How Do I Carry On?

[mfh]

I agree when we say 'till death do us part' we are not thinking of death on that day. Bill and I talked on and off over the years about hoping we die together so one of us does not have to deal with life without the other being with us but alas....here I am...alone and sad...oh so very sad. Very sad today after a night filled with dreams of Bill...dreams I can't remember now but felt like they went on all night.

Mary

[Queeniemary]

So glad you have the move behind you, I know that was difficult. My husband was cremated, and I have his ashes in an Arizona red rock urn. I have it in my living room, on a bookcase, with the portrait, an artist friend painted of Mike after Mike's death, hanging above it. That is "my focal point" I guess you could say. I also have two burial plots in a local cemetary. My son is buried there, and I plan to have a stone for Mike and me put next to his grave. Then when I die and am cremated, the kids can just bury both my ashes and Mikes there. However, until that day, he will be here in the rock.

Please take care of yourself, don't try to do too much in the new place too soon.

Thinking of you.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[alone now]

thank you all for your kind replies. Tomorrow is my 65th birthday and we had planned to go away for a few days but now I am dreading it really. The more this night goes on the sadder I am becoming because I can't really celebrate it without Steve. I am supposed to be going out for lunch with a friend but the evening is what Iam dreading. Hopefully friends and family will call and I can talk to them. How did you all cope with the first birthday/anniversary/Christmas etc? Our anniversary follows on 20th March and we would have been married 36 years - wonderful, happy years with only a fewe ups and downs. God how I wish he was still here.

[mfh]

Dear alone now,

I understand how difficult these anniversaries are. I lost Bill, my husband, two years ago March 27 and am anticipating that anniversary and reliving the last month we had together. It is difficult, for sure. My 70th birthday was the day after Bill's burial and also Easter Sunday....so these dates are now tied together. Anniversaries, birthdays, and more have happened.

What I have learned is that the anticipation of these days has been more difficult than the day itself.

I have learned to plan the day. For example you have lunch scheduled but the evening is open and you are dreading it and hoping someone calls. You might make some plans either by yourself at home (plans to journal, do your hobby, look at photos, etc.) or better yet...perhaps invite someone over for a couple of hours to break up the evening instead of hoping someone will call. You might have to take the initiative. The road is tough, no doubt about it. It is still tough for me and actually my second year has been more difficult in different ways...as I learn to live with his absence after 37 years of his place in my life and mine in his. I would really consider a plan for the day and other anniversaries also. I am so sorry you are in such pain. I know that pain too well and each day can be a challenge though the waves of grief seem a bit further apart now...and I know I will survive them. Be patient with yourself...it takes as long as it takes.

Peace,

mary

[kayc]

Alone,

This is the place that helped me cope. My first birthday I cried myself to sleep...George always made a big deal out of my birthday and wouldn't you know that would be the birthday everyone forgot, no one called, etc. It was hard. Our anniversary was tough, it was the same month as my birthday. Made it through Thanksgiving, Christmas, NYs, Valentine's...by the time I got to Easter I declared war on "special days" and decided to ignore it and treat it like any other day. I even skipped church, I just couldn't handle it. I had my kids up for the following weekend for dinner and no one mentioned Easter...they understood. I did better the next year. The year of the "firsts without..." was tough for me. I don't think the second year is worse, but some do, I think it's because they expect to do better than they are...I didn't really have any set expectations, I just took it like it came.

You will be in our thoughts tomorrow and I hope you do have some good in your birthday and don't have to spend it alone. I'm glad you have a friend to spend at least part of the day with. Happy Birthday

[mfh]

Regarding second year grief. I do think, as you said, Kay, that the expectations to feel better are there but I also know that the second year is the beginning in many instances of really living with the loss. Year one is filled with paper work, people who are there and disappear, shock, fog, holidays for the first time, more paper work and pain that is gut wrenching. In year two one begins to live the "new normal" that is not even defined yet, learns what it is like to be alone, starts to look ahead to a future that is confusing and ill defined and still has the gut wrenching pain to go along with all that. So I do think it goes beyond the expectations people have to feel better. In my case, I truly believe my entire first year I was still in trauma and just starting to come out of the trauma to a harsh reality. I still feel shocked at almost two years. So not sure what year three will bring. I do believe in taking what comes...that is how I have lived this loss so far....and of course, walking the path and doing the work.

Peace

Mary

[alone now]

Well my birthday came and went. Painful most of the time but with friends I went out to lunch and had a nice meal in a lovely setting. The couple of hours we were there I could manage but when I was alone it was bad. I know Steve would have wanted me to enjoy the day but without him it all seems so empty. You are right about the gutwrenching pain but I also am contending with back pain again and have arranged to go to get it checked at the hospital today. Please let it be something muscular and that it will get better soon. I am trying just to take each day as it comes and some days are better than others. I wanted to go to visit Steve yesterday but apologised to him as I didn't dare try getting into a rowing boat with my back as it is, so hopefully I will be okay to go next week. I do tend to forget things, what I want in shops, where I have put something, what I got up to do - and take it that this is all part of the grieving process, either that or I am going slowly mad! The other morning I could hardly get out of bed with the back pain and just felt like leaving this country and going back to the UK but if I did that the authorities would come looking for me as I have the company problems to get sorted. I just don't know what I want to do in the future and can't even envisage a future really as yet.

Sometimes I wake up and it all seems normal and I expect to hear or see Steve and then it hits me that it will never happen again - which is another great shock. The next thing I have to get through is our anniversary - that will be another very difficult day I suppose. I am sorry I seem to be rambling a bit but it is just how I feel - mixed up, in pain mental and physical and so depressed sometimes I just want to stop everything. It does help to type it all out and I started yesterday to continue my journal but couldn't get very far at all. I want to rrecord all that happened in the last 4 or 5 months since I last wrote but it is so very painful and I end up not being able to see to do it. I intend to do a few lines now and again and hope that it all gets done eventually and I can just record daily as I used to. It is most odd that I can't recall things in chronological order so it sill be a jumble of 'happenings' - althoug I have so many journals I do wonder if they will ever be read when I am gone. Does anyone else keep journals? I have always loved writing, drawing, painting etc anything I can put on paper - except all these forms that I am constantly filling in of course. The paperwork and legalities I have been told are going to take a minimum of 15 months in this country as the law is so different and courts etc slow to do anything. So I have to just get on with it but have many times when it seems all way to much. I wish you all a better day. Sandra

[kayc]

Sandra,

I'm glad you had friends with you and that part of the day was good.

Yes, we have gone through the forgetfulness, it's kind of like our brain gets scrambled and we can't focus like we used to. Mine still is not the same as it used to be and I think the shock/jolt was just too much and too jarring and it had lasting damage, but it is better than it was at first, that's for sure.

I used to journal every day but through them away because they were for me not for others to read. I do write letters to George on the computer, it's easier than writing by hand because I don't need t see to type and because it's easier on carpal tunnel. It helps me to feel like he knows what I write somehow, who knows how privy they are to what's going on, there's so much we don't know about the spirit world or world to come.

[alone now]

~Well Kayc I tried typing but had to give up after one paragraph as I just couldn't see and carry on, I was crying too much. I will keep trying as I want to record the events of the last few awful months even if only for me. I still don't know whether to get some anti-depressants as I get so very low sometimes, but also having had experience of them at a young age I know that they can also do harm. I have been told that these days there are some aren't addictive so perhaps I will go that route = just a helping hand. Unfortunately our daughter who was here at the time of Steve's illness has already started taking some to help her. She did go through an awful experience with us and I know she is having a hard time getting over it all. Do other people constantly talk to their bereaved ones like I do? I hope so and that I am not truly on the road to madness. It helps to talk to him. At least I know my forgetfulness is normal so that is a relief. I think perhaps we all wonder if we are going to be okay in the future and what the future will hold for us. It will Iknow be rather lonely for me as friends cannot be with me 24hours as Steve was.

I thought that as our anniversary date is coming up this month I would ask friends to come out to lunch and we can toast Steve as well. Irealise that the evening will be bad as usual but at least during the day Ican have some company to help me.

I hope people continue to reply on this thread as I do find it helps me a lot so thak you for yours. Wishing you a good day.

[kayc]

Sandra,

I think your plans to spend your anniversary with friends is good. And yes, I imagine most of us talk to our loved one, in our minds, if not out loud. People can think us mad if they want but they haven't been in our shoes yet.

You might want to talk to your doctor about meds, what's out there now, and how long you might need it. I didn't go on antidepressants but did on anti-anxiety, I think I always should have been on it but thankfully found something safe and non-addictive.

[alone now]

Thanks Kayc, I am hoping the pills the doctor has given me now will 'kick in' soon. They aren't addictive but I have been told to take them for 6 months minimum and then if I am better get off them gradually. I am getting there slowly, some days better than others and crying at the drop of a hat sometimes but I am told that is normal. I still feel I may see him again one day and can't get rid of that feeling. I am still bound up with legal paperwork which I find most depressing but it has to be done. I hope your days improve and send you all my best wishes.

[kayc]

Sometimes it takes a while for you to be on the medication before it displays depending on our systems and the medication. I've shown improvement in as little as a couple of days but they usually say two weeks to a month, so keep on them, if you don't notice any difference in a month, go back to the doctor, maybe something else would work better or a different dosage.