Handling People

[kayc]

Last night I finally got a call back from one of my sisters; I don't hear from her much. She said something about me having really hit rock bottom, like I haven't been doing very well with this. I'm sure she meant well but how is that supposed to make me feel? This is the hardest thing a person can go through and compared to how I could be, I think I have done tremendously well...that's not to say it isn't hard and it doesn't hurt, but I don't see how she can make that assessment when she hasn't been around, hasn't listened to me pour my heart out, hasn't been here while I faced everything. She's always being the big sister but sometimes she really doesn't know better, and this is one of those instances. Does she think she'd do better if she lost her husband? Well I for one hope she never has to find out how hard it is, because it's not anything anyone should ever assess anyone else on. Everyone's grief is hard and it's real and it's not easy to handle. It's funny, but I don't think she could ever just be proud of me, no matter what. I always feel like she judges and reproves everything I say and do. But we only talk a couple of times a year so I guess I shouldn't let it bother me. But it's particularly hurtful now when I'm trying so hard. She even got on to me about something I said but she has no idea what I've been through . She has no idea what she's talking about. Sometimes I wish she'd just quit trying to know so much and listen. But she doesn't know how to listen. She butts in with her opinions and judgments.

The last night I also got the news that a young man that grew up with my daughter had an accident and died. I need so much to hurry up and get this grief support group going, and I have so much to learn first! I feel totally inadequate, but I see the need and I can't ignore it. It's weird, I wondered what God would have me get in to next, never in my wildest dreams did I think it would be this. It's a good thing we can't see ahead. How can my sister think I could take this any differently than I have? She has no idea...I couldn't have known either. I never knew anything could hurt so much, rip so much out of you all at once. Night after night I cry. I try to make it through the day, somewhat professionally, but at night when I'm home alone, I miss him so bad I feel my heart is breaking, and I know that the pain will never leave. Of course my sister thinks it will down the road, but she's wrong. She doesn't know what she's talking about. You have to learn to live with the pain, but it's always there, at least it is when you have someone that you lose that meant this much to you. That's what everyone who has been through it has told me. The intensity lmay lessen someday, but always, it's there, even when a person remarries. I have so much to deal with yet. I still have our cards and letters to go through, but I may not be ready for a long, long time. I want to put our pictures into an album, but I'm not ready for that yet either. I'm still dealing with changing beneficiaries and retirement accounts, title transfers, and mortgage applications! And when all that is done I want to have a will drawn up. And there is still all that painting waiting for me to find time to get to it. My mom didn't have to work full time when she went through all of this and she still had a child at home with her, so she doesn't understand the time constraints I am under, nor how alone it feels. And of course as long as she has God she's happy. Me, I'm going through it with that too, trying to understand why God seems to be bent on ruining me...my cat, Tigger, disappeared nine days ago so now I've another loss to deal with. Why? He was me and George's cat, the one we raised, he was special to us, why did I have to lose him too? Is everything we had going to disappear? Is there anything to look forward to? I spent all day Saturday completely alone, and it felt it. I went through all of George's music, it took me hours and hours to sort it and put the CD's with the cases and there's about 11 CDs missing, some of them his favorites. It makes me feel like I lost part of him. I am going through them, little by little, listening to them, listening for what message there was in them that made him want to buy them, trying to understand a little more of him. I am unwilling to let him go. And damned anyone who tells me I should! Why should I? It's my business! Why is it when you lose the person you love, everyone seems to think they should tell you how to live, how to handle it? It's my husband, not theirs!

And then there is another thing my sister said that bothered me. She said George didn't take care of me, that I took care of him. She said he only took care of me emotionally. Where does she get off saying that? Ours was a partnership and we were good at different things, and we both did for each other. It's funny, I don't remember her being around to see how it was. I don't recall her ever being here in our home or watching who did what or how well they did it. He tried so hard, and I appreciated everything that he did. He did a lot of things around our place but she wouldn't know because she was never here. And the emotional support he lent me can never be replaced, not by anyone. He loved me so much and so well. He was a wonderful man, he was my husband. Just as her husband is her husband. Why is it that when your closest friend, your husband, your partner in life, dies, people seem to think they have the right to assess them and sum them up for you? Who asked them to? Would they have done that while they were alive? Why do they do it when they're dead?

I'm sorry, I know I'm sounding off but it just got to me. Do other people have someone that says such thoughtless things? I know I should just ignore it and let it go, yet sometimes when you've had a hard day thelast thing you need are these stupid remarks. Why can't people just think of something encouraging to say or nothing at all? I am learning more and more, if people would just listen and care or be there in some tangible way, it would do so much more good that these stupid assessments when they don't know what they're talking about. Oh well. Maybe this is why some of you aren't writing as much...maybe you feel if you can't have something good to say...but we all have our ups and our downs. Guess you know what mine is right now. No more losses, please!

[spela]

KayC, I'm sorry that you're dealing with insensitive remarks. I think that's one of the reasons why I (still) avoid people and rather spend my time alone. One thing that I want to write about after reading that your cat's been missing: Janez's cat disappeared about two weeks after he died, we couldn't find him. One of our friends said maybe he went to Janez ... Interesting thing is that when I wrote about it on another forum, I got an answer from a guy whose brother who died had I think two cats, and they both disappeared after he died ...

I know it's hard to ignore stupid remarks when you're already down, that's why I try to avoid any chance to hear them. But I still do. They just don't understand, probably I wouldn't either. But it hurts. Take care.

[kayc]

Spela,

Thanks...I think normally I can ignore it but this is my sister and that makes it personal to me. I guess I'll keep distance for a while until I can handle it better, I know I am supersensitive right now.

I could understand my cat leaving if it was within a week or two, but it's been two months, you'd have thought he'd have left sooner if he was going to. I'm worried that he's dead, but maybe he just left.