hello123 Posted April 5, 2011 Report Share Posted April 5, 2011 I just don't understand I seem to have fallen out with all my close friends, for one reason or another, I don't think it's my fault in the situations I can't see what I've done wrong, yet here I am with no friends, people I've known for years shared so much with and now nothing. I just don't understand it happened so much straight after my dad, but now a year on it's still happening and slowly I have nobody and I wouldn't mind if I was older but Im at university and everyone is there people my age have close friends yet the people I used to have don't want anything to do with me/have upset me so much I don't want anything to do with them? I don't understand when thhis will stop..or why I even care because I know its not important its just another thing that makes me hate people and just want to be away from everyone Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Nicholas Posted April 5, 2011 Report Share Posted April 5, 2011 I find this very strange as you have always come across as a very nice and caring poster. Obviously as I don't know you "in real life", I can't comment definitively, but they can't be much of a group of friends if they treat you like this. I have found the opposite - all my friends have rallied round, even acquaintances. For example, the people in my local post office (where I go regularly to post my packages, I am a bookseller) had a whip-round shortly after my son died to help me with funeral expenses and they barely knew him. And many others made donations too. Nicholas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hello123 Posted April 5, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 5, 2011 I dont know if its because they are adolescent girls so quite bitchy but I dont understand! Its difficult for them to understand because their major stresses are dissertation deadlines etc but I have tried so hard to be understanding and it's not ALL my friends just a few that I considered really close friends, one of my friends was there for me in the first few months and told me not to be down because I have been losing friends and that it'll figure itself out and now months after living with her she has developed a problem with me for NO reason (not being biased there isnt one at all) and now she's just being really nasty and bitchy to me! I speak to my counsellor she thinks its because I havent been paying her attention about her problems but I have tried and told her if she wants to talk she can, I guess she doesnt feel comfortable talking to me about stuff so has pushed me away but its upsetting because it has made my final year away at University so much harder and more stressful! People did rally around at first and tried to help and now as months have passed its the opposite people are being nasty to me, I've tried as best as I can just going to try and forget about it now its just difficult when it happens more than once and you think what am I doing wrong for this to keep happening? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Nicholas Posted April 6, 2011 Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 I recall that I was at University when my mother died back in 1979, I was just 19 at the time, and I hardly discussed it with anyone, I was quite far from home and ran away from her illness and yet at Uni I hoped I could ignore it. I just tried to get on with my studies - no one at Uni knew my mother anyway - so I'm not really in a position to advise. I tried to conceal my grief as much as possible but this probably backfired later on in life. Nicholas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hello123 Posted April 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 Thanks. You say that backfired but I dont know what works then. I tried at the beginning being open and sharing realised people didnt care as much as Id hoped so then have been doing what you say, going away and forgetting about it and not sharing but this has made people turn on me. I suppose theres nothing I can do. You've been through so much it's weird seeing how it was so long ago for you I keep thinking "that won't be me" in 10/20 years time talking about this in the past tense but I guess it will. Its the worst age because all my friends and people arounds me parents are around doing what my dad used to do, I hear people say "My dad rings me all the time" or "My dad just put money in my bank account" and I don't know how you did it or got through it because I want it to happen to everyone so it's not in my face all the time, and it would make it a little less unfair. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Nicholas Posted April 6, 2011 Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 I have friends who talk about their mothers (still alive) - and yet mine died over 30 years ago. And now they talk about their children - and mine died in December. I really don't know what to add, other than life is so unjust. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted April 6, 2011 Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 Dear One, your posts remind me of an earlier thread that I hope you may find helpful: Communication. I hope you'll pay special attention to the information about National Students of AMF, an organization whose grief support services are aimed specifically at college students. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hello123 Posted April 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 Thank you so much for that link Marty never heard of them before! I wish they did something like that in the U.K it looks ideal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chai Posted April 10, 2011 Report Share Posted April 10, 2011 Dear hello, (((HUGSHUGSHUGS)) I am so sorry to hear about your trouble with friends! It is very hard. I wish I could give some explanation, but...all I can think of is that they are afraid of grief. I had some of my friends, admittedly not super close ones, ignore my grief or accidentally say something insensitive, and when I spoke to them about how hard it was and cried in front of them, they were so awkward and did not even hug me...but these are people who aren't super close, and have some family problems that have prevented them from being very nurturing people, sadly. Your situation sounds quite different. Still...the only reason I can think of is that they are afraid. People are so afraid of death and grief, so when they see us so sad, I believe that they imagine themselves in our situation. The idea is so frightening to them, that consciously or subconsciously, they try their best to get away from it. They do not want to be ripped apart inside like we are. Of course, they don't realize also how much it hurts us to feel so very alone... Again, ((((HUGS))). I really wish I could offer some help! I know what this feels like. I myself have fallen away a bit from close friends; but in my case, I think it's me, my not talking about it, so how can I expect them to? But your situation, it sounds like you are very open and kind, and still somehow they are pushing you away. Perhaps they are simply too afraid to face your grief. I hope that they start to pull around and get more brave, because you need them. Until that point, and beyond, we are here for you, friend. And to Nicholas - ((((HUGS)))) for you, too. I was in college when my father passed away...I did not even know he was in the hospital again, breathing his last...and after, and since I feel I have not faced up to my grief as much as I could. So, I can relate to what you are saying. You are emphasizing the importance of starting our grief journey right away, instead of holding it off until later...thank you for giving us newer ones that tip, to help us. take care, Chai Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hello123 Posted April 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 10, 2011 Nicholas: only just saw your reply, yeah it's true. I suppose people can't not talk about people just because we don't have them. Its just sometimes a little sensitivity wouldnt hurt. Chai: Thanks for your reply, it's true what you say they must be afraid, I don't think I'm open, I realised people don't like listening so I don't talk to people about it but I try and be normal and happy and I guess they assume you are so carry on. It is similar a few have had family problems but I never minimise what theyre going through I always say if you wanna talk I'm here but maybe they feel awkward talking about it? But then they say stuff like this is the worst thing thats happening etc (about things like parents splitting up) and it just shocks me. It's my one friend who has decided to turn on me recently, her parents have been split up for a while now, she was so supportive after my dad telling me not to worry that my true friends will be here for me. But now even her has just turned on me I've tried talking to her telling her I don't wanna drift apart but she for some reason has decided to turn on me and is just really nasty its worse because I have to live with her till Uni finishes and it makes me so angry!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted April 11, 2011 Report Share Posted April 11, 2011 Hi All, When I left my home town I left all my friends behind, I have been in my new place for almost seven years and still do not have any real friends.. I have fears that people will leave me behind and so here I am, I do everything alone.. Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
niamh Posted April 11, 2011 Report Share Posted April 11, 2011 hello123, I am so so sorry that your friends have abandoned you like that and that they are being nasty to you now. I wish I had words of advice, I wish I knew what to say. It is so hard when people don't understand properly, when they don't have the compassion and patience we need. I do think it's harder when you are at University, so much going on in life, a lot of people haven't had a major loss like you have with your Dad so some people lose patience faster when you are having hard time. Yes it is very hard when someone talks about the worst thing that has happened to them and as far as you are concerned it's barely a blip on the rader of bad things. I think some people tend to forget when they do say things like that and it does hurt very much. So often when I hear others complaining and I think to myself I wish that was my worst problem right now, in fact multiply by 1million and I'd still take it on board as long as my Dad was still around. I just don't know how to "fix" this, but never let anyone minimise your pain and hurt. Maybe in time your friend will come around, if she is having a hard time right now maybe she just doesn't know how to talk to you about it, I'm sure deep down she knows it's not really "as bad" as how things are for you and I hope so much that she will come back to you and be there for you and you will be friends again. I was going to suggest any local grief support groups but just realised you are in the UK ......same way it is for me in Ireland, no regular support groups available like there seems to be in USA which is very frustrating. HUGS & love to you hun, Niamh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2sweetgirls Posted April 12, 2011 Report Share Posted April 12, 2011 hello123, I am so so so sorry for the pain you are experiencing because your friends have turned on you. I wish I could give you some kind of advice that would help you but unfortunately, all I can offer is an ear and similar experieces. I am 40 years old and have lost both of my parents 10 months apart, starting with mom 11-30-09 and then dad 10-4-10. After mom died, my "friend" for over 20 years didn't call me, send a card, or anything personal. She sent me a text message. I thought that was completley unacceptable so I told her. She actually had the nerve to argue with me. So, needless to say and to make a long and ugly story short, she showed me her true colors and we are no longer friends. I was always a person who had a few really good friends and that is all I ever needed. In my head, one really good friend is better than 100 casual acquantances. I learned, when mom died, who I can be "real" with and who I just act real with. It's sad but true. I think that even people who are older just don't know what to say or how to deal with such a great loss. Again, really sad. All we really want is someone to empathise and listen. I am a different situation than you because I am married and have 2 children. My husband has really been there for me. Where others have failed me, he picks up the slack. I can't even imagine this happening and being in University where everyone is worried about their studies, having fun and just being young. We will always be here to listen to you, hello. Though many miles may separate us, please feel my genuine hug. 2sweetgirls Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hello123 Posted April 14, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 14, 2011 Thank you so much for your replies. Niamh thanks so much for your reply and understanding. Yeah I wish there were support groups here! 2sweetgirls thank you and your so right about having few good friends but even the people I thought who were the few true friends aren't really. Im so sorry for your loss as well 40 is still too young to have lost both parents I was speaking to a 65 yr old woman yesterday who still has her parents and her ex hisband who died at 67 his mother is still alive and I was just so shocked and couldn't believe it! thank you guys Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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