Need To Talk But Can't

[merangel08]

I didn't write anything here for a while, but I come everyday to this site to read, it makes me feel I'm not alone. And I'm glad some of you are finding joy and happiness again, and i'm sad others are struggling so much.

It's just that I can't talk about my pain... I have been bottling up my feelings from the beginning so now I kind of got used to hiding my sadness. When I cry it's always in my room or when i'm home alone.But I just can't talk in front of people. I would rather make people believe that I'm ok than having to tell them how I feel (it doesn't do me any good actually because I know they don't understand). Everyone thinks I should be fine by now. I have been invited to my friends wedding less than 3 months after my loss. I couldn't go, and it seems like she is mad at me now, she used to call me every now and then. Not anymore !

I also can't look at pictures yet. I asked my brother to make a CD with all our family pictures and videos (holidays, celebrations,...etc.) I have it in a box in my room but can't find the courage to look at them yet. I don't know why I am so scared of looking at them or even looking at dad's clothes, I can't even talk about old memories or hear about them. It's just beyond my abilities for the moment. It doesn't mean that I'm not doing any "better"! I do have normal days more often and I can smile and laugh more often too thanks to my family. But is it just because I'm not ready to face the reality and escaping it most of the time ? I really don't know.

I can't wait for the day I will be able to talk to people about our old happy life and show them pictures and feel this pride I always felt about being my dad's girl !

Thank you all for taking the time to read this.

Wishing you a lot of courage,

Meryem

[njc48]

Just to let you know that I often feel the same way. I hate talking about my feelings to anyone because they dont understand or it is obvious they don't know what to say or say the wrong thing which makes you feel worse. I think avoiding looking at pictures, talking about memories for me is acknowledging the loss and having to feel/face the pain. I am so sick of feeling sad and angry I just want it all to go away and feel normal again. I wanted to share this credo that was given to me by a friend hope you don't mind. Take care

The After Loss Credo by Barbara Hills LeStrang

I need to talk about my loss.

I may often need to tell you what happened

or to ask you why it happened.

Each time I discuss my loss, I am helping myself

face the reality of the death of my loved one.

I need to know that you care about me.

I need to feel your touch, your hugs.

I need you just to be with me.

(And I need to be with you.)

I need to know you believe in me and in my

ability to get through my grief in my own way.

(And in my own time).

Please don't judge me now

or think that I'm behaving strangely.

Remember, I'm grieving. I may even be in shock.

I may feel afraid. I may feel deep rage.

I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt.

I'm experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt

before.

Don't worry if you think I'm getting better

and then suddenly seem to slip backward.

Grief makes me behave this way at times.

And please don't tell me to get on with my life.

(I'm probably already saying this to myself).

What I need now is time to grieve and recover.

Most of all, thank you for being my friend.

Thank you for your patience. Thank you for caring.

Thank you for helping, for understanding.

Thank you for praying with me.

And remember, in the days or years ahead,

after your loss - when you need me

as I have needed you - I will understand

And then I will come and be with you.

[merangel08]

Thank you very much for your reply and for sharing these words. It really says it all.

I do have one very supportive and caring friend. She is there for me whenever I need her. She has been a great help

[niamh]

hi Meryem,

I'm glad you don't feel so alone when you read here.

I am sorry you can't talk about your pain, sometimes it's all that keeps me sane

I know people don't understand fully but do you have any close friends you trust who could have some compassion and a good listening ear. Surprisingly enough some of the closest friends that have been a rock to me have not experienced such horror, but they are so understanding. I think part of it is because I have been so honest with them about so much of it and it's truly opened their eyes to real grief. They don't have expectations of me, they still ask how I really am and still listen when I need to talk. One of my closest friends tells me often how proud of me she is and it's just nice to hear that reassurance, for her to truly realise how difficult simply getting out of bed and going to work can be but I still do it everyday.

Wow, I'm sorry your friend seems mad because you couldn't go to a wedding 3 months after, I could barely go to the store after 3 months so of course a wedding is too much. I'm 15 months in now and I still don't think I could go to a wedding, even talks of weddings makes me want to run........I am not married, so I will never have my Dad walk me down the aisle, never have father daughter dance, never know what he would have said to me on that day.........so yeah even the mention of the word I need to run from it. It's such a special Dad/Daughter thing.

I'm right with you on the photos, I cannot do it either. I did manage to make a short DVD for my Mom but I haven't look at it since. I think I fear running out of "new" photos to see, what happens when I've seen every photo of my Dad a hundred times over, I can't get any new ones and that scares me.

I'm with you too on the memories, my Mom & I don't talk about my Dad, once in a while she will mention something small, it hurts so bad. I do write about memories with some people, writing is easier than talking out loud. If I open my mouth with a memory, I choke up and want to stop because most of the time I can't get the words out, the pain just covers me from head to toe.

And you know what Meryem, nothing wrong with any of this, it's neither right nor wrong, it is what it is.

I feel your pride being your Dad's girl, I have that too, I want the world to know who my Dad is because he was just so great and there's millions of memories stuck somewhere in my head but for now it's where they pretty much need to stay.

sending you a ((Daddy girl hug))) and lots of comfort from another Daddy's girl,

Niamh

[merangel08]

Hi Niamh,

Thank you for your reply. I can relate to many things you said! I have a few really good friends who are ready to listen to me whenever I need to talk, but I'm not sure if they will understand or if they will say the things I want to hear! And every time I feel like I want to vent or talk, the words just won't come out ! I just hope that whenever I'm ready to talk and no matter how long it takes, I will find a non-judging patient ear ! And for the memories, they are still painful to evoke but at least we know they won't go anywhere, they will always be there waiting for us to be ready.

Take care Niamh,

Meryem

[kayc]

Meryem, I'm sorry for your loss...I think I missed seeing this because I was going through my own loss about this time. I am thankful we have this site to go to and we can be supportive of each other and listen to each other. My hugs to you...

[merangel08]

Hi Kayc,

I'm really sorry for your loss. And you are right I'm sure people here are very supportive, caring and really good listeners

[niamh]

yep I hear you Meryem, I wonder if I will ever get to the day where I can look back, reminisce about the good times and I do hope if that day ever comes there will be someone who is interested and wants to listen not out of obligation but just being genuinely interested....it doesn't feel like that day will be anytime soon that's for sure. My Mom is the same, neither of us reminisces.

((hugs))

Niamh