I Say All The Right Things!

[danosgirl]

Its been almost 7 months since I lost Dan and why cant I be honest? I talk to everyone bout him and say all the right things like " I have to make him proud" and " I cant let his death be in vein" and "Im ok" . When the truth is I am not ok. I miss him so much its hard to breath sometimes. I feel like half of my soul is missing and I have such a feeling of hopelessness. I have days where I really dont want to be on this earth without him. I think about him every second of the day, and am secretly crying behind closed doors. I want to scream its not frigging fair Im in so much pain. What do I do without him? How do people go on? People tell me it will get easier but bull sh** it isnt easier some days it feels harder. People say you have to think of your three kids and I know that in theory its true I love my kids but I just cant seem to understand how Im supposed to make my whole existance bout them when I am hurting so bad. Dan and I were so happy, and now I find myself looking forward to growing old and seeing him again in heaven when its my time. Im not trying to be ungreatful for all the wonderful gifts god has given me,,,, but I MISS HIM SOOOOO and sometimes I am so mad that god took him from me!

[wmjsca]

Hi Danosgirl,

I am so sorry for your loss and can understand how you feel. It's been only four months for me, but that's long enough to know that life does go on and some days I can function pretty well. But, on those down days, I am also angry with God and can't understand why He took him away. I was finally happy and now Clint is gone. I have a young son, too, and realize I cannot simply wither away and hide the rest of my life, but it is a very sad existence sometimes. I am trying hard to find an identity for myself, without Clint and that's the most difficult part. He was my friend as well as my partner and I miss him each and every day. We did mostly everything together and now I must do it alone. I cried last night for the first time in a little while and it was as though I had just lost him all over again. I don't believe the tears will ever stop and the pain is so deep. I can relate to being a mother and wondering if that's all I'll ever be in life again. I must re-invent whoever I am going to be, without the man I loved so much. It seems that things will never get better, but the pain will lessen. You will find joy in your children and can share that with the spirit of your lost love. He will be there watching over your family; it's hard to consider that as consolation, especially when you want him by your side. I know. But the reality is that he is lost to you in life as you knew him and you've got to push on for yourself and the children. I don't know how long grieving lasts, but I do know that my faith in the Lord has sustained me throughout my life. This is the biggest test, so far. I am still shaky, but most days I'm able to pull it together. You will be better in time. It's good you're getting the feelings out. Don't be afraid to feel--it's necessary to get through it. I'm praying for you. Take care.

[mfh]

Its been almost 7 months since I lost Dan and why cant I be honest? I talk to everyone bout him and say all the right things like " I have to make him proud" and " I cant let his death be in vein" and "Im ok" . When the truth is I am not ok. I miss him so much its hard to breath sometimes. I feel like half of my soul is missing and I have such a feeling of hopelessness.

I could have written these words...I understand. We say what people want to hear but try doing it honestly. Just think about saying something like..."it is very hard for me" Most will not pick up on it because people do not know how to handle grief. I found the key to be having a couple people I can talk with honestly. At first, 11 months ago when Bill died, everyone was there most wanting truth. Now it is rare when someone asks or wants truth. It is a lonely walk and NO one on this planet can walk in your shoes but I hope posting here helps. Having one or two people or a grief counselor has helped me. I get the "hard to breath" thing and all the feelings you have. It is 11 months today and I feel like I am still at a funeral. I won't say it gets better with time. It changes for sure but I hurt as much today as I did when he drew his last breath. It changes...but he is still in the back of my mind all the time. As for the kids, you will always be there for the kids but this is YOUR life and they can not understand your pain. Be good to YOU. No one else can do that as well as you can.

[danosgirl]

Im overwhelmed by the amount of people who seem to be feeling the same thing I do. Ive taken some time over the last couple of days to read some others postings and I have to be honest it gives me a weird sense of peace knowing that others are in fact suffering in some of the same ways I am. I have a wonderful family and a great greif counselor but it still didnt seem like enough, like I was floating around in a huge ocean of despair with no one else in sight. I want to thank those who take the time to not only respond to my postings but to those of you who post your own feelings as well. I find reading them helps me deal with the fact that my life feels very empty. Knowing that this is just a process that we all are going through and that theres really no right or wrong in how we feel gives me some piece of mind and makes me feel like Im not some kind of freak. Sometimes when I talk to loved ones about how I am feeling in the back of my mind Im thinking you cant really know how I am feeling and I wish I wasnt burdening them. But I dont have those feelings when I post on here. I just get a feeling of finally someone knows how it feels!!!! I am very greatful and can only hope that maybe something I write may be helpful to someone else. If there is ever anything I can do for one of you please dont hestitate to ask. God Bless.

[Deb625]

Its been almost 7 months since I lost Dan and why cant I be honest? I talk to everyone bout him and say all the right things like " I have to make him proud" and " I cant let his death be in vein" and "Im ok" . When the truth is I am not ok. I miss him so much its hard to breath sometimes. I feel like half of my soul is missing and I have such a feeling of hopelessness. I have days where I really dont want to be on this earth without him. I think about him every second of the day, and am secretly crying behind closed doors. I want to scream its not frigging fair Im in so much pain. What do I do without him? How do people go on? People tell me it will get easier but bull sh** it isnt easier some days it feels harder. People say you have to think of your three kids and I know that in theory its true I love my kids but I just cant seem to understand how Im supposed to make my whole existance bout them when I am hurting so bad. Dan and I were so happy, and now I find myself looking forward to growing old and seeing him again in heaven when its my time. Im not trying to be ungreatful for all the wonderful gifts god has given me,,,, but I MISS HIM SOOOOO and sometimes I am so mad that god took him from me!

It is true that those who have not experienced the loss of a spouse can empathize, but to truly understand losing your other half, your best friend, your future is sometimes unbearable. It is the small stuff that seems to hurt the most - i.e. no one to talk to when I get home, no one to share accomplishments, no one to cook for (I used to love to cook and still can't cook for one...). I believe, we don't get over it, we get through it and that time will eventually heal, however, there is no set time line and we will all come through at our own speed... I'm sure I'm like most here - the first 3 months were an absolute blur, the first 6 months were still full of wracking, uncontrollable sobs, at 9 1/2 months, I still cry everyday and "waves" hit me where I am still dibilitated in grief... We just need to be gentle, feel what we need to feel and keep trying to take care of ourselves (eat,drink lots of water, try to exercise and get out and participate in life). I don't think any of us want to be sad forever and I know our love will always be there with us in memory and in everyday life. This is a journey no one wanted to be on, however, I want to believe and hold onto that I don't want be sad forever. I feel that if I just keep trying to move forward (and really there is not much choice), that I will one day realize that I do feel alive and can feel joy again... It just may not be today. Take care, Deb

[sunstreet]

I am so very sorry for your loss. I understand your pain so well as I was once right there where you are now. It has only been 7 months for you, it has been just over 7 years for me. For me, the pain eased over time and I feel joy in my life again.

All of your feelings are so totally OK and allowed. I remember being so angry at God too, so much so that I would go into the woods where no other humans were and scream at God.

You ask how do people go on...one foot in front of the other...and at times...from one minute to the next. Journalling helped me so very much in the beginning and my painting, and coming here.

I encourage you to just let it all out, think of your pain as waves, and all waves eventually reach shore and dissipate.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann