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My Not So Exciting Events Of The Day

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I have something to do today !

I get to go to one bank to pull out my massive amount of unemployment for the week and then head over to my bank to deposit. The massive amount that cut my nutrition assistance to $16.00 a month and that same massive amount that cuts my medical off in August.

I sure am glad all of my paychecks over all of my life contributed to these..........

Ooops, got sidetracked.........

After that I'll run over to Fry's to pick up the items on my grocery list.

Exciting stuff !!

Maybe when I get back I'll check my search agents for jobs. I have not done that for days, just getting tired of trying I guess.

Cheryl was nice enough to tell me about a meeting last night and I really do appreciate the thought. I am sorry Cheryl, I didn't go. I know there is a HOV group meeting tonight. The mood I am in, I probably won't be going to that either.

I need to get out of the house but I don't want to go anywhere. I never used to be a complicated kind of guy.

I also need to get a new cell phone carrier,my Verizon contract is up on the 6th, finally ! After 10 years with them you think they give me a year free :D. I am leaning this time towards pre-paid this time like Cricket. Picking cell phones is not easy either. Not sure if I want a Zio or the Optimus C. And I only have until Sunday to decide........LOL

Take care

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Brian please don't apologize for not going to a group meeting. I completely understand how you are feeling. I just didn't want you to think that the Tempe group was the only one. When I went to my first group I cried and cursed the whole way! My kids kept saying, "why are we going if you are so mad"? All I could think of was how much my life had been destoyed and I was so mad that I was having to go to a support meeting! I had never seen any type of counselor or therapist before. In fact I don't think I had ever really cried about something important before. A pet that died was about the closest I had come to feeling real pain. The absolute only reason I went was because I was so afraid my kids were going to get screwed up and I was so lost as to what to do for them. Mark was there one morning and dead by the afternoon. We were in such shock and literally couldn't wrap our minds around him being gone.

I have made it a point to stop pushing myself into doing things that can wait. Attending a support group is a hard first step. Take your time please

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I apologized because I didn't want you think I did not appreciate your sending me the group information.

I thought I was getting some what of a handle on this but whatever I thought I had, I lost it.

Not having a job and having to live with my sister does not help. We get along great and I love her for doing it but I hate it. Not where I should be at this stage of my life.

Maybe what Ruth and I went through the last two years was not enough punishment for whatever the hell we did wrong or to someone. Maybe losing Ruth was not enough punishment yet for me either. Maybe I need to just move out into the streets, really try and hit the bottom of whatever is going on.

I think I'll make a drink or three and think that over.

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I am also experiencing this adjusting to a new life as I've started my layoff, only I'm still working one day a week and my boss keeps emailing me with stuff, it makes it hard to look for work with his constant interruptions. I don't think he gets that he's laid me off and I'm not at his beck and call, good grief, he even contacts me after hours! It's ridiculous. He's expecting and presuming too much. I don't want to burn my bridges, but...

I applied for work at three places today. Still haven't received acceptance of my unemployment claim. Bureaucracy being what it is, it makes me nervous. You used to be able to speak with a real person or go into an office...not any more.

I don't qualify for food stamps with unemployment but don't have enough to pay all my bills, they kind of have us between a rock and a hard spot, don't they?

I wish my cell phone and my satelite tv was up so I could cancel them, I need to cut expenses, but I have several months more yet. I need a new internet provider too. Services cost more in the country...that's providing you can even get them.

Don't feel bad, I've been with AT&T about ten years too and they've never given me anything either...nope, they have it all worked out so they make money and we pay it. :)

Good luck getting a new one...my son bought his cell phone and has a pay as you go plan with Verizon service, it costs less than I'm paying through AT&T and he doesn't have to pay taxes either.

You'll go to group when you feel like it. I just took my dog to the park to get out of here. A person can go stir crazy staying home all the time. At least you live with someone, thank God for your sister!

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Is your "old boss" paying for your time on the emails? He laid you off, he is a big boy, he can figure things out himself or hire you back.

Short or long, I don't know which is worse Kay.

You know what, they both suck.

All I know is the look in Ruth's eyes, was she looking to me for help or were they just fixed, that is one thing I will never, never know. I really wish that she had no idea what was going on. Her mouth could not open, there was no real facial expression and she could only use her left arm to try and pull herself up as I tried to get her to lie back down, she never opened her eyes or was awake after that and in 18 hours she was gone.

The daymares I mentioned I was having before have stopped but finding her like that, those images will never leave. When I am reminded by something or think about it, they return as the clearest and sharpest memories I have ever had in my life.

I changed my picture to the 3 most important things to her and she did a great job with them. Tom (23), Becky (19), Matt (20). This picture is one of many they did themselves and gave them to us for Christmas last year. Ruth was robbed of seeing them get married and holding her future grandchildren.

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I can understand you not wanting to go or not having the strength to go. I did not want to go either, but I did and believe me those meetings do help, may not at first. The first meeting I went to I did not get to much out of it. I tried to hide my emotions. The next meeting I did not hide my emotions and let them out. I cried many tears along with all the other people there. It is like this place everyone GETS it, they understand what you are going through. I try to make 3 meeting a month. They do help and the hospice councilor is there to help you with what is affecting you and gives you suggestions on things you might try to help you with what you are going through at that moment. One felling I have never felt from the passing of Pauline is anger. I could never get angry with Pauline or the MS that took her away from me. I have a long, long way to go before I cannot stop going to the hospice meetings. I have cried many tears for Pauline and will cry many more. I find that both the meetings and this forum helps a little each time. It is and will be hard to open up in the group meetings, but now I find myself more engaged with the other people there, so give them a chance.

God Bless


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