The Pain Never Leaves

[redwind30]

It has been ten months since I lost my sweet husband. I really think the pain is getting worse. I don't think it will ever end. The lonliness is suffocating...no chldren, family is 500 miles away. Too many years at my job to move; I will lose all of my retirement. Constantly afraid of everything. Afraid I am going to "miss something" important I should be taking care of. Afraid of losing my job. Afraid of losing our little dog. Afraid of what will happen next. I am trying to trust God. trying to belive that He has something good for me; but I have come to expect only the worse. Friends have disappeared. Many of them have lived such a charmed life; never having to deal with the sickness or loss of a loved one. They have no idea how blessed they are.

I don't see any point in anything any more. Nothing is enjoyable. I don't think I will ever be happy again.

I miss my parents and my husband so much....

[melina]

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. It's been nearly seven months for me, and even though I have children, I still feel the loneliness and the deep sadness.

I understand your feelings of fear and panic too. And the feeling that life is pointless. It's tough to think about the future, so I don't. I just try to take one day at a time. If I think too far ahead, I get scared.

Is there anything at your job that you find comforting? Even just keeping busy with something other than grief? That helps me for a few hours anyway. I still have to face the grief and memories when I come home, but a brief reprieve helps a little.

Melina

[Rochel]

Hi Redwind30....I can relate so well to your misery in losing a husband....my husband died 1.5mos ago and I still can't pull myself out of the hole and the hole in the heart that the loss created...yes, God is your strength but sometimes you need to talk it out with a dear trusting friend...and especially someone that has gone thru your same pain...I just started readintg a book entitled "Mars & Venus Starting Over" John Gray, Phd....he talks about his own personal loss of a dad and dear brother...anyway...He says that in order to heal that you must process out anger, sorrow, fear, sadness....to really be honest with yourself...I read that you have many fears...I also had to put my Cocker Spaniel down about 3 mos ago...killed me...the last bond to my deceased husband (Bob)...If you can write out your feelings it can really help...I will be praying for you...so sorry for your huge loss....Blessings, Rochel

[wmjsca]

Hi Redwind,

I know exactly how you feel. Clint has been gone four months, and just this morning I went to the store we went to often and almost broke down crying in the parking lot. I was thinking about how I had pulled in to that same lot just five months ago and his car was sitting there, parked, and he was almost too ill to drive it home. Neither one of us knew he was dying, even then. It is just so hard to believe he's gone forever. And the way I feel is that no one really cares that my heart is torn out of my body and nothing seems real or satisfying anymore. Life is simply going through the motions. All of us at this forum can relate, which is why we write to each other. Here, people can identify. The world could care less. I, too believe in God and that He will get me through. I sometimes scream at God....I'm angry...but I know that He makes these decisions and that my faith must sustain me. It is hard. Life is hard. Death is hard. The pain never leaves, you're right. I have to believe I'll see Clint again one day. I also believe that whenever the sun shines really brightly, it's Clint looking over me and that his spirit is with me. Most days, that's enough....but some days, nothing works and I'm just a mess. Like today. This is a very sad day for some reason. I really wanted to cheer you up, but all I can do right now is tell you that I understand and am here for you and believe that one day we'll both be happy again. Someday.

[Guest Joe1937]

Redwind, I would like to say that I feel your pain but as you might guess I have my own pain. I lost my soul mate 5 weeks ago. She was the kindest, most wonderful woman I ever met. We had 35 years together, and while the first three were a little rocky, the other 32 were better than I ever could hope for.

Any way this forum has helped me a little in a surprisingly different way than I expected. One member contacted me with a private message and we have had several exchanges off forum. It seems that we both wanted, or needed, to talk about our spouses. The difference is that we have shared some information that one might not be comfortable putting on a public forum. In short it's a little more intimate and it worked well for me, it seems to work for the member I am chatting with, and it might help you air your feelings.

Joe

[sunstreet]

Dear Redwind30,

I am truly sorry for your pain. I understand it so well as I was once there where you are now. It may be that the shock is wearing off for you now and that is why it is feeling worse now. Sadly, grief is not a straight line, it ebbs and flows as the tide and sometimes it is a raging storm.

I am much further along than you and I moved through my pain to a place where I feel joy in my life again....I pray it will be so for you one day too.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann