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Hello

I am here beacuse I don't know what to do. My situation is a bit complicated and I truly hope that I don't offend anyone in my explantion of the current relationship. I am in an open realtionship with my partner, he has another individual who resides with him. Ours is long distance however I have recently spent much time there with them both. While there my partner was diagnosed with cancer. He had a cancerous spot removed several years eairler and we though all was good since he had monthly chekups. While I was there he became ill, and finally the day I departed was admitted to the hospital. It just gets horrible from this point. He was diagnosed with stage four bone cancer. I have updates from his other partner daily. At first I could call him and talk, but he became more and more ill. His other partner is going crazy, but at least she can see him. I am across the state and it is up to her if I can stay and see him. We both are in the same situation though she has every legal advantage due to knowing him 3 years before me. It's such a long story, and too much to detail here, but I am going crazy myself. I am hoping to go and see him and help with all that needs done after the Thanksgiving holiday. It's just a waiting game. One day they say he has a year or two the next day maybe 6 months? This is all coming from her as she has asked that I not call him due to his not sleeping at all and in constant pain. I don't know how to deal with this? This relationship has been working up until this point but now all the stress has made it so hard to communicate. I feel selfish and self centered calling for updates, but I am just as upset as she is, maybe more. I dont know what to do, how to act, My family dosent understand this relationship and just seems to think it is sad but they say, well your not married or anything like that..but I feel just as though I have just as much I will be losing. Even here it sounds selfish beacuse it seems to be all about me??? I love him and I want him in my life! I am devasted. Does anyone understand this? All I do is cry from dawn till night and then some.

Mik

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I am afraid. Fear and anxiety grips me daily. How does one cope with this fear of one dying and know that you can do nothing to change it?

Mik

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Mik,

I encourage you to continue to come here and pour out your feelings, I will listen and care. I am sorry you are losing your partner. It is not the paper that makes a relationship, it is just the paper that says you can visit in the hospital, inherit, file taxes with, etc. The other person doesn't have the paper either and unless you're in a common-law state, it won't likely help her either to have been living with him. All will go to and be up to the family...you can consult legal advice in your state for specifics.

Being in a relationship with him, I'm sure he'd want to hear from you. Right now everything needs to be put aside for thought of his comfort and care and hopefully his other partner will recognize that, esp. since she was okay with everything beforehand. I wish you the best in dealing with this very difficult situation. A lot of people say unthinking things when someone loses someone they loved, married or not, just because they haven't been there and don't understand. It's helped me to recognize that they mean well in the stupid things they say and let go of it, but I've also learned to stand up and voice myself in a strong but gracious way.

I hope you can get some time with him and help take care of him soon. Keep us posted how you're doing...

Kay

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Thank you for your words. I had a call from him this morning. I am headed out on the six hour trip to see him on Wednesday. He told me he will not be going home but to a hospice. I am further devasted. The doctor initally told him one to two years, then said a year or more. The 6 months..now he told me he will be lucky to live to the new year... My world is upside down, I just interviwed for a job after being on unemployment for two years and got it..Now I am not taking it. I had planned on working with him in his business...but he is never comeing home..I am trying to grasp the idea of NEVER GOING HOME....I still can't digest it.arent doctors sometimes wrong? Does thismean he is really dying and has only a few months..I have just gotten settled with the idea of one or two years..now this..I just can't bear the thought of losing him. I am so sad for him..to never go home, to never see his dreams realized, to never again go out in the sunshine and hike through the woods, or cut wood for the fire...I am so angry and sad and defeated..all at the same time I don't know if I am coming or going..it's been "there"..now I will be there with it..in the middle..but I don't want to be anywhere but by his side..what if I cant handle it..will I go mad? am I going nuts now..this feels like a horrible nightmare that I just can't wake up from it it will be all the more real next Wednesday...

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mik,

I am so sorry for all you are going through, words are inadequate in this situation. Are you able to survive if you don't take the job? My job and this site was my lifesaver when my husband passed away. It's also important to have a means of support and if unemployment is cut off, how will you live? You mentioned you'd planned to work with him in his business, is that business still a viable option for you? I hate to bring up mundane details like subsistence but unfortunately, it will be all too real to you when you run out of money.

Try to focus on the right now rather than the entire future...the future looms too big and can be overwhelming as you grasp to take it all in. You've been through one shock after another. You say he'll be in hospice rather than coming home, so he'll be at a care facility? At least you should be able to visit when you want, right? I'm sure it'll mean much to him that you're there.

You might get more hits on this thread if you move it to "Loss of Spouse", not as many read this section, and really, that is what you are going through, you are losing your partner to death...most of them on that section already lost their partner, not all were married, but many were caregivers the last couple of years and understand what it is to go through grief ahead of time as well as afterwards. (You can contact the administrator to move it if you want to.)

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The problem with the job is that is is here..6 hours away from where he is...and yes the unemployment will run out in 7 weeks...sigh. I don't know what will become of the antique and collectable business that he has and I have, we both have ebay sites. He has been doing this for more than ten years ans just taught me everything to start one of my own which I have, I have had mine for a year. The plan was to work together on one ebay site and combine our items. Now I don't know what will happen...I don't know what he plans on doing with his estate, and I really don't want anything from him other than to be a part of each other's lives for however long that will be..and it looks like it's not long. He rents another home full of priceless antiques as well that are his own personal treasures...I don't even know whats going to happen there..or what will happen due to rent being due...OMG..it's just overwheming..plus all the items at her house (his other partner)... Now we have yet another clitch..beacuse he is going to hospice Monday, I am going to have to "pretend" to be a family memeber..(sister) beacuse the other partner's supervisor is a supervisor at the hospice! It could be a problem since only family memeber can spend the night and be ther all the time..what a mess...but I will do whatever I can to be with him....I know I am rambling and it is hard to communicate with me...but your right, one day at a time..the future is just too bleak. Last night I woke out of a sound sleep in a cold sweat...anxiety and dread gripping me...I had to drink a shot of Captian Morgan just to calm down and go back to sleep....sigh...I really don't know how to cope. But thank you and I will go to admin to see if this post can be transfered. Thank you again for your words and for being there.

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Mik, Where is your antique shop that you started? Is it six hours away from him as well? Perhaps you could work during the week and spend your weekends with him? Maybe you and the other partner could take turns being with him that way? I'm just suggesting, you've probably already thought of all possibilities at least a thousand times over. I don't suppose you could tell the job that your domestic partner has just been released to hospice care and you may need time off...let them decide if they want to work with you on it or not, I know, they probably won't, but you have nothing to lose to ask. Just don't forget in all of this to take care of yourself and meet your needs.

Just know my thoughts and prayers are with you, and somehow you will get through this time, one day at a time, trust me, when my husband died suddenly, I had no idea how I would get through it all...it's 6 1/2 years later and I still wonder that, but somehow...I'm still here.

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Dear MIK,

What you are going through now is Anticipatory Grief. It is very common for a person to go through in the months before the loss of their loved one.

I lost my wife Pauline almost 9 months ago to MS ( Multiple Sclerosis ). She had it for many years and it ate her away very slowly until her final couple of months of her life. I had worked my job for 27 years and quit for what would turn out to be her last 2 1/2 years of her life. We lived together for 3 years before we were married. We were married for over 30 years.

I agree with Kay the paper does not mean anything. If I was you, I would not wait until after Thanksgiving. Why spend it with your family any way if they do not understand and care about your feelings. You need to be with him. You should ask him about your antique business on E-Bay, and ask what he wants, even if his other partner is there. You should not wait to find out about his wishes. One thing I learned, with Pauline having MS for so long we started planning in 1996, what she wanted and when. We talked about everything through the years. We left nothing unsaid.

The one thing I hear a lot in my grief meetings are that, the loved one left behind, never asked the very difficult questions. Please don't what until it is to late. Go to him and spend the holiday with him, talk to him, cry when you need to, keep coming back here for support. I will help you as much as I can.

Stay strong for him now, and be with him, and talk about what he wants to be done after, then fulfill his wishes. It will be better for you, to talk to him and understand his wishes. It will be hard to do, but at least you will know what he wants. Then you can move forwards from there.

God Bless

Dwayne

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Dwayne,Thank you for your words. This just happened so fast!!! I am leaving Wednesday morning to see him. There are also several other family memeber staying with his other partner so I don't know where we are all going to sleep but we will work that out. I phoned my future employer and requested an extra week before I begin the job..honestly, I don't know if that will be enough time it it bought me some time to figure this out. I am waiting to hear back from her...So I will be spending the holiday and if knows how long. I am afraid to go..I know sounds silly but there is just so much to deal with. I want to see him despertly however it is just so safe here, almost removed until it enters my thoughts..and it does day and night..I am stuck in between and feel selfish because I know where I belong. And guilty. Thats nothing new, lol...I will talk with him about all the hard subjects...the business, his remaining time, what he wants from me while he is here ect. It is just so hard to imagine this..being without him. I took for granted we would always have each other. There is so much to do before I go..packing ebay stuff to take with me so my business doeent go down the drain, making sure money is distributed for bills and other needs, making sure the car is good to go..it's being inspected again today...packing..maps...mail..I am overwhelmed and would love to just go back to bed but I cant. But thank you all for your kind words and wisdom...it is helping me a great deal.

Mik

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KayC,

Thank you for listening. The shops we have are on ebay. The problem is all the merchandise that has to be shipped and mailed. I am taking a lot with me so that I can continue with mine and well as work on his. I have contacted my future employer and asked for another week before beginning the job..I don't know how much time I will need but this bought me some time. I am waiting to hear back from her. I am just overwhelmed and afraid to go..afraid to stay here..I just want our life back the way it was! I am headed out Wednesday morning. Thank you for your reply and all your help...and for listening. It is appreciated.

Mik

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Dear Mik,

I know how hard it is, and the guilt you are feeling. Of all the feelings and emotions of grief, guilt was the biggest one for me. I do not know why, because everyone said that no one could have been a better husband and care taker for Pauline. Her father told me in all his years in the Navy and working in the private sector, he had never met anyone who worked as hard as I did. When I set out to do something I never quit until the job is done. But with Pauline, as hard as I tried everyday to keep her healthy, by eating and cooking healthy food, keeping her spirit up all the time, by focusing on the positive things in life, and never the negative, but in the end, it wasn't in my hands. I think that is why I had so much guilt. It took months and a lot of Hospice counselor, for me to come to terms with my guilt.

I am glad you are going and being brave to have those talks now, and not wait until after, then it is to late. I find it amazing how many people, when faced with the ending of their loved ones life, never have those hard to face and emotional hard talks about final wishes. I think that some how we all should be educated on just this kind of thing. To help each and everyone of us to be able to face death and understand what the other one wants for final wishes. It really made it a lot easer for me, because I knew years ahead of time every last detail of what Pauline wanted, and what I wanted as well, as her, because it is a two way street. We do not know what it is like to die yet, and also they do not know what is and will be like to go on into a new life without them. We each only know our own side of things to come. I wish you all the best, and I hope you can find some peace and comfort in the days ahead.

God Bless

Dwayne

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Mik,

It's good that you asked for a week to start your job rather than just letting it go, as hard as it is to think of mundane things like work and bills, it's something we have to deal with, up to it or not. If you can compartmentalize, it would help a lot, that is go to work and force yourself to just think about work and then when you're off you can think about him and all you are dealing with. It's really tough, I had a hard time going to work when George died, his death was a shock, totally unexpected, but I had no choice, I needed money and thus my job, but they were all understanding.

You'll be in my thoughts as you make your trip, I hope you can get your questions answered and that everyone is gracious.

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It was a nightmare.

Mik

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Dear Mik,

I an so sorry, to hear that you such a night mare, over the weekend and your trip. I wanted a different out come for you, my heart goes out to you. If you want to talk about it in private, just IM me, and we can talk about your bad experience you had.

God Bless

Dwayne

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Mik,

Me too, I'm here if you need me. How is the job coming along? Have you decided to take it? How are you doing? I imagine it's hard to sleep and a lot of tears...been there...

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