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Still Shocking


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I am up late tonight, as usual. Sometimes, like tonight, I am working on my publication as I go to press tomorrow. Other times I just can't sleep. Tonight I looked at the wallpaper on my laptop where I keep several pictures of Bill and me and this, now familiar, shudder occurred along with my breath catching and a knot forming in my solar plexus. That happens frequently as I realize once again, that Bill is gone. It is still shocking to me...still unbelievable even though I am very clear that he IS gone. I scratch my head in disbelief.

When this happens, I see a movie play in my mind of various moments in our life together...and even wonder if it ever happened...it all seems surreal and seems to have gone by so quickly...36 years...and I wonder sometimes if it was even real...even though I absolutely know it was. It is going on 19 months since Bill crossed death's threshold, since I felt his last heart beat and heard his last very quiet breath as he lay in my arms. Tears flow at least once a day, many times more often, when a memory or thought enters my mind or when I get ambushed...like seeing an Allegro Bay RV...the brand we traveled in full time for two years or when the train (4 blocks away) goes through town blowing its whistle at each of five intersections. How he loved the sound! Or an antique car drives past...how he loved old old cars...he would buy beaters and make them look like new but with original authentic parts. Or when I return to a silent house.

I painted a picture today of a very small sail boat with one person in it against a huge gigantic dark stormy sea....I guess that pretty much says it all.

Going to bed.


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My heart cries for you and my arms hug you here in our cyper support. Your loss is real and your life with Bill was real but I do relate to your feelings and thoughts. There are times I wonder if Randy even existed and yet I know we had a great life together. It seems so long ago and yet so vivid in my memories. Will we ever feel happy again? Will we ever be able to ease the pain? We we ever be able to come to terms with the fact that our beloved spouse is not longer here and we are alone? Are we wanting to hold on to the pain so we can not forgot them? I have asked myself these questions daily. Hoping and praying it gets better but knowing that this grief journey is necessary.

Hugs to you


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Hi Becky,

Thanks for your reply. I really appreciate your empathy....we are in the same boat and it is not a smooth sailing sea for sure. I have seen that question often (are we holding on to pain so we do not forget them). For me, the answer is clearly no. This just plain hurts and I think it always will hurt....clearly not the same way it did the first six months or now-but the loss will always be a source of pain for me...I think there are people who hold onto pain so as not to forget or for other reasons but I think they are rare. What healthy person wants to hold on to pain given a choice? Not you and not me for sure...this is a huge gigantic loss, our spouses are/were a part of us....and it will hurt and hurt. Your responses are always filled with compassion and that tells me you are a compassionate feeling person. I think we "feeling people" are more sensitive to pain or at least more aware of it when it takes up residence in our broken hearts. I am trying to honor and embrace whatever feelings I have and let them teach me whatever they have to teach me. We shall get through this tunnel and come out of it stronger people who still hurt from our loss...me thinks. I thank you sharing of yourself and agree this grief journey is necessary and we are right where we belong as difficult as that is.



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Dear Mary,

I know how you feel. We both had what others look a lifetime for and never find. That one person, that we connected with so deeply, in mind body, soul, and spirit. As you write. I myself do not know where all the years have gone. It seems like yesterday that I just met Pauline, but in years it has been a life time of very good memories. Even as the MS came and took her ever so slowly, we would not have changed a thing. Your talent, in writing and painting, Pauline done very nice color pencil art work. Me I do not have those talents, mine is helping others, and I can sing. I sang with the church choir for the first time yesterday, and the conductor gave us a thumbs up. Really we only had 3 tenors, the fourth, can sing but not very loud, so me and the other 2 carried the tenor part, and it sounded GREAT!!! I love it, I cannot wait until we sing again in 3 weeks. Maybe next year at this time I will be singing with the band and the regulars that sing every service, for 3 songs. One of the leader likes my voice and wants to teach me the tenor parts. I have to get my voice developed better before I can do that.

Mary I wish I could take the pain from your heart, and replace it with peace, and comfort.

God Bless


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