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A Promise Made To Pauline


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I am very upset right now. Ever sense Pauline Passed Away every time I talk with my mom she keeps telling to move back to Colorado.

I made Pauline a promise a couple years ago. As all of you know she donated her body to science, we both did. I promised her that I will stay in our apartment and when I get her ashes back, she wanted me to put some in the island of trees and vines in our back yard where our first little dog Cassie is buried and her 2 Helping Hand monkeys are buried also. I told her I would and even told the landlord about. They all ready knew, because I asked them before we buried them out there they thought it was a perfect spot for them.

Well tonight I called my mom & dad they are in TX. for my oldest brother's sons wedding. Well she proceded to tell me to sell everything and bring me and my clothes to Colorado. I told her no I made Pauline a promise and I intend to keep it. Then she tells me Pauline had no right to ask me to do that. I let her have it. It is none of her business what promise I made with Pauline. She was my wife, my life, my love I can never replace what we had and shared together. I told her she better not ever ask me again to move back.

Right now I want to get my health in order and start my classes. That means more to me to become a nurse. If you read in my ER thread you will see I went out and helped my friend Greg. When I got there he was trying to make coffee. I could see he was having trouble and he just broke down. I made the coffee and we hugged and cried and he said he is a burden to his wife Donna. That she has to work so much. I told him Donna could not wait to introduce him to Pauline. Donna said she found her Dwayne. I took him out on the deck. We talked for over an hour and he was getting tired. I helped back in and back into his bed. I made sure he was alright and would have, everything he would need until Donna would get home.

I don't know if any things like this has happened to any of you. I would like to know.

Sorry about going on and on but that is how I feel right now, and I needed an outlet. There is no better place than here

God Bless all of us

Dwayne

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Dwayne,

I am sorry your mom upset you, she was out of line to say Pauline had no right to ask you that, that is between you and your wife and your mom doesn't have any idea what this is like. I'm sure she means well and wants you to be with them so she can be there for you but you have other considerations and it is YOUR decision, not hers. I went through something similar when my husband passed away, my sister Polly kept telling me what to do, "I should sell my house and move to Portland", etc., etc. George and I are nature/country people, not big city people, and she was trying to impose HER views and preferences on ME. I tried to tell her how much this place meant to me to no avail. Finally I told her, "Tell you what, Polly, when YOUR husband dies, I'll tell YOU what to do." She didn't talk to me for quite a while but at least she was off my back and we still love and care for each other...I just don't do real well with people who try to control me. I believe people have to recognize and respect each other's differences.

At any rate, you made a promise to Pauline and want to keep it. If you ever have to move someday, that will be then, but at least you will have honored your promise to her first. If your mom is controlling it might not work to be in such close proximity with her anyway, but there's always visits. If she wants to be near you so bad, let HER do the moving!

I think it's great that you want to be a nurse and I think you'd make a great one. It's not all the medical part, a big part of it is the caring part. And it's a wonderful way to turn all of this into something good, which is an important part of what we learn in our grief journey.

Try not to let others concern you by what they say, but hold fast to what you know to be true within yourself, being true to yourself is the most important thing of all. I hope you sleep well tonight and feel better in the morning.

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Hi Dwayne,

I am so sorry you have to deal with your parents interests at a time like this. I am glad you told them not to bring it up again. It feels like their need is more important to them than yours. It is your choice to stay wherever you want, of course. No one in my family has done anything like this but my family is the least supportive of people for me and that sort of surprised me. They just do not know what to do with me but that is not new. So I have a hint of what it is like to have to deal with family stuff when your grief is your main concern. I am sorry this is happening but hopefully you have put an end to it. That does not heal the gap between you and your parents, however.

Your concerns now are your own grief, your health, your education and your friend, Greg. I would say your plate is very very full and overflowing. I think I have learned not to attempt to try to make people understand. I can sense when it is futile and it surely feels like it is futile for you to put any more energy into this. how great it would be if our families, of all people, could support us even if they disagree. It is selfish on their part, for sure.

I am so impressed with all you are doing and hope you can focus on all of that. Mary

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Hi Mary, I was so up set that I could not sleep all night. It was after 4:30 AM before I got to sleep. I awoke at 10:30 AM. this really has me upset. I called my grief counselor, but only got her voice mail. I love my parents I would hate to think that on there drive home something would happen to them. I think I would go in sane because I really do not think I got through to her. She is stubborn, I guess that is where I get that from. I am just really confused right now. I need someone to talk to about this.

Kay thank you for your words of encouragement. No they would never leave Colorado. That is fine though. I did want to visit. I had big plans the first 2 weeks after Pauline passed. I had to plan and have the memorial, take care of things that needed taken care of after her Death. I tought in May I would be able to drive out and see everyone. God had other plans for me I got real sick 2 weeks after she passed. Then I had the accident. I went through a lot of money and still with health problems. So my plans God did not like. I think he was telling me to slow down and take care of me first. That is what I have to do now. I need my health to get ready for my classes. That is inportant to me.

Thank You

Dwayne

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Dwayne,

Mary is right, your number one priority has to be your own health and your grief right now,you have your plate full. Maybe you could send your mom a note and tell her how much she means to you but reiterate that moving is not going to solve anything and right now you are where your life is, you have your aspirations to be a nurse and can't think of anything else while you are still sick. She may be stubborn but she needs to back off, this isn't good for you. Please try to detach yourself from worrying about her, you just can't, you have enough right now, it's all you can handle.

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Stick to your promise! Did Pauline want you to stay @ the apt permanently or do you have the option of taking some of her ashes and moving into a permanent place once you fulfill your desire to become a nurse? I only ask because later in life she may have wanted the best for you and she would still be part of any decision you make. Believe me ......I will be staying in our home we bought together and fixed up until I have to move. Which hopefully I can stay but I don't know what the future holds. I do know I will always have him with me. I also have his ashes.

I'm writing so early in the morning because I could not sleep. Even after a full busy day. I hope your friend is on his way to recovery. Let him know he is no burden to his wife. When you love someone that much you don't think of helping as a chore. It is a caring and normal way of getting through a tough time. I loved helping my husband. I did sometimes forget just how sick he was because he tried so hard to be normal as far as everyday things. Hope you have plans to go see fireworks or to a cookout. It will help you get through the weekend faster. That's what I'm doing because when I sit for more than 30 min doing nothing and trying to relax I start feeling sad and lonely. I wish time didn't feel like it was standing still. The disbelief hasn't gone away.

In time your mom will hopefully understand your decisions and be proud of your strength and ability. If not, You have yourself and Pauline and friends who will be proud and they are your family too! Write you again soon. Take care and trust in yourself....that goes for anyone reading this who is feeling down!

Patty

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Patty,

After I fulfill Pauline's promise, I guess it will be about the job part and if I am ready for a step like that. I love this place. We have lived here 21 years. I put a lot of money and time, things the landlord would never have done. I didn't care I wanted Pauline happy. In a lot of ways it became a prison for her, because the last 4 years she could not get out much. We use to go out all the time but the MS took that from her. So why not make it the best way she felt good in. Believe me, I have changed this place many times. After Pauline started on hospice it was icy on the walk when they brought her home. I put salt down so they could come in safely. On Sunday I have to go outside to get into the basement. Saturday the landlord was clearing ice from the walk. They never touched the slab in front of the bulk head. I slip taking the laundry down. Hit my head on top of the door jam an got a cut. I was ok. I called the landlady. it took 3 days to call back. She started in on me about the salt and why I did not use it there. I told her, her husband was there on Saturday and done nothing about it. She threatened to lock me out. I explained Pauline was on hospice and I did not know how long she had. The next day the ice was cleared, and that lady did a 180. Even now she has told me if I need a ride to call her. Some people have there eyes closed to the people around them. She has opened them now. That was a good thing. She called and came to Pauline's memorial. I guess people can change.

Thank you

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