Extremely Loud And Incredibly Close

[mfh]

As I have thought about this movie, I still think it is a good one to see regarding grief. I saw myself in it many times. The movie is, however, quite unrealistic and a bit hokey. I had to let go of that and get into the fantasy of it but as I watched it I found that difficult and later (I am trying not to reveal too much here) even with an explanation...it was hard to take it seriously. I found myself being selective about what was helpful and relevant. But the bottom line is that it has a lot to say about grief, people's reactions to trauma, how people share their pain and more. I recommend it keeping its shortcomings in mind. There are more than the ones I mentioned.

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As for the movie, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, I just got home. Just as it ended, a former client of Bill's came up to me, someone I had not seen in years. She happened to know the person I was with and was taken aback when she saw me and though she knew Bill had died, she did not know what to say or do. It was uncomfortable and I was not in a space to deal with it. I felt badly for her but I did my best at the time. Her presence interrupted the space I was in as the movie silently ended. The friend I was with and I were just starting to share her pain and my pain when we were interrupted. So I drove home somewhat distracted yet pondering. I came out exhausted and with a headache. The movie was emotional work for me. Its many layers, the stories and emotions behind each character; the relationships between them; the grief that ran throughout; the re-living of 911 (Bill and I traveled in our RV down the St. Johns River in New Brunswick that day); the questions one finds oneself asking as it goes on; and the symbolism that permeates the movie were all pulling at my emotions and my intellect. I plan to spend some time chewing on it and then I will share my response and reactions. Overall, I thought it was good (though it had its weaknesses). I do recommend it as a movie that can help people identify their grief/loss feelings. I find these movies to be healing, cathartic and exhausting emotionally and I recommend movies for that purpose. When I have had clients in the past who can't cry, I suggest movies. It usually helps us both identify their pain. I have been known to bring a movie into my office in rare instances. I will respond later or tomorrow in more depth. Sorry for the long response.

[kayc]

Mary,

Thank you for sharing that with us. I will give it a try...the reviews I'd seen didn't rate it as excellent, but even if the story line wasn't all it could be, sometimes, as you say, you can still glean from the therapeutic use.

[mfh]

Yes, Kay. It is not the greatest movie I have ever seen but it takes the viewer to the world of grief and those movies usually help me in some way.

Peace

Mary

[melina]

Mary,

I try to avoid films that will "bring it all back". But it seems lately that a lot of films and tv series deal with death - even cancer. It's hard to avoid. The other night I watched "The Descendants" and ended up sobbing and feeling miserable the rest of the evening. I suppose it was cathartic, but I'm able to sob on my own, so I don't really need a cathartic experience.

Still, others may find watching sad movies helpful. I think I much prefer comedies and science fiction.

Melina

[dave s]

Have been debating about seeing this movie, not sure I am in a position to see something sad......I too usually just need to watch comedies......but usually love anything Sandra Bullock is in......will think about it.....could be good for me....Dave

[kayc]

Last night I watched a movie about a woman (who died) that left her children the story of her affair...it was hard for them to wrap their heads around, but in the end I think they knew more about their mother and learned about themselves for her having opened up to them. It wasn't the greatest movie of all time, but it was thought provoking (sorry, I can't remember the name of it).

[mfh]

Mary,

I try to avoid films that will "bring it all back". But it seems lately that a lot of films and tv series deal with death - even cancer. It's hard to avoid. The other night I watched "The Descendants" and ended up sobbing and feeling miserable the rest of the evening. I suppose it was cathartic, but I'm able to sob on my own, so I don't really need a cathartic experience.

Still, others may find watching sad movies helpful. I think I much prefer comedies and science fiction.

Melina

I am pretty discriminating about movies. I can go months without seeing one and have since Bill got sick. This month, however, I have seen three...the latest today and i was not discriminating....a friend and I went without checking it out thoroughly. I saw Descendants today. I thought it was about a man who had to deal with two daughters AFTER his wife died....however, as you know, the whole movie focused on their marriage, her death and it was NOT something I would choose to see IF I had checked it out. I did not relate to it as the marriage was a disaster...but the character studies were interesting along with other parts of it. Took place in Hawaii where Bill and I honeymooned...but I just did not relate to it too much. A few tears when she dies. Moving in some ways but maybe I am numb after the week but I do not think so. Some grief focused movies help me....it they focus on grief. Have to ponder this one.

[melina]

I saw Descendants today. I thought it was about a man who had to deal with two daughters AFTER his wife died....however, as you know, the whole movie focused on their marriage, her death and it was NOT something I would choose to see IF I had checked it out. I did not relate to it as the marriage was a disaster...but the character studies were interesting along with other parts of it.

It was the part where the youngest daughter is told that her mother was going to die. That was one of the most traumatic moments for me - when the nurse at the ICU took my sons into a room to tell them their father was going to die. And that look on their faces when they came out, my youngest son sobbing. Just too much for me.

And then when they spread the ashes at sea - just as we did.

I kind of wish I hadn't seen it. But then almost anything sets me off these days.

Melina

[mfh]

For sure...that scene where the little girl learns was a tough one for me but I can only imagine how tough it was for you who had kids who had to get that message. If I had known in advance i.e. researched it a bit as I usually do, i would not have seen it either. I have had a tough week so I think there is a protective shield around me today....I am so sorry...you did not need that trigger...or maybe it was good to sob for a while. I cry so much, I never know but as Marty told me yesterday and I know she is right....if I need to cry...well...I need to cry. She said it better

Peace, friend

Mary

[mfh]

PS....isn't it like the middle of the night there????

[melina]

Yes, but I don't sleep much....

[kayc]

I am pretty discriminating about movies. I can go months without seeing one and have since Bill got sick. This month, however, I have seen three...the latest today and i was not discriminating....a friend and I went without checking it out thoroughly. I saw Descendants today. I thought it was about a man who had to deal with two daughters AFTER his wife died....however, as you know, the whole movie focused on their marriage, her death and it was NOT something I would choose to see IF I had checked it out. I did not relate to it as the marriage was a disaster...but the character studies were interesting along with other parts of it. Took place in Hawaii where Bill and I honeymooned...but I just did not relate to it too much. A few tears when she dies. Moving in some ways but maybe I am numb after the week but I do not think so. Some grief focused movies help me....it they focus on grief. Have to ponder this one.

Mary,

That's kind of how I felt about the movie I saw...the marriage was nothing like me and George's, and I would never advocate having an affair, so the movie storyline wasn't one I would choose...I missed most of it as my daughter called and talked in the middle of it, but I think the gist of the movie was the woman felt it was more important for her kids to know the real her rather than shielding them from her affair. She could have done that, however, while she was alive, but she was too wimpy to face their questions or anger so she chose to do it after she died, which of course made it harder for her kids, but in a way it forced them to learn about it whereas if she was still alive they might have been more tempted to just avoid her and the whole sordid thing. Amazing what people learn after someone dies. It does seem unfair to the survivors.