mik Posted December 25, 2011 Report Share Posted December 25, 2011 I just wrote an entire page..hit the wrong key and lost it all. I am missing my Dragon so much tonight I can barely breath. I am afraid I will lose his memory. I can't shake this feeling of dread lonliness and depression. I have my family but it is not enough. I need him..what will I do? How will I ever get through this? I still can't believe he is gone..what will it take? There is nothing to be done. Kim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 25, 2011 Report Share Posted December 25, 2011 Kim, I know, I'm sorry, been there...you will get through it, one minute at a time...Christmas will turn into New Years and you'll make it past Valentine's, and one day you'll hit the one year mark, and after a time, you'll be as far out on your journey as I am...and you'll realize you're a survivor and you'll know you did it one day at a time, you'll have survived the unthinkable, just like us. It's hard, but we do get through it. Saying a special prayer for you tonight. I hope your family brings you comfort. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mik Posted December 25, 2011 Author Report Share Posted December 25, 2011 Thank you. just so dammed unfair! We spent last Christmas together all of us...My first and last Christmas with him and Cindy. I want more! I just don't get it..how could a God who is supposed to be kind and merciful create a disease like bone cancer and make somone suffer through this??? I am having a hard time even praying these days. I find somone..finally..and he is taken from me in a heartbeat. I feel like a whiner and selfish but dammit..what did I do to deserve this? All my relationships have been bad. I finally find domeone who loves me for me..and he's gone now. Why? I just don't understand life at all. I just want to leave this world for good, but my parents are older and it would kill them to have me leave this world before them. Life is just one big disappointment and heartach after another..and it will continue. I try to remeber what I should be grateful for but I am angry and hurt and in pain and I want more than this out of life. It just sucks all of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 25, 2011 Report Share Posted December 25, 2011 Kim, I have said and felt all you have...I don't think God created disease, but when the world got upset, it threw everything off, that's how it came, but I definitely went through my being mad at God stage...He's big enough to take it and safe enough to let us vent. You're right, we all have someone depending on us, loving us, that we can't leave before our time...for me, that is my dog, my sisters, and my kids...sometimes it seems no one cares but the reality is, there are people that would miss us. Eventually we get more used to this "new life" if you can call it that, but it's very hard to find new purpose. I have always been an avid pray-er, but that first year I found it extremely difficult, I think that's common. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindycox Posted October 15, 2012 Report Share Posted October 15, 2012 My minister yesterday had such a good sermon..he is doing a series of healing the soul..He said he went home and told his wife one day he had to go away and be alone with God for awhile..So he went to this cabin in Kentucky all alone and he said me and God had some good talks..He said and I got a little loud with him because I just wasn't understanding why some things were going the way they were..He said" I would jump back when I got loud with him.."But he said its okay to yell at God he o do whatever makes you feel better, at least for a few minutes anyway..God Bless you all.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ANC1117 Posted October 15, 2012 Report Share Posted October 15, 2012 Kim, I agree that it sucks. I frequently look back to the morning Celene died. She woke up, made me breakfast, kissed me as I left the house and less than six hours later, took her last breath. I recall the conversation we had on the phone just 45 minutes prior to our daughter calling me to say that Celene stopped breathing. I still don't understand it and it still doesn't make sense to me. I hate the new life I have without Celene and hate that I have to learn everyday how to move forward. I too have wished that my life would end and I wouldn't be in such pain and uncertainty. Then I look around at all the people still in my life that would struggle if I too was gone. I tell myself that there is a reason for all of this. I just wish I knew why. Understanding and confused. Anthony Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missing him Posted October 16, 2012 Report Share Posted October 16, 2012 Kim - I'm so sorry you are struggling. i too have been there angry at God but now I understand that God didn't do this. Some things are out of his control. I agree it sucks, hurts, it isn't fair when we found the love of our lives and NOBODY will ever compare to them. I do believe that our "work" here isn't done. I'm reading a book (it is a little old but a good one)called "Why Bad Things Happen To Good People". I will never understand the "whys". I cry everyday still. I am thinking of you... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 16, 2012 Report Share Posted October 16, 2012 That's a good read. I'm not sure there really is a good answer that would mean something to us, but I do know that clouds can have a silver lining, and I know there is good that comes from bad sometimes, I have seen it. We'd undo it all in a heartbeat if only we could, but since we can't, at least we can let it grow us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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