotten "over" it, but just that they've accepted it. It's just hard for me to think that far ahead right now. I'm 29, but I feel like I'm about 6 years old and just want my mommy.

Cowboy daughter, I used to go visit my mom on Mondays and Wednesdays after work. Those times just feel empty now. I still go to the house (almost everyday now), to be with my dad, but it's not the same. I know what you mean about not having anyone to check on you anymore.

Nicholas, the worst is coming into work on a Monday morning and everyone asks how your weekend was and what you did. I guess they're trying to be nice, but my mom is gone. Nothing is the same. I have no interest in going out and doing weekend "things" right now. And yes, I hate when people ask how I'm doing. They don't want a real answer. They want to hear that I'm doing fine and moving on.

[Anne3]

BellaRosa I have been feeling those same feelings. I have been getting hit by tidal waves of raw grief and it is terrible. I have this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach all the time. I have some people who think i should be being stronger. Well I feel like my world is shattered and there's not much i'm going to be able to do to put it back together. I wonder how people go on, I know that they do, but I just feel so empty.

[BellaRosa]

Again, I thought I was doing OK the past few days, but then last night I just lost it again. I know logically what happened and that my mom is not coming back, but HOW is this possible? How could this have possibly happened to my family? How am I supposed to live the rest of my life without my mother?

Everything just feels so wrong. Now it's just me, my husband, and my dad. Three of us. It feels so unbalanced. I thought about that even when my mom was still in the hospital. We were in the cafeteria getting something to eat, and I realized that it was just going to be the three of us from now on.

It just feels like there are so many obstacles coming up so quickly. We just passed the three month mark, but next month will be four months AND it happens to land on St. Patrick's Day -- my mother's second favorite holiday after Christmas. Next month is also my dad's birthday. Then in April is what should be my mom's 62nd birthday. Then May is Mother's Day. As if day to day living isn't hard enough, there are all these HUGE events (at least it feels that way) all coming up so quickly.

The worst part about this is that it feels like there is no end to the pain. The only way for me to feel better is for my mom to come back, and that's not possible. I feel like we've all suffered so much for too long already and it should be over. She should come back and everything should go back to normal, like it was before.

I know that it will get easier in time. I know that three months is nothing in the grand scheme of things. I just feel like I'm so DONE with all of this and I want it to just go away. I want my normal life back, the life that includes my mother.

[Chai]

Dear BellaRosa and others,

All I can say is...I have been there.

I know what you mean, that you just want things to go back to the way they were, that the world feels like it has spun off of its axis, and meanwhile everyone is driving you crazy by asking you inane questions. I relate to all of this.

I felt so angry for a time, whenever people would talk about their dads, after I lost my dad. And when people asked me "how are you?" I would say OK but it would be the biggest lie ever. Then later when I got comfortable with telling people how I *actually* was, sometimes they would come up with fake condolences; more often than not though, I was very careful with who I talked to...and when I talked with the right people, like those on this forum, I got relief. Somehow, just knowing that you are not alone in your frustration and sadness and everything, helps.

I hope that you all keep posting and reading this forum, because it really does help.

(((((Hugs))))) to all,

Chai

[BellaRosa]

Chai,

Yes! People drive me absolutely nuts! I can't stand to listen to them complain about their petty problems, nor can I bear to listen to them get excited about things that normally I would enjoy too. The weather is getting a bit nicer here and everyone is just so thrilled about it. I wish they would all just shut up. Not only do I not care about the weather, but the seasons changing is just a huge reminder to me that time is marching forward and my mom isn't here anymore.

It makes me furious to hear other women my age complain about their moms. Don't they realize how lucky they are to still have their moms here? I know I used to be one of those people, but everything is so different on this side.

No one really asks how I am. I have to bring it up and that just feels awkward. If I am having an especially bad day and someone notices, it's like they're surprised to hear I'm still sad and depressed. It hasn't even been four months. How is that enough time to "get over" a 29-year relationship with the woman who gave me life and raised me?