Dealing With It

[Tina287]

It's been a little more than 7 weeks since Michael passed. We have never been apart for more than 3 weeks. I still cry every morning and night but I manage to still get up and go to work. I talk about him a lot. I started to notice that none of his family wanted to talk about him nor do they want to listen to me. It hurt my feelings. None of my family are here with me, so I have always accepted his family as my own. I think I was expecting more support from them. I am a pretty positive person, but it is hard to be cheery tonight.

I miss Michael a lot. I know there will be good days and bad days ahead. Maybe more bad ones in the beginning. I could not even figure out how I survived the last 7 weeks. I picture myself in a tunnel with just enough light 2 to 3 ft ahead of me. I may trip and fall but if I keep moving ahead, I'll get to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I read some of the postings and saw that even after 6 months or a year, the pain was still there, maybe in a lesser/different degree. I have to admit that I am a little discouraged right now. I wish it was like a movie where you experience loss on one scene. Then the next scene will say one or two years later...

I wish...I wish...

I may not understand why Michael is no longer here but I know in my heart that there is a purpose to all this. Thank you for reading this.

love, Tina

[Dimcl]

I'm so able to relate to what you're saying, Tina. My darling Glenn has been gone for 3 1/2 months and it does seem harder now than before. I posted on this forum fairly regularly in the beginning, but now it just seems that I can't do anything but cry and try to fight the sick feeling in my stomach 24/7. There seems to be nothing to talk about because it doesn't change anything.

I was just thinking the other night that if you'd have told me 6 months ago that I could live without Glenn for this length of time, I'd have said you were crazy. The longest we were ever apart in 33 years was for about 10 days and that was excruciating, but we talked on the phone every night. Then, on that horrible night in November, he just left and getting used to the idea that he's gone permanently is still so hard.

Also, like you, I'm finding that family and friends are getting what I call the "roll their eyeballs look" the moment I mention Glenn's name. It's like I shouldn't talk about my life anymore because he's dead. As if my whole history was wiped clean when he died and I shouldn't talk about it. My God, my life didn't start on November 1, 2010! I'm finding this very difficult to deal with and can feel myself withdrawing. I know that's not good, but if people can't understand why an anecdote about my husband, said in the context of general conversation appears perfectly normal to me, then they can go pound salt. Now, I just tell people that I'm doing okay (if they ask, which isn't even happening much anymore) and even with my Mom and my good friends, I'm keeping close-mouthed. There was just Glenn and I for so many years and I guess it's going to stay just Glenn and I.

I tell you these things so that you'll know that what you're going through is pretty normal, I'm afraid. I'm glad, though, that you have a job to get up and go to because it keeps you occupied and your brain functioning. I'm only 56, but am retired and although I try to keep busy, filling the long, lonely days is very difficult.

The only way that you and I differ is that I don't for a moment believe that there's any purpose at all to this. The gods of fate simply pointed their fingers at my husband and me and said, "Let's mess with these folks" and there is no rhyme nor reason to any of it.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, Tina. I know that 7 weeks feels like an eternity to you, but you just have to continue doing what you're doing - one foot in front of the other, day in and day out. What other choice do any of us have?

[Lainey]

Dear Tina,

I'm so sorry for your loss and that you are hurting. All that you are experiencing is normal, I'd say.

You are so new to this journey, and as much as you don't want to hear this, it is a life long trip we are on. It does get better for the most part, but there are times for me that it still feels like it just happened. Lars has been gone for 14 months now.Your being a positive thinker is a benefit in being able to see ahead. Soon the tunnel you are in will begin to show more light.

I found that family would put up with my talking of Lars, friends not so much.I have one special friend that I can talk to and she listens, doesn't judge, and gives helpful advice when asked. You're right, we were part of a twosome and how quickly people forget. I try to remember that these people have no idea what or what not to say to us, so it's easier for them to ignore the subject.

I agree 100% about wishing it was a movie, imagine being able to change the outcome. Our darlings would be back, no pain, no cancer. If we believe in after-life though,that is how they are now, no pain and suffering.It's us left behind that have the pain and suffering of loss.

Dimcl..I also have alot of time to fill. Like most people, at first I shopped. Once I was able to stay at home more, I began to find my hobbies looked interesting again. Also my doctor suggested I volunteer. I took his advice and go twice a week to a nursing home and do whatever they need me for. So far I've learned to play bingo many ways, we baked cupcakes for Valentines, etc. I'm enjoying it immensely, it uses up 5 to 6 hours in a week and I'm giving to my community. Could you find a place to volunteer at?

Lainey

[Chrissie]

Tina,

I am so sorry for your loss and for the pain you are feeling. At seven weeks your journey has just begun. I was in such a fog at that time I don't know how I even functioned, but it does get better. I lost my husband, Tim, a little over a year ago and I won't lie, it's been very hard to go on without him. I know I have to take one day at a time and each day gets a little easier. The memories that used to make me cry, now make me smile, and I am able to say I feel blessed for the years I had with him. I will miss him always but feel like I have him with me because I carry him in my heart. Also, I talk about Tim all the time. If you're feeling no one wants to hear you talk about Michael, come here and tell us all about him. We're all here for you and best of all we all understand. I know I would never be where I am today if it were not for all the wonderful friends on this site. Keep posting. Sending you lots of hugs.

Chris

[sunstreet]

Dear Tina,

I am so so sorry for you loss and the pain, horrendous pain that follows. Wow, that is great that you are able to get yourself to work. I think it good to do things if you can. I know it is so torturously painful when those around us don't know how to help us. I resonate with your hurt feelings. You have found a wonderfully safe site here full of wonderful people who sadly resonate with your pain. We all get it here, if you can I encourage you to just let it all out here. I know for myself, this site literally has been a life line for me in my path with grief and loss.

For sure, I remember feeling like I was in a tunnel and did not know how I was surviving. For me, that feeling of being in a tunnel did change with time. Everyone's timeline will be different as we all have different life experiences and coping abilities.

I understand that you feel discouraged with reading other posts that talk of being in pain 6 months, 1 year, and so on. I don't want to mis-lead you at all, my belief is that the healing after loosing our spouse is a lifetime commitment and path. I don't want to discourage you either....for I am at the place of feeling joy and eager to face my future and see possibilites and life again.

I am glad that you are a possibility thinker as that will help you along the way. I too wish we didn't have to go through the pain but if we are to survive in tact, I believe we have to try.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[Queeniemary]

Tina, I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. Like Lainey and Chris, it has been just over a year for me. There are some good days, and of course, still some bad days, but the good come more often than the bad. I know you probably get tired of people saying time will help, but it really does. You will never forget, but time does help in that as it passes you learn coping skills that you never wanted to have to learn. Like Lainey, I try to keep pretty busy. I am involved in community theater, as was my Michael, and that keeps me busy. I love it, and it was something that he loved, and we did together. Most of our best friends came through the theater group, and I am very fortunate that they all talk about Michael, and I never get the feeling from any of them that they wish I would not talk so much about him. We joke about things that happened in different production on stage, and Michael's name comes up real often, as he was in almost every production that we have done in the last 20 years.

I know the pain and disbelief you are feeling right now, and like you, I also wished I could fast forward to an easier time. This place has helped me so much over the past year, and while we all progress in our grief differently, (after all we are all different) there is always someone here to lend an ear, and a helping hand. We all know where you are coming from, because we have been there, or are there ourselves now.

Hugs to you

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkanas

[kayc]

Tina,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through...it's something we've all been through and wish we could spare others from.

You have amazing insight, and that you can realize that (your analogy of the tunnel with 2-3' of light in front of you was very poignant and real) at only 7 weeks out is a very good sign. It tells me you'll make it...I know, you probably doubt that at times or don't see how, but you will. You are positive and have faith, those are very good qualities to have.

You spoke of his family...I know it's disappointing, it would be really nice if they would interact with you more, it could be a great help to you. Try to remember that they are undoubtedly grieving too and everyone does so differently. Some people can't talk about it (it's like it makes it real to them) while others need to. We have to allow others to grieve in their own way. Is there a friend you can talk to, or maybe a friend of his that would listen?

At any rate, we're all here for you and you can talk to us whenever you want. There's nearly always someone on line, if not at the moment, soon.

(((hugs)))

Kay