Today, It's Been 18 Months Or 1 Year And A Half.

[Suzanne R.]

I just needed to share, maybe vent a little, since 1/22/10 when my husband passed, I have, like everyone else, been on the emotional roller coaster that will never stop for me. Some tell me I've gotten better. But, I wonder, better than what. I wouldn't want anyone to think, especially those who are new to this, that my path is what yours will be, because as most know, everyone's path is on their own timetable. I'm just speaking for myself, that I still feel, think, and believe the same things that I have written or talked about from day one, which is by far my worst day imaginable. I was able to visit the cemetery today. I'd like to go every Friday because that's the day he passed. But, I must take 2 buses and walk a half a mile to get there. After my visit, then I walk 3/4 of a mile to get the bus back to 'our' apartment. I'm not exaggerating that I think it was 100 degrees, but I'm so glad I was able to go especially today, the 22nd of July. Sometimes it doesn't work out, like. when I wake up, my vertigo will start, or anxiety will kick in, or I'll be exhausted from little sleep or I'll wake up too late or there is something I have to do that won't keep, or it's raining or snowing (in winter). I couldn't help thinking while I was there and silently praying and weeping that this is the kind of day we would be at the beach with his sister, putting lotion on each other's backs, instead of me sitting on a towel on the grass where he's buried. I honestly just want to be in my rightful place lieing beside him. I know others may say all the things that they believe are the right ways to think and do, however this is what I would want because I don't want to live without him, I am just not a happy camper, so until God lets me know what His will is, I await His Word and lets me know what He wants me to do. But if some people want to buy a car or a house or take a trip and they take it, it's no different than what I wish. The only thing is that I understand it's up to God. I'm just saying this is how I feel. Some of us want to heal, but I don't, some just want to stop feeling like this. If I could live the rest of my life feeling miserable and grieving like this, but he was alive and here with me, I would do it in a heartbeat. In a year and a half I don't miss him any less. I'm alive and breathing but I hate life without him and that's the truth. Not self-pity, just grieving.

God bless,

Suzanne

[Guest Nicholas]

Suzanne,

You are not alone, I bet most of the posters on here hate life at the moment, but everything is impermanent and who knows, those feelings might change. I hope they do.

Take care

Nicholas

[Dimcl]

Suzanne, it's only been 8 1/2 months for me, but I feel the same as you describe. I'm only 57 years old and I don't feel like I have any future. I see no reason to go on living except that Glenn would have wanted me to. I guess that's really my only reason for going on, for continuing to look after the house and the yard, for trying to stay active - because that's what my darling husband would have wanted. So, I do it, but not because I want to.

I'm so sorry that you're feeling so badly after a year and a half. Your comment that you don't want to heal saddens me because although we don't want to "get over" our loved ones, the only way to have any kind of life at all is to heal in some form. Suzanne, would your husband want you to feel this way? Would he want you to be so unhappy and pining for a life that isn't possible? These are things that I keep asking myself and because my darling Glenn loved me so much, I know what the answers are.

Forgive me if I sound trite. It's just that I've been going through a particularly bad patch myself, lately, and I've been trying to talk myself into a better place using these rationales. Some days they work, some days they don't.

I truly, truly hope that you somehow begin to feel better, Suzanne. Please don't resign yourself to going through each day just to grieve. Hugs.

Di

I don’t want your laugh or your footsteps to waver;

I don’t want my legacy of happiness to die;

don’t call to my breast: I’m not there.

Live in my absence as in a house.

Absence is such a transparent house

that even being dead I will see you there,

and if you suffer, Love, I’ll die a second time

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Suzanne,

Monday is 5 month anniversary of the love of my life Pauline. I find help where ever and when ever I can. I try to get to a hospice meeting once a week. I have been put on medication to help with the sleep and to calm me down. My hands and body shook like a leaf in the wind. I am on an anti depressant now and that has really help. I feel much stronger now and my mind is in a better place. I knew for years Pauline would pass away before me. Even though I knew it is still hard . I went back to our church we use to attend. I get help there also. Pauline and I are like one person, on soul, one spirit. I miss her every day. If not for the steps I have taken I would be miserable. Pauline did not want that for me. So for her I have made a plan to become a nurse, so I can help as many people as I can.

Everyone goes through GRIEF different and at their own pace. God is with you now and will never let you down. Like the foot prints in the sand you can only see one set. That is because he is carrying you now until he puts forth his plan he has already laid out for you. Just like he has done for me. So will he do for you. Stay strong, never give up or give in.

God Bless you, may he comfort your broken heart and heal you soul and spirit. Let him lift you on high.

Dwayne

[Suzanne R.]

Dear Nicholas,

A part of me doesn't want anything to change, even my emotional pain and grief because that would only mean that I would be at the point in my life that he truly would only be a memory. My heart aches because I've said from that day that he died that I never want him to be a memory so for a year and a half I've also grieved for my future days when he will be a distant memory. That is my second worst fear, the first was that he will not make it. I weep now for the day that his memory makes me smile. However, I do really thank you for your reply and help and your concern.

God bless,

Suzanne

Di,

I am also 57 and I know there is no future for me and I say this with the same conviction that my eyes are blue. I thank you for your kind thoughts and attempt to comfort me and I am so sorry if I make you or anyone sad when I say this that I know I won't have any kind of life from this day on. I honestly believe this to be my absolute truth, my intention is only to state facts, not to project into my future. I just know in my heart that when he died, so did my spirit (for living). It's true there are as many ways of grief as there are people in the world, and we each have our own pathway. I don't want to feel this pain, I don't want to grieve, or to be negative or unhappy or depressed or hopeless. That's just how it is with me. It's a fact and as I mentioned to Nicholas, the day I remember him with a smile is the day I weep for now. I don't want him to be a memory. I believe I don't have the capacity to have joy or be happy because he is no longer here. I have heard more times than I can count 'what do you think that he would want' and I am just being as truthful as I can and please don't misunderstand as I have been saying this for an entire year and a half to others that I would prefer to not let him control me in the afterlife. This is where I would hope that whoever I tell this to will have a little chuckle over my comment. But I really mean it, that I wouldn't want him to control me in life, why would I start now that he's gone. I am so grateful that he doesn't have to go through this, so now I am trying to control what I can. That means if I feel pain and sorrow for the rest of my life, I would be in control of my behaviors and actions. I couldn't control him staying alive. But, I really do know you don't mean it in the same way. You seem very compassionate and loving and a caring person. Since we are all different I hope and pray that you stay positive and live the way your husband would want you to, because of the love you and he had for one another. Danny was everything to me also and his sister told me I was everything to him, so I understand what you are saying. I just figure if I have to live alone, without him, I accept the sadness and lonliness I feel. I don't like it but I have to accept it. I will keep you in my prayers. Take care.

God bless,

Suzanne

Dear Dwayne,

It is just my opinion that you are in the place you are in because your grief already started before Pauline passed away. That happened with me when my mother died because in the last 5 years of her life she had Alzheimer's and dementia so she didn't remember me. I lived with the memory of her face not knowing me so it had the effect on me as if I was grieving for her loss and I didn't realize until after the death of my husband. It still is very hard for you, as you said. You have a remarkable positive attitude and a wonderful goal and I do believe you will accomplish what you have set your mind on doing. With the sad experience you had, you will most likely be very skillfull in understanding those you will take care of in your line of work. It seems you and the others who replied to my post are very considerate and compassionate and I want to thank you for your kindness and words of comfort. I do happen to believe all that you said, I know God is with me and will never leave me. It's just that I can't change what I feel and what I think. Also, I truly believe my joy and happiness awaits me in the next life. I don't know how I could be happy in this lifetime, not without my husband, Danny. But, you have provided words of encouragement and hope and I am grateful for that. Take care.

God bless,

Suzanne

[Susie Q]

Hi Suzanne

I'm about the same age and understand how you feel. I lost my husband in four days from fit and healthy to being on life support.

I guess now that it's been nearly two years without him I am slowly coming to realise and accept he's gone. Never far away and never, ever forgotten but certainly not here with me. I also accept that the happiness and contentment I felt from having such a long and loving relationship is over. I miss that so very much - just talking with him and laughing about anything and everything, feeling safe and enjoying whatever the day might bring to share.

I am trying to regain a life of sorts, because I need to feel that the time I have left here is worth something. I have moved from just breathing, to tolerating the day and now have set one or two goals that I hope will give me something positive to focus on. I never expect to be truly happy again in the same sense but I want to feel OK.

I can smile when I think of him (a million times every 24hrs)and I often cry at the same time. For me, the smiling times bring me a feeling of deep love and gratitude for all he was in my life. I'm a long way from the wise and knowing old lady that sees these things through the eyes of experience as the natural ebb and flow of life. I still rant and rave at the injustice of his loss and the pain - but remembering him softly will never mean I have moved away from him.

Each of us, in our own time, will get where we are meant to be....Susie Q

[Suzanne R.]

Hi Susie Q,

I know how I must sound to everyone here, but I also know that you all know that I'm only as crazed as I am grieving. Did I mention that I seem to myself to be an adult going through a temper tantrum? Well, you and everyone here are all going at your own pace and judging from all your replies I am so glad and I hope it's true that nothing I said hurt anyone. I think even though we are all going through similar pain we are each going through our own personal nightmare. It is such a relief to know that everyone here is so understanding and caring of all our fellow sufferers. In a certain sense I feel I am totally alone, but intellectually I know I am not. You have such a tranquil mindset, Susie and if it were at all possible by the grace of God I could only look at things the way you and everyone here does. Thank you all for reading my dark moments from deep within. It's good to have a place to come and share and feel the love and support from you all. You are right, Susie we will all get to where we are meant to be. As you know some days are worse than others. May you have peace.

God bless,

Suzanne

[mfh]

Dear Suzanne,

Oh, how I share so many of your feelings...many of us do. Life without the love of our lives is so empty. I look to a day when I feel like I want to go on. I count on that arriving some day. I am 16 months out since Bill died and the pain is no less than it was the day he died. I understand your feelings and your pain. You speak for many of us and yet I know many of us hope for better days. I hope for one for you also and for me and all of us. Peace, Mary

[marcplum]

Hi Suzanne, Vent all you want, we need to be able to do that. Nothing you say can offend anyone here, we all share your thoughts. It is fascinating that each of us are so uniquely in a place of such despair, and yet we are all bonded by the same emotions. I too share your position that I don't want to feel better, it just is not where I want to be. That statement, taken by itself, would seem absurd to the world that has yet to be impacted by what we have. I think perhaps that this anguish is a validation of the depth of love and committment to the one we loved. I know that I don't have answers, just know that I can fully appreciate everything you posted. Marc

[Suzanne R.]

Dear Mary and Marc,

Thank you both for your replies. I find that I can breathe again when I feel the understanding here as you have shown me by your comments. Thanks so much.

God bless,

Suzanne

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Suzanne,

I thought I was ready when Pauline passed away, I wasn't. The first 2 week. I was doing things I needed to get done. A lot of paper work. She donated her body to science. I was Planning a memorial, making a DVD of her life. I scanned in over 250 pictures in the computer, moved them into Photo shop elements to crop and fix the photos. I then had to add them into windows movie maker, with 9 of Pauline's favorite songs. I went to a job fair at a hospital. I had the experience but no certification. Then I got so sick for 2 week. I rear ended a car. Done $2600.00 damage to my van. The other car had no damage, my bumper went under his. It was 2 kids and the passenger was the couple who live down stairs son. At that point I knew I needed help. I got on the blue cross through unemployment and to the Doctors I went. It has only been the last 3 weeks I have been doing good. My friend next door took me to pick up my van because they had to replace the hood. A used hood was put on after the accident and the paint started bubbling up already, So they had to put a new on. As we were driving she told me she could see a difference in me along with her husband Jim in the last 2 weeks. I could talk about Pauline and not break out in tears. It is the anti depressant, a low dose, keeping me on an even Kiel. I miss her so much, but at the same time she wanted me to have a life to live again. It takes time, and set small goals, at first. God has a plan for you and when you are ready he will let you know the right path to be on.

God Bless, may he bring you comfort to your broken heart and soul

Dwayne

[Suzanne R.]

Dwayne,

Thank you for giving me some insight into what you have been going through. Sorry it hasn't been that easy for you. But I know as you have helped me, I pray that you receive God's blessings and peace as well. Take care.

God bless,

Suzanne