Wish I Knew Then, What I Know Now

[Princesspeanut]

Why couldn't I have realized all the wonderful things about my Dad when he was around? Why did I value the relationship more? My father and I had a good relationship but it could've been better. I could have called more, I could have said I love you more. Losing him without a warning in site has given me a lot guilt. A lot of stress. I feel like now I must love everyone else perfectly because if I lose them and make the same mistakes I made with my father, I will have regrets. I stress out very much about what my Dad thinks of me, now that he is watching over me. Is he disappointed? Is he surprised. I find myself doing little things like swearing or burping and then I feel like my Dad can see me and he is shaking his head and getting mad, like he would if he was here. So I have all this pressure to be perfect because I just dont want to disappoint him. Am I crazy???? Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind, Im so consumed with my Dad or his thoughts and perception of me, I dont know if it is shaping me into a better person or worse. My guilt is making me act out and then I feel more guilt for acting out because I know my Dad is watching and is disappointed.

[Guest Nicholas]

Guilt is such a common "symptom" of grief and bereavement; and I am sure it is just a temporary, if presently painful, phase you are going through. Ultimately it achieves nothing - there are just so many "whys", "what ifs" and "if onlys" and they can change nothing. You did the best you could and I am sure it will feel better in time.

I have already stopped punishing myself with "if only I could have stopped my son drinking", as I did what I could, inadequate or otherwise, and I cannot change anything now.

The guilt will pass, you didn't let anyone down.

Take care

Nicholas

[niamh]

hi princesspeanut,

I'm sorry for the guilt you feel. While I cannot really relate to wishing you had done more with your Dad, I can relate so much to you wondering what he thinks now and is he disappointed. I too wonder so much, I've changed so much since losing my Dad and sometimes I have to do things for me and me alone without worrying about anyone else and I wonder if my Dad thinks i'm selfish now, if I am disappointing him with some of my actions and behaviour. yet at the same time I think he's got to be proud of me, for simply surviving this long without him. Somehow I think all our Dad's are truly proud of each of us, our bonds are so special and we are all here trying to get through every day as best we can.

You're not crazy at all hun, I know, some of the new me, I get mad with, I feel like I'm being a disappointment, but then other parts make me feel proud and I'm pretty sure my Dad too.

You know I often wish my Dad were here even if it was to be mad at me for doing something, wishing he was here even if just to tell me off .........anything at all, just to have him here.

try to be gentle with yourself, grief is such chaos and I think you just gotta hang on tight when that rollercoaster gets bumpy throwing you all over the place.

((hugs)) and peace to you,

Niamh

[hello123]

Hi Princesspeanut I know exactly how you feel I have so many regrets because i NEVER thought this would EVER happen. Somehow the guilt never consumes me though I don't know what I do I just think whats the point I feel bad enough as it is if I think about stuff like that it would be so much worse. I NEVER said "I love you" to my Dad, we never said things like that, we never hugged just like in a jokey way and the last time I saw him he hugged me bye and I just tapped his back but I always think at least we didnt have an argument before he died (not that I remember, I remember being annoyed because he rushed on the phone and couldnt talk to me because someone else had rang) and how much worse it would be if we had had an argument and I was nasty omg the thought of that feels horrible and I always think that has happened to other people and I am lucky it didnt to me

[BellaRosa]

PrincessPeanut, I can SO relate to what you're saying. I have the same thoughts about my mom: why didn't I appreciate her more, why didn't we spend more time together, why did I get annoyed at all the little things, why didn't I hug her more, etc. etc. I see my dad all the time now (both to keep him company and because I'm scared of having regrets should something happen to him too) and as much as I enjoy spending time with him, I beat myself about it because why did it take my mom dying for me to do it?? It's not like my mom and I had a bad relationship, we had a great one, but it could have been BETTER. I know she wanted more and I kept my distance and didn't give her the relationship she really wanted. I feel like such a bad daughter, even though I know that I'm not.

I worry about her looking over me now and seeing me spend so much time with my dad and being jealous or wondering why I didn't do that with both of them before. I know that's crazy. She would be thrilled to know that we're all taking care of each other.

Erin

[Princesspeanut]

Erin,

Your post made me choked up. That is exactly how I feel. My Dad and I, we bickered and a couple of times in the last years of his life went a month or so without speaking because we had a fight. But he meant EVERYTHING to me I just never said it. Or maybe I did but not enough...Im very attached to my Mother now for the same fears.

[BellaRosa]

I keep telling myself (and other people who have kids have told me) that parents always know their children love them, no matter whether it is said or not. My mom and I told each other all the time, and in fact the last words we said to each other when she was fully conscious were just that: I love you.

I know your dad loves you very much and is watching you with pride, just as I know my mom is watching me. It's hard not to slip into guilt sometimes during this process -- I think it probably happens to everyone. All we can do is be the best people we can be and do things to make our loved ones proud of us.

Reading your post made me sigh with relief knowing that someone else is havIng the same thoughts I am. I don't feel nearly as crazy since finding this board.

[Babypod]

PrincessPeanut,

I understand completely. I keep having the, "Why didn't I visit more?" I think back off all the times she called and I couldn't talk. I think back at all the days I could have visited her - but didn't - instead I just farted around here. I think of all the times I went somewhere and I could have taken her with me (she had no car) - but I didn't. I think of all the times I could have just tossed my kids in the car - pj's and all - and went and spent the day with her. I would do anything to be able to turn back the clock and do those things. I would do anything just to get 60 more seconds to hold her hand, smell her hair - and tell her just how much she meant to me and just how much I miss her.. . . I so totally understand.

Angel

[eren]

I have a long list of things that I wish I had said to my mom, things that she wanted to do and we never got around to because I was working long hours. I wish I could have known how sick she was that day and maybe she would still be here. I know hindsight is 20/20 vision but that doesn't make it easier.

[Princesspeanut]

Erin,

Your post made me choked up. That is exactly how I feel. My Dad and I, we bickered and a couple of times in the last years of his life went a month or so without speaking because we had a fight. But he meant EVERYTHING to me I just never said it. Or maybe I did but not enough...Im very attached to my Mother now for the same fears.

My Dad and I, were very similar in personality. We bickered because his health was failing and I was very upset with him for not taking better care of himself. He was only 58...At one point I let him know I needed some space because I was having a hard time dealing with him continuing to drink and let his health go. As with any good dad, he let me know that he understood but still about 2 months went without us talking. I regret it SO much. We finally reconnected and spoke for an hour and had a great conversation 2 weeks to the day - before he passed. I used to stand up for myself, speak my mind, now I keep to myself, hating fighting because all I can think about is all that time wasted and all the silly hurt between us. We had a great relationship but we just butted heads on the issues of his health. I wish I said it more, I wish I showed it more....

[pmcm]

I did what I could, inadequate or otherwise, and I cannot change anything now.

Thank you for this thread. Reading of other's regrets helps me feel less alone. My family and friends do not seem to understand the pain of knowing that there was much left unsaid and undone.

A great truth. As someone who is consumed with guilt after 11 years of caregiving for my mom with Alzheimer's....I may need to repeat the above phrase as a mantra to get me through. So much I did not say and do...so many times I tried, but not hard enough...and finally I was just too tired. I feel like I let go and she died. I miss her so much and would literally do anything to have those 11 years back. Even the saddest moments with her were better than the happiest without her.

pmcm