Awful Thoughts

[plasticmary]

I am struggling so much with how I treated my dog, Molly, the last few months of her life. I wasn't mean - never, never mean - but I have four dogs and I started a new job in December. I was home most of the day before my new my job, which I really like. Once I got out and started working, it felt so good to be out, that I didn't want to go home. Either my husband or I had to go home every day to let the dogs out because, now that they are older, they started peeing on the floor. Or maybe they were just not used to no one being home with them. But it was so annoying to have to go home and then, if they still peed after we made the trip home, it was extra frustrating. I mean, we didn't do anything to them, of course, other then moan about it, but I feel bad for being frustrated and not more understanding. I feel worse that they were home alone and I didn't walk them as much as used to. I hated that they were cooped up inside all day.

Molly could not go on walks, anyway, because of her heart. It was so sad to take my other three walking without her. I had tried to take her with me and she would seem okay but sometimes she would fall over - even a walk down the driveway could be too much for her. So, eventually, we faced the fact that she could not go on walks. I thought several times about buying her a stroller or something so she could go with us but I'm always worried about money, so I never ended up doing it.

Winter is so dark and dreary and I felt terrible that all my dogs were locked up in the house all day long. There were many days the healthy three didn't get walked because I was too wrapped up in my new job. With Molly, I was, in a way, ignoring her failing health, acting like it was any other day, thinking, well, I'll take them for a walk tomorrow. This past winter felt so dreary to me and I'm not sure if they felt that way but I thought they must and those dreary months were last months of her life.

I also started thinking a lot about how hard it was to have four dogs and how I was kind-of ready not to have so much responsibility. Ultimately, I know those thoughts stem from me just wanting to give them a great life and feeling bad because I do not have the money or resources to give them everything. I wanted them to have a pool, a great back yard, freedom to run around a great big property and explore. But their life is mostly inside, laying around sleeping. And Molly's was a lot of sleeping. Her life had become food and sleeping. Sometimes I cook for them but I didn't cook all the time. Worried, again, about money, I substituted the cooked food with canned mixed in with their kibble. They seem to like the canned food but I know it's crap. I mean, I always let her lick the plate, fed her lots of scraps but I wish I had given her great, cooked food too. She loved, loved, loved food. And I wish I had purchased a buggy so she could go walking with us. And given her a bath. Why didn't I give her a bath?

The thing I feel the most guilt about are my thoughts that maybe I was ready to have her move on. That maybe it would be a bit of relief. I was telling my sister that I never wanted to have four dogs again, maybe no more animals. A lot of that was because I can't stand to see them get old and feel bad. And because I suck at managing my money and I don't ever have the resources to give them the greatest, best life they can possibly have. That they deserve. When we bought a house, our number one priority was a good yard for the dogs. The house we chose has a big yard but nothing in it, so it essentially, is just their oversized bathroom. I still have to take them for walks because otherwise they are bored out of their minds.

It hasn't been easy to have four dogs - two were adopted and two were fosters that never left. There is lots of hair and work and vet bills. After so many years of not being able to travel without feeling bad for leaving them, always having to go home, hating to go out because I hated to leave them, part of me was feeling like I wanted a little bit of freedom. And I started feeling like I was spending too much on Molly's health care. My other dogs need it to but the vet bills and medicine were so much, I couldn't take the other three.

I don't know. I hate that I started thinking that I was okay with Molly passing. Now that's she's gone, I know I was not okay with it - at all! I had dreaded it my whole life. She was so amazing and I feel like I failed at the end. She deserved loved and special treatment and, I loved her dearly, but so imperfectly. Sorry. I know this is a bunch of rambling but I just needed to get it out...

[kayc]

I am sorry you lost Molly. I'm sure she was a special dog and deserved such a special life and you feel she didn't get what she deserved.

I have a dog, Arlie, and it would be so great if he had a fenced yard with another big dog to run and play with...but he doesn't. He has me. I do the best with him that I can...I walk him twice a day and play with him most evenings. But in the day when I'm at work (I'm gone 11 hours a day because I have a long commute) he is in a pen. I had a roof put over it and keep cedar shavings on the ground and had a nice doghouse built for him...but still it is a pen. I can't keep him in the house because he's a chewer and I wouldn't have a house left when I returned if I did...as it is, he's chewed the trim off the front of my house. But I do have toys and bones in his pen and he has a front view of what's happening on the street.

When I've had my son's dog, Skye, with me, he's been in the house while I'm at work...I keep the blinds up so he can see outside and I keep a box of newspaper wadded up for him to tear up if he wants to (he knows it's for this) and I leave the radio on softly so he doesn't feel so alone, and it's helped his frustration level.

Sometimes our pets don't have ideal or perfect situations, but they have their needs met and they know we love them. It's not that different from having kids. I wish I could help my son pay for his college tuition, but I can't. I wish I could have given my daughter piano lessons, but I couldn't. But we did our best with what we had and have to accept that we were good parents, even if not what we consider ideal. Try not to beat yourself up over what you can't change. Guilt's purpose is to call attention to something that needs changing...beyond that and it turns to shame, whose purpose is to hold us down and keep us there. Shame is something we need to reject for it has no good purpose in our life. We can learn from our past but then we have to let go of it and go on to live a brighter future.

I'm sure if I could ask Molly, she would say you were her wonderful owner, her Mommy, and she adored you. I'm sorry she couldn't go on walks with you, that must have been hard. Try to remember the good that you did do for her, remember the moments you loved her and did something special for her...that's what our pets remember. Know that she is going to a place where she can walk and run and be free of pain, and she doesn't have to wait to be let out...heaven is as much for our pets as it is for us, for it wouldn't be heaven without them.

[CJ Anderson]

Oh how glad that I amthat you are sharing your thoughts!

First, you did the PERFECT action by having multiple dogs! I know that you have forgotten that dogs are pack animals! You were a pack animal that would come in and out of the pack (going away to work) - just like when dogs wiuld go hunting! We think like humans and forget to think like dogs in assessing their lifestyle. If fact, I make a point to take different digs out for different event so farstall anxiety behaviors. When Foxie couldnt walk anymore, I would just sit with her watching tv.

But again I wish I cou;d give to you what a gift you gave her to spend her last months in a safe secure, shelter with her pack when so many are alone and unloved espcially at such a WONDERFUL old age. I also understand what you are saying with "care fatigue" . I have four dogs too like you and when life is wearing you down in these challenging time, having all those animals really adds to the challenge because you are not free to make decisions.Now one thing you could do is get with a rescue and put one or more of your dogs up for adpotion.?. It would be what they call a courtesy adoption. Would that be something that would help you?

I sure hope we can help you see how wonderful her life really was! Could you have done more in retrospect? Sure! Because wo matter what we do, Ill bet there is not one person here who didnt think of thijngs they would have done after the fact. So I KNOW there are thing you are thinking of you did for her (again, the just exordinary fact she lived 18 years-just exordinary for that breed!)

Again,I am not trying to mitigate your grief. As along as it takes it is what it is. I am only trying to separate the guilt and show that it is really really wrong because the trust and truth is that you WERE there for her in every way that counted! Hugs!

[plasticmary]

Thank you both for your replies. As for adopting out my dogs, I would never, ever, ever, ever in a million years ever get rid of one of them. Never. They are my family, as important to me as any family member. I was never feeling like I want to get rid of them. I think I am beginning to realize those thoughts were just a way of coping. A way for me to deal with the awful loss that was coming.

For some reason, today was better. I took my other dogs to the vet today and asked about Molly. Although he did not want to tell us what to do at the time - he said he doesn't want to make that decision for people - he told me today that I did the right thing. He told me she was suffocating and that it was the kindest thing we could do. It made me feel much better. I don't even really remember the exact chain of events. We were so upset, it's a bit blurry.

[CJ Anderson]

That is incredible example of listening to your inner self (ow higher self) and acting on the intuitive dialog! I live to stories like that because I have become convinced that dogs talk with our higher self ( or inner self ) and we do know what to do for them. I am really glad you are holding on to them too! have been through the deaths of 4 dogs and 2 parents and I know how bone tired on every level, mental,physical and emotional one can be after sharing that final journey. One thing that I do is to go into my bedroom and be quiet with my (current) dogs in apuppy pile (cause I sure dont like peoplet those times - sad smile). It took me so much longer to trust that inner voice.

[plasticmary]

kayc, Thank you for sharing that. I have slowly begun to realize that what you have said is true. I have learned so much through Molly's death. When people say to live each day like it is your last, I just think it is an impossible standard to live up to. There are so many things we do on a daily basis and sometimes it's hectic and we take things for granted. But to be able to just go about your daily business without having to milk every moment is a great blessing. Having felt so much pain over Molly's death, a somewhat normal day is such a gift. And you are so right, that it is like having children. My dogs are my children and, although I haven't been able to give them everything I want, we have done agility together, we went to the Grand Canyon with them, we hiked a canyon in Los Angeles several times a week and went to the dog park almost every day. We did pet parades and events. We did classes and went to the lake, the river, the field. In everything I did, every move we made, everything, they were always a consideration without question. We have picked every apartment and house with them in mind. So, thank you for sharing that with me. It has helped me get a better perspective. I miss Molly so much but I missing her now with less guilt and that has made the days much more bearable.

[plasticmary]

Thank you again for your words, CJ. Your posts have helped me a lot. In an odd way, asking me if I would adopt my dogs out through a rescue sort-of snapped me back to reality. I was so surprised by that question because it's so out of the realm of possibilities, it made realize that I am not as terrible as I was feeling. Death is the only thing that would ever separate me from my dogs and I have begun to realize that, as other people have pointed out, we are family. By no means are families perfect. I have definitely not done everything right with my sister or mom or husband but I love them fiercely and they know it. I have been annoyed with pretty much everyone in my family at some point but I would never do anything to hurt them. It's the same with my dogs. Anyway, I am surprised at how, in such a short time, I have been able to let go of the guilt and see what a great life I had with Molly. I miss her so much. I still can't do certain things that I did when she was alive because they make me too sad but not having so much guilt has been a great relief. We actually had a good day at the lake, me and my other three dogs today. I thought about Molly a lot and it was sad to be there without her but I appreciate so much that my three boys are still here.

I'm sorry you have lost so many pets and people. Thank you for using your experiences to help the rest of us.