ksbeachbum

Dear Melina: I have not posted here for a long time but I continue to read. Your post could have been written by me. I can not rid myself of the guilt and when I talk about my spouse, I can't get through it without tearing up. No wailing anymore but just sadness. So much guilt for the same reasons you have posted. I was not the most loving person at times... and bless him he was so giving . Looking back on your lives together I can see that now.... 90 percent him and 10 percent me. I had a nine year old from a previous marriage and I don't think I really ever let him be a parent to my son. He was always MY son, but he loved him as his own. My son is now 26 and he couldn't have loved his stepfather any more and misses him as much as I do. But I carry a lot of guilt and also can't seem to move forward as fast as some others. I will be starting my second grief support group on Wednesday. I feel like a support group junkie but feel like I still need something. It has been 16 months for me. I am coming to terms that it may never change for me, always missing him and feeling that I wasn't all I could be for him. Blessings Becky

Ladies: I also can relate to the lonliness. I wish I felt solitude but that is not it. I have lost my mother, father, brother and husband and I just feel sad and lonely. A feeling that I do not belong to anyone or anything. A disconnect from people and life. It doesn't really matter if I am with people or not, it is an internal feeling of lonliness and isolation. Talking about it always gets me in tears, yet I do not know what to do about it. It certainly does feel like being on a little raft in the middle of a huge ocean. I am going to talk to my new doctor about this next week. I am functioning okay just this internal feeling of being very alone. Becky

Happy Belated Birthday Dave. I'm so sorry I missed it but I am not on this site every day. You have come such a long way in a year and you should be proud of your progress as it is not an easy journey. You are an inspiration to me knowing that I can have a future with happiness. Yes... I do believe this but I'm just a slow learner and with many steps backwards at times. I know Mike is there cheering you on. Enjoy your new life with quiet peaceful memories of the past one. Blessings Becky

Kay.... thanks... it does help to know I am not alone in this horrific journey that has no end.

Thanks Mary, your kindness helps so much. I live in a small community but I know I need to do some volunteering or something. Unfortunately, Randy was the extrovert, me more of the quiet one. That is what is so devestating, half of me is gone. He is the one to bring me out of my shell and he never knew a stranger. Hence, a great team that is no longer. I need to go see my doctor as I feel I am slipping into a deep depression. But as luck would have it, my physician recently moved and I need to start the hunt for a new physician. Seems like when it rains it pours. I keep wondering when or if any joy will return to my life again or am I doomed to this for ever. No one knows the extent of this pain except he who has walked in our shoes. Thanks for your support. Becky

I have passed my one year mark this month and thought that I would feel better but that isn't the case. The lonliness is overwhelming and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. I am worried that I am isolating myself. I have commuted for the past 15 years to work and now work out of my home so I don't know a lot of people in my community. The ones I do know all work. So... again by myself. My son is 4 hours away and that is my entire family. Feeling very fragile these days. Thanks for the support here. I was trying to wean off of the support groups thinking it was time, but nothing really making me feel better. Sorry about being such a downer. Blessing to all Becky

Anne and Dave: I returned to Kansas on Thursday and already in the basement twice last night. 79 tornadoes spotted in the state of kansas yesterday. Salina was okay but a couple of tornadoes spotted in Saline County.Some friends took some great photos of one of them. I'm ready to go back to Florida. At least with the hurricanes you have ample time to get ready and get out. Today... wind wind wind. Just another day in Kansas. Hoping this isn't a taste of the rest of Spring here. The 12th, Thursday I survived the one year mark since Randy died. I was fine until about 4:00 p.m. when the flowers started arriving from friends, phone calls, etc. I lost it and was an emotional wreck the rest of the evening. Me, his mother and his sister all made his favorite carrot cake, as he loved his carrot cake. Blessings to you, and Happy Birthday Anne. Becky

Anne and Dave You have got to love those Jayhawks! (even if you are a K-state fan Dave) They are awesome to watch. I agree Anne, Randy and my dad and son used to keep the phone hot during KU BB games... they all lived in different locations, BUT they were bonded and together when it was KU basketball time. My husband and my dad are smiling having a good time up there with Dick and your dad. As many of you know we have been spreading Randy's remains in all of his favorite places and favorite activities. He got his helicopter ride and some of his remains scattered on one of the finest golf courses at Disney and my son took some of his students to the KU-Texas game a couple of weeks ago and he spread some of his remains at Allen Field House.(For those that don't know, that is the KU basketball arena, which is an institution in itself.) My spouse would be smiling. His two favorites were golfing and KU basketball. His sister and I still have to make a Caribbean cruise and spread some remains on the cruise, as he loved St. Thomas. It makes me smile to know he is with the things and places he loved when he was so full of life. Sometimes just a smile and a memory are a great postive. Blessings Becky

Good morning all: I spent yesterday cleaning my sister in laws pool and enjoying the sunshine and warmth. It is such a natural uplifter! The orange blossoms are in full bloom and the aroma is intoxicating. There is nothing better than the smell of orange blossoms in the spring in Florida. I am pretty sure that this is a smell of heaven. Blessings to all Becky

Made a decision and communicated that decision to a friend of mine. He lost his wife of 33 years, 3 months after I lost my spouse. She was my secretary and I have known them for 25 years. We have been a great resource and support for each other. He has become very attached to me and wants a more romantic relationship. I enjoy his companionship but do not want anything more than his friendship. I have been confused about all of this and have spent the last 3 months trying to figure it out. I told him yesterday that all I want and can handle is his friendship. I know that he deserves my honesty. He is very hurt but I finally feel relieved about it all. He was getting way ahead of himself with "us" and their was no us. It is not fun doing this but I feel free of the burden and responsibility. I hope we can remain friends but time will tell. A new day.... full of possibilities.... Blessings Becky

Postives for the day: I found out today that I am going to be a first time GRANDMA. It is bittersweet because my spouse would be right in the middle of this and enjoy every second of it. The pregnancy, the birth and everything in between. So, I plan on doing it for him, double excitment and double the pleasure. I am feeling very blessed. Becky

Postive thing for today: I got to spend a day with my sister in law, since it was a holiday and she was not working. We enjoyed a pedicure and manicure, a little shopping and lunch. It was a beautiful Florida day but mostly I am grateful that I got to spend a day with someone that I love and enjoy. Until I lost my spouse I took these kind of days for granted, but no longer. Thank you Judy for a wonderful day!! I am blessed.... Becky

I also made it through, but it wasn't one of the better ones by far. I could of crawled under the covers and skipped the whole day. Memories are good but they sure make it harder to get through the now and present. Starting to feel anxiety, not sure what it is all about. Thinking it was at this time last year that my spouse's health and cancer started heading south fast. If this is it, I have got a rough next two months with last years memories of these times. Even though it is hard remembering last year's Valentine's Day as sick as he was, I am betting that next year will be worse, remembering that he wasn't with me for this year's Valentine's Day. Hoping I make progress in my thought process by then. Blessings Becky

Happy Valentine's Day to all. I do not have my spouse to say this to, so all of you get it, and thank you for being here for me these last 10 months. Remembering last year and how sick he was but he still got on the computer and ordered a dozen roses and they arrived on Valentine's Day for me. One year ago seems like forever. He was such a romanatic when I was the more practical one. How I miss that and him. Wishing each of you peace today and may the memories of past Valentine's Days bring you much comfort. Blessings Becky

Suzie Q; What a great idea... actually writing out your goals. At least you can see that you are being productive and moving forward. I think that is something I did to do. As an administrator my entire career, I am a very goal oriented person. I to am working on some of the same ones you identified... but writing them down and checking them off is huge. Thanks. Blessings becky

Thank you Marty. I will be checking them out. Becky

Kay and Mary I appreciate your insight so much on this board. It is helpful and most importantly full of compassion and empathy. Maybe I have overlooked my purpose, as it might be right in front of me. I worked for the judicial system for 32 years. On the side, I have completed child custody evaluations/investigations/home studies for attorneys and judges as ordered. Trained many years ago. These are reports to assist the court in making determinations on child custody cases. They are very complex and right now I have three of them on my plate and the money is good, a bonus. I have been fortunate enough that I completed the interviews in KS and am working on the reports to the Court while I am in Florida. Maybe that is my calling for the rest of my life. The Judges and attorneys in my small town in KS are making sure they are coming my way. My neighbor in KS. is the City librarian and I am going to see if I can do some volunteer work at the libarary when I get back north in April. That seems fairly safe and non emotional for now. I really don't want to tie myself down with a full time job as I just don't think I can do it right now. My sister in law is four doors away from me in Florida and she seems to keep me upbeat most of the time and we are extremely close, plus the sun and warmth have been so therapeutic for me for the winter months. I know that I would be in a dark place had I stayed in KS this winter. On a side note, my husband wanted to take a helicopter ride the last week of his life. I told him that we would if he got to feeling better. He never did. He was also an avid golfer. So... last week I took some of his remains and took him on his helicopter ride. The pilot desended over one of the finest golf courses on Disney property and I scattered some of him. A helicopter ride and golf! I felt very good about this decision. I believed he would of been pleased. Thanks again for your friendship and input. It means a lot to me. Blessings Becky

Good morning all: I am approaching 10 months since my spouse left this earthly place and I am still wondering if this is how my life will be. I made a promise to myself that I would not make any major decisions, changes, etc. in my life for one year... as I know that grief can cloud some judgements. I feel like I am stuck between two worlds, my past life that I loved so much and the forward button of what my new life could/would be, knowing that I need to move forward but scared, fearful and really don't want to. My mother in law said we will all grieve for one year then we MUST move forward with our lives. Is it really that easy? I continue to feel lonely, (although I have had offers of companionship, etc.) just not interested in the way others want. As I have stated before, I have had the best so anything/anyone will be second. I've done the counseling and I guess getting used to the new norm as much as I don't like it but what do I do with it? I still have not found a purpose for my life. I retired 2 years ago, 10 days later my spouse diagnosed with cancer. So... now no caregiving and no job. We worked so work together to obtain a house north and one in Florida where I now am, which now is moot, since he is not here to enjoy what we worked so hard for. It is hard to maintain or find a job when I have divided times between the two. By the way... I am young at this, only 55. What should I be doing? Any suggestions or advise out there. Because I have no clues and not getting any insight from any higher powers as to what my life should look like.My head says move forward and my heart says no. HELP! Blessings Becky

Thanks Steve ... just ordered it! Blessings Becky

Steve: I felt compelled to write after I spent yesterday afternoon reading your blog about the days and struggles of your wife's cancer. I enjoyed your writings and you have a gift. I am so sorry for your loss for you and your family. I also noticed that you had a Caring Bridge site. I had not been back to my husband's site since his death in April. I made my way back to it yesterday and I had a tearful afternoon reading the struggles and small triumphs to the end. What amazed me the most, we always tried to find some positives to report if only a minute particle. My husband died April 12, 2011. There are some similiarities in our stories. We thought we had the throat cancer beat only to find out 3 months later it was back in his sinuses. He fought long and hard because that was our pact, never to give up. He was in hospice for 4 days and also left this earthly place when only our son and his girlfriend were in the room. All family memebers were here but only our son and daughter in law were in the room with him. They had just flew in and I believe he was holding on until they arrived. Our son also had a wedding date planned in July. The doctors talked to my husband and me about moving up the date but we did not feel like it was ours to move so we did not mention it to our son. In retrospect, I wished we would have had that conversation with my son. They were married in July with my husband there in spirit only. It was one of the hardest things I had to do... sit in that church pew alone without my husband beside me, trying to be so happy and full of life for our son and the beginning of their new life together yet where was my other half to celebrate this event. One of many times in the last nine months that I have learned to go through the motions. Steve, thank you for your blogs and your writings, you are an exceptional story teller and let it be your passion and healing during the months to come. Blessings to you and your family. Becky

Dave, thinking of you today and hoping the day passes gently with done memories for you. Becky

Dwayne: Thinking of you and know you are not alone. The grief surges come and go ...one of the positives it that as time goes on the waves are further apart and don't last as long. I had a particularly hard New Years Eve and New Years Day..no reason for it just reflections of years gone by with my love and knowing there will be no more. You will be back in your academic sweet spot in no time. In the mean time be kind to yourself. Hugs from your Abilene friend *Becky*

Dwayne That is so true. I had dinner with my neighbor lady (past mayor of Abilene) and I was kind of taken back when I was tearful talking of my Randy and she said she was jealous. I did not know what she meant by that statement until she said that she had two failed marriages and never had the loving relationship that Randy and I had. I was upset because he was gone after a brief 16 years yet she had never experienced what we had and yearned to have. I finally got it..I was blessed to have him for as long as I did and so blessed to experience such a loving man who treated me as his princess. I miss him greatly but so grateful for the 16 years of his presence and love. 2012 is a new year and a new outlook for me. Blessings Becky

Dear Kay.. I want to apologize if my previous postings caused you to feel devalued.. not my intentions at all. You are not and are a constant source of wisdom for me. My father was a strong willed individual and whenever I feel down deflated and can't/don't want to go on I hear my father's voice telling me I can do it and get on with it. My father has been deceased since 2008 and that was his gift to me my whole life. Survival skills and the will... I was just rambling not meaning anything by it. Please forgive me for my lack of empathy. Dewayne: I wish I could say I feel my spouse with me all the time or any time. I just don't have that gift. I believe that I am open to that but nothing. Is it because you and Pauline talked about what she wanted you to do with your life before she left this earthly place? We did not have those discussions because we were going to beat the disease and get on with our lives. I have no idea want he wanted for me without him in it. I would give anything for a replay and have that conversation with him but that will never happen. Becky

Dwayne Your analogy was on target . However with my own analogy I feel like a vehicle with only two wheels as the other two have been stolen from me.. I normally have the ability to move and go forward or backward but it is now very difficult with the loss the the two wheels. I will have slow movement if at all until the car is whole again with those four wheels. Sometimes the car is just stuck...without the missing wheels and even if I could go anywhere I wanted to go I don't even know where I would go without being whole again, with all four wheels. The question and answer remains with "How do I become a whole working vehicle again?" I have been exposed with new surroundings, new friends new part time job yet I yearn for some familiarity of my old life.. I continue to try to run away from it all..but in the end I can't, my old life is over and he is still not here with me any way you slice the pie. As my father used to say...pull your boot straps up and stand up tall and get on with it. It was a hard pill to swallow but I know that this needs to happen. Enough of my pity pot..I will survive. Becky