Two Different Worlds

[Cheryl]

I have been a mess for the last hour. I got a call from a fiend who after 19 years with a guy just found out that he emptied her checking account and left town. This friend has always had a hard life and things have gone from bad to terrible lately. Of course there is a long sad story of emotional abuse that has gone on for years, but the bottom line is that she deserved to be treated better. I helped her come up with a game plan to get her back on her feet and listened to the tears. This relationship is over and she is devastated. I've been an emotional mess since we hung up. I keep thinking how blessed I was to have had such a great guy. My guy would have given the shirt off his back to a total stranger and yet her guy took everything she had with out even feeling bad. I feel overwhelmingly grateful and yet I also feel like I'm having an anxiety attack. I've been sobbing and pacing the house. I can't figure out why this is effecting me so much. My soulmate would have thrown himself in front of a moving train for me and I can't get over how different the last 19 years have been for my friend. Both of us are starting over and on our own, but I can't imagine what it feels like to be treated so horrbily. She said, "you can probably undestand how I feel?" but you know I really couldn't. I am just sitting here feeling like I lost my guy all over again. How could he leave me? Yet I know it wasn't his choice. I'm just overwhelmed with grief and sadness again. Cheryl

[Susie Q]

Dear Cheryl

I'm sorry that you are in such pain. Maybe you are back feeling the incredible raw hurt that huge losses bring to us - empathy for her pain and vivid recollection of yours.

I never 'forget' how bad I feel but somedays now it is more muted and not so very in my face and then out of nowhere it's back and almost uncontrollable in it's severity. It was triggered for me just yesterday by a friend reminding me that in our house Sunday night dinner was always home made soup and toasted sandwiches that he made for us to eat in front of the TV. My friend had joined us for so many of these laughter filled nights and she was remembering how good it was. I laughed with her but then went home and have been so very sad and crying since - happy memories can also be a burden.

You are probably also feeling the injustice of your wonderful man gone and such a rotten sod still around to cause upset and mayhem in the life of someone you care about. It's not logical, I know, but that doesn't stop the anger when you make these comparisons.

I hope you'll be able to find some comfort soon from knowing how much loved you were - and some inner strength to be there for your friend through this trying time. My best wishes to you both...Susie Q

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Cheryl,

I could never understand how a man or even a woman could take advantage of someone they clam to love. My heart goes out to your friend, and the pain you both feel now. I loved Pauline more than my own life. Like your husband there was nothing I would not have done for her. The loss of love like that takes time to heal. I think we will never look at the world the same way again. God always has a plan for us for the rest of our journey through this life. I know I will be with Pauline again. I pray for you that your pain will ease and comfort your broken heart, and calm your soul. I to have cried many tears these last 2 days.

God catches our tears from our broken heart in golden vile's, and stores them in heaven for you. I must have barrel full by now. I still have many more tears to come.

Susie,

I feel your pain also. It seems like it has been a lot longer for you and your loss, than for me and mine. I understand when you have that true love it will take a long time to get through the grief. I can only pray that you find some peace in life and able to keep moving forward like our love ones want us to do. You will see them again.

God Bless both of you,

Dwayne

[mfh]

Hi Cheryl,

I am so sorry you are in such pain today. I believe when we open up our hearts to one feeling they all come up. It is like they are all just behind a thin membrane right now and when we fill pain, as you do for your friend and her loss of her partner, it surely tears that membrane off your own feelings. It does not take much when we are so vulnerable. My friend just left. She was helping me with something in my publication and wanted to show me her vacation pictures before she left. As I looked at them all I could see were shots of places Bill and I had been together and these pictures were taken where we had never been. I just remembered all our trips. We are all raw. Time for a cup of calming tea and perhaps a list of happy memories or perhaps time to distract yourself. I go back and forth as I am sure we all do. Peace to your heart, Mary

[pbjb]

I know when I hear of someone in the family or friend down on thier luck or having a hard time with their spouse/loved one I first feel grateful I had such a loving life with Jeff But then I become overwhelmed knowing I may not ever feel like this again. So I've been on a crying streak for weeks now. I can't seem to shake it. I want so bad for this misery to go away. I'm trying to figure out how to go on and feel this spirituality but can't seem to grasp it. I know it is there but it keeps coming and going. My doctor says crying is a way of cleansing your soul. So maybe I'll wake up tomorrow feeling a bit better. And I hope you do the same. I think all of us on here could probably form an ocean, maybe an ocean to a new way of happiness. I pray we all find it.

[melina]

Cheryl,

It's probably just another reminder of your husband. Somehow I find myself thinking of my husband in every imaginable situation. Maybe you do too. This would definitely bring up memories. Fortunately you have good ones with a good man. Sorry to hear about your friend, though. Hope things turn out better for her.

Melina

[Cheryl]

Thank you for all of the replies. I managed to distract myself with grocery shopping and washing Mark's bird pooped covered truck. I've given it a lot of thought and I realize that hearing my friends problems reinforced that what I once had is over. I have not gotten to the point where I happily reflect on how wonderful we had it. I am still grieving and mourning the unhappy ending. It is what it is. I have read a lot about the grief process and I am reassured that some day I will be able to sit and smile and be happy with what once was. But until that day arrives I will bravely confront the pain that seems to crush my spirit. Grief waves are not as constant as they were a year ago and for that I am grateful. I usually get days of progress rather tham hours. I appreciate the support! Cheryl

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Cheryl,

You give me strength and hope as I grieve my deep loss. No loss of our loved ones is easy. It is meant to be the hardest thing we have ever done in our life. I try everyday to find something positive in, and thankful for my 2 friends. I think after this week I will be have new friends from my church. I need that so much. Pauline's family do not call and my family out west is not calling back either. I just do not understand why.

I wish you all the best life has to give.

God Bless you, may he give you comfort and ease your pain, heal your soul and broken heart.

Dwayne

[Cheryl]

HI Dwayne,

Thanks for all you do. People in general hate to see pain and feel helpless when they know they can not fix it. If they have not been apart of your wifes long illness they are further unprepared to start over with you. I found that much of the inital support I had drifted away. The best advice I have is to embrace the friendships that have stuck by you and reach out to anyone who may need a new friend. Once your health returns you will be able to explore new opportunities. I found that going to church at least got me out of my home and I didn't have to talk to anyone if I didn't feel like it. I would listen to the uplifting music and always was encouraged by the pastors words. The lonliness of solitude can be very depressing. Just remember that it is okay to do only what you feel capable of doing and in time, with hard work, life without our mate gradually gets easier. I pray that your recovery is swift! Cheryl

[kayc]

Cheryl,

I'm so glad you're able to be there for your friend, she needs you right now. Just let her cry and tell you her feelings. Try to refrain from telling her what a louse he is...she knows it but she's going through an adjustment right now and she'll be feeling love, hate, confusion, liberation, and everything inbetween. I've lost a wonderful husband to death and a louse who left and stuck me too. There's a few similarities (your heart hurts and you're on your own now) but it ends there...everything else is different. George never would have left me, I was everything to him and he'd have given the shirt off his back to a stranger. John dumped me for a younger woman and never looked back or cared what devastation he left me in. It makes you wonder why God takes the good ones instead of the bad ones. And where is Karma, anyway?! Like I said, I'm so glad your friend has you. When I was getting over John, I had ups and downs, understandably, but people would chew me out for loving him, like it stops immediately just cuz they deserve it, it doesn't work that way, it really does take some time. But gradually you get over them and finally you reach the point where you're glad they're out of your life. You're right, she deserves better, and better is sometimes just being alone and having a peaceful home...I pray she can begin to see the good in being alone, even though she'll feel up and down for a while.