Can't Even Function

[Babypod]

Ugh - right now I just feel like I can't even function. I try to do things and my mind forgets what I am doing half way there. I just want do shut the door to my bedroom and sit in there - or even worse - go to my Grandma's house and just sit on her porch. My husband is in Florida and we aren't going to be joining him until the end of June - and we have four children that I have to take care of - but I just can't do it. I can't tell you how many times over these last three weeks that I have just let them watch TV or let them eat Chips for breakfast. I know I have to find a way to function - I just don't know how. I am just yelling at my kids when they are near me.

I am trying just to suck it up and go. I even put on my Grandma's sweater sometimes to feel closer to her. I know she would not want me to ignore the kids like I am doing - children were her life. I just have to find a way to go on. I admit - I just don't want to be in a world without my Grandma in it, I don't even know how to live in a world without Grandma in it. Things happen during the day and catch myself thinking, "I can't wait to tell Grandma. . " or I cook something and my mind says, "I must take some of these leftovers over to Grandma." And - I must add - my Grandma raised me so she was a Grandma, a mom, my best friend, my biggest supporter. . . .

Her death was not an unexpected event. She was 90 and the last couple of years took its tool on her health and quality of life. I am thankful she isn't sitting in her living room chair blind and deaf anymore. I am glad she isn't subject to he abuse of my aunt anymore. It was beautiful to see her put to rest beside my Grandpa - their vaults almost touching - but my mind just can't seem to comprehend the loss of her. She was such an amazing person.

Any suggestions would be welcome.

[BellaRosa]

I feel your pain. Most days I'd like to just stay in bed and ignore everyone, but I force myself to get up and go to work and do "normal" things. Some days are much harder to get through than others.

I don't want to be in a world without my mom, nor do I know how to get through life without her. I just keeping one foot in front of the other because time continues on whether I want it to or not. I know that my mom would not want to be to be depressed and stuck in grief over her. She would want me to be happy and live my life, as I'm sure your grandma wants for you and your family.

My mom's death was not unexpected either, but that doesn't mean it still wasn't a huge shock. Almost six months later and I still catch myself thinking about calling her, or wanting to show her something. Then I remember that she's gone, and the pain hits all over again. It has gotten better and I don't break down as much as I did in the beginning, and the fog is beginning to lift a bit, but it still hurts and it still feels unfair.

I try to focus on the fact that she isn't suffering anymore. Her last year was just awful and the cancer did horrific things to her. Sometimes that isn't good enough because I just want her back here with me, but I wouldn't want her to suffer for another second.

Keep coming here and posting. There are many wonderful people on this site that are more than willing to listen and will be able to relate to what you're feeling and going through.

[2sweetgirls]

Babypod,

I feel your pain coming right out of my computer screen. I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Grandma. If I remember correctly - she passed recently, right? As recently as March or April of this year? It is REALLY REALLY new. I am a little further along and not to say that it's better just different. I can't explain what's different it just is.

I have two kids. When my mom died Nov-09, my heart was literally ripped from my chest never to return the same way again. I found comfort in my children and they helped me be distracted from my grief but, can definitely MORE than understand how you are feeling. Don't get me wrong I did yell and cry at the drop of a pin too. I also have my husband that would stay up at night with me just holding me and cry with me. So, I came to look forward to when he would come home because he knows how to make me smile and just understand when there is nothing you can do or say. It's hard not having your husband to support you right now at home. We, as mothers, are used to giving up ourselves to our children but, you need a little "me" time right now. First of all, I don't think some TV and chips for breakfast is a bad thing - we all do those types of things sometimes. Maybe you can get some time each day alone? Just to ball and get some grief out. A friend? A family member? A church? Do the older kids go to school and the younger ones nap? I wish I could help you.

I can relate to wanting to tell your grandma about things that happen during the day and then realize you can't. After dad died in 10-10 I canceled his home phone just to call the number the next day, fully remembering that I had canceled the day before, just to see what would happen. As I write that, it just seems absolutely CRAZY!!! It just goes to show that losing someone special in your life can turn all your senses upside down.

Please try to hang in there and keep writing.

Sending hugs your way.

Give each and every one of your kids a big BIG hug. They are a blessing. My girls were the only reasons I had for not jumping off of a cliff.

2sweetgirls

[niamh]

Babypod,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Grandma. I don't have children but I know how debilitating grief can be since I lost my Dad.

It's so tough having to wait until end of June before you will be joining your husband, I hope that time comes fast.

I completely get the feeling of you not wanting to be in a world without your Grandma, I too feel like that, the world doesn't seem right anymore to me, I feel out of place, it just all feels so wrong. I too don't know how to live in a world without my Dad and yet I have somehow managed it for the last 16months, really I have no clue how.

The only thing I can suggest is to take things slowly and try not to think ahead if you can. For me that was partly all that kept me going, just focusing on the very moment I was in, knowing I really only had to get through NOW, later will take care of itself. When you have "jobs" to do, take them one at a time, one a day if you like and try to think that this is the only thing you have to do, then you can take your time out for you. So something like if you give your kids breakfast, think of that as being the only thing that needs to be done and then go spend some time in your room like you want. Like 2sweetgirls says you do need "me time", time to sit and attempt to process all of this. Grief in itself is a 24 x 7 job and when you have anything else that has to be done it's overwhelming and frustrating because your mind is alrealy FULLY OCCUIPED, no vacancies available yet at times there has to be.

You are doing a great job, you are still here, still doing the best you can in the face of such a nightmare. Tiny baby steps are all you need, right now life is not the same as before so anything that would have come naturally without thought can now be such a big deal and it's completely "normal".

So take your time outs during the day, it doesn't mean you are ignoring your kids, you do need to focus on your needs now aswell. Do you have any friends who could take your kids even for a little while or come over to watch them somedays and just allow you to be able to have some time alone where you don't have to be right there with them, that someone else can mind them for a bit.

I wish I had the answers Babypod, I wish there were answers. I still have many times where I simply can only take this minute by minute because I don't want to be here another lifetime without my Dad, I'm so weary from it, there's SO much I want to chat to him about. So I just keep telling myself that right now is all I need to get through and block out any thoughts of the future. It can be hard to do, sometimes it happens naturally because things just become too much for me, other times I have to focus on doing it but it brings the tiniest bit of calm to me when I'm not thinking about all the time left without my Dad.

Sending you a big ((hugs)) lots of comfort and peace,

Niamh

[Babypod]

Thank you everyone. I am saddened to know other people feel pain like this - but I am comforted as well to know I am not alone. I feel guilty crying now - my kids just roll their eyes and say, "Do we have to listen to you cry again." It is still fresh - she died April 11th of this year. My husband calls me and says things like, "You now you still have to give the kids time and attention." It is so hard some days - when my older two start arguing and my twin four year olds are - well - twin four year olds who act about two.

As far as being alone - I am afraid to. I was planning on quitting my job in May - but I tried to go to work that Wednesday after she died and after I dropped my kids off at daycare I just lost it in the car. I only went on one home visit and couldn't do any other. I called my boss and quit at that moment. I couldn't go into people's homes and help them anymore. My brain couldn't listen to their problems and give them advice at that point - and still can't. I have had the kids with me ever sense then (I only worked one day a week even before I quit - I cut back when Grandma started getting sick with the hope to help care for her). I can say the only reason I am still here and alive and haven't drank a glass of antifreeze or cut my wrists is because of my babies.

When things get really bad I try to think of how Grandma did it. My Grandfather died in 1969 - leaving her with a 7, 12, and 13 year old to raise on her own. She had no money and no job. She didn't even know how to drive a car and they lived in the middle of no where. She was devastated but she found a way to do it - and then go on and raise me several years later. Sometimes I even feel her saying, "It is OK, I am with your Grandpa and your Aunt Mary now." Once when I was talking to her I even felt some joy because I swear she told me, "See - now I can actually hear you when you talk - so you can tell me everything again."

Trying to function. . .

Thank you everyone. I pray that your pain dissipates as well. I honestly believe Grief has to be one of the most powerful emotions out there.

[loulou]

I'm sorry for your loss.I just want you to know how hard it was for me.My Dad died unexpectedly a little over a year ago.Like your grandma,he raised me,was my best friend.We at least talked on the phone daily,and I would go running to his house each time I had ANYTHING wrong.At the time of his death I had a 2 year old and a 9 year old.It was soo hard to do anything but cry everyday,all day.I would yell at my kids all the time,cry all day long,and I mean cry.Like sitting on the floor sobbing.I had no help,my husband works all day every day.My mom,was busy with her boyfriend and life,my husbands family were not around.It got to the point where my husband and mom were saying things like,"Im worried about the kids with you"...I have no advice for you but I understand how very hard it is,and want you to know that you will settle a bit.Its new and takes a long time.Over a year later,I have a 4 month old on top of the other two,and still I grieve daily,cry daily,and miss him so much it hurts my chest.My kids still see me cry,but I think its ok,because death is a part of life,and so is deep love.I loved him with every cell,and the tears are a testament to that love and loss.I dont know,I'm still lost too.I just have been there with the kid stuff.You are not alone.

[Aquarius7]

I am so sorry about your loss. Do NOT feel bad about crying! Do NOT try to stop yourself from doing it. Even with the kids. They don't understand. People are acting like with time, I should be more and more "getting over it."

I AM SO SICK OF ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!