Lonely

[Beth M]

I lost my dad a few months ago and I am amazed at how lonely grief is. Losing my dad has been overwhelming and heartbreaking, but as the months have passed added to that is loneliness. I have a support system and people who love me, but it feels like I can no longer talk to them about losing my dad. He was my touch stone and losing him has really shaken me. But, it seems that people no longer want to discuss it, or if it is brought up all you see is a look of pity on their face and a quick change of topic. I keep up a strong face and grieve quietly because it's easier than the conflict that occurs if my grief is visible. My 40th birthday is in 12 days and I gradute from Grad school in December, but for each of these things the first thing that comes to mind is that my dad won't be there, and a sense of loneliness envelopes me. I thank each of you on this forum for the opportunity to voice my feelings without feeling like I am bringing anyone else down. Thank you!

[missingdad]

Hi Beth, I find myself thinking about my dad alone. People seem to go on with their lives. At certain times I feel like I am frozen and can't progress. I don't feel like I can just start talking about it to anyone. I'm not angry at anyone but I realise that that's the situation I'm in. I have to get through it myself. When I lost my dad 5 months ago, I felt like I lost a part of me. Nobody will love me quite like he did. Sometimes I think to myself "What did I do to deserve this?" People no longer want to talk about it. It's on my mind when I'm alone. It's difficult to come to terms with. My dad gave so much. I keep up a strong face too because a conflict will arise if I show it. My daughter's birthday is coming up but I'm really not into celebrating at this point (but will anyway). Birthdays, anniversaries, graduations are not important to me, not since my dad passed. They just serve as reminders that he is not there. I don't think you're bringing anyone else down. Thanks for listening/reading.

[Miss Ngu]

Hi Beth and missingdad,

I truly agree with both of you on the lonely aspect of grief. I'm getting more used to the silence, but it's another reality of grief that I didn't expect (as I've written in previous posts). I don't have my closest, dearest friend (my mother) to talk to anymore, and most of my friends don't call anymore. Lots of loss -- and lessons. This has been such a difficult time, and the only place I turn to is this website, which has been very helpful to me (and to which I am also very Thankful). It's challenging, but I must remember that my mother would understand my sorrow, but would also want me to remember to be happy.

Thank you both for your posts. I can share this pain with you, and I don't feel as alone.

[Beth M]

Thanks for your reply, it does help to know I am not the only one with these feelings. I am not angry with anyone either, at times disappointed that I have to "hide" my feelings and emotions, but not angry. I understand that everyone elses life goes on, just hard to have mine go on "normally" when I am missing a part of who I am. While I am grateful to know I am not alone with my feelings, I am sorry that you too are feeing this way, it is an unexpected revelation for me that along with the grief of losing my dad is the sense of isolation and loneliness. I too continue to cheer at the baseball games and celebrate anniversaries and birthdays, but always in my mind is the missing piece that is my dad. I keep hearing that I need to move on, and I am sure at some point I will be able to make amends with this huge sense of loss, but I am never going to be the same person I was. There has certainly been a lot of growing for me in the last 4 months and to say along with that growth has been some growing pains would be an understatement LOL. Hope that your daughter has an amazing birthday and you are able to find a way to enjoy it and have your dad be a part of it even though he isn't there. For my 40th I am going golfing before the party that my husband and kids are giving me and am going to do all my putting with my dad's left handed putter (I'm right handed), if that doesn't make me laugh nothing will LOL

[Beth M]

Hi Miss Ngu

Thank you for your post, it is a great way to know that I am not alone in these feelings, while I am sorry that you are experiencing them too, there is a sense of relief to know I am not the only one feeling them. I never expected with a husband, kids, co workers, friends etc.. that I would have these feelings of isolation and loneliness, another tough life lesson I guess. I am sorry that we share these feelings, it seeems to compound the sense of loss we already feel from losing someone we love so much! My dad would be upset that I am sad and lonely, and he too would want me to be happy, but it is a difficult thing to do at times. When my kids have a good baseball game, I pick up the phone to tell him about it. When I got honors in my grad classes I again picked up the phone to tell him and when your mind catches up and you realize he isn't there, it takes a bit of the happiness and excitement out of the event. I am sure this will get easier as so many people tell me, but for now it just reemphasizes what I have lost. I hope that today is a good day for you, thank you for posting, it is greatly appreciated.

[Miss Ngu]

Hi Beth,

I agree with you -- that "pick up the phone, and call" thought is a tough one, because the memory that we can't is right behind it. The pain in my soul, and the longing for my mother is as fresh and harsh as ever, as is the loneliness. How could I have thought that I could have prepared for this? When I first started writing here in November (6 months after my mother died), I was hard on myself for not being better prepared for the changes that would occur when she died. I wasn't even in reality that my mom was dying. How could I trust myself when I obviously went into such denial? Now, I guess, I learned that we are just human, and can't prepare for the depth of these changes. Being lonely from losing the truest of friendships with my mother is completely understandable. Being lonely from the comfort that I thought my other friendships held in my life is another thing altogether (since I feel "ditched" by most of my long-term friends), and I still don't know how to handle this aspect. I put a lot of my time, energy and love into people I thought might also be able to be there for me. Didn't happen. Maybe my loneliness can be viewed in a positive light, in showing me how truly special and Blessed my relationship with my mother was?!?! No one else can compare. Such a beautiful memory -- my mother and I truly became best friends.

Thank you, also, for your posts. It helps so much to have support, comfort, and understanding. As we have found out, these things are precious and hard to find.

[niamh]

I totally agree with you all and like you Beth am sorry that we all share this feeling, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I think the loneliness is one of the hardest things to live with. No matter what I dont think anyone or anything can fill the void we are left with. I think I actually feel loneliest when surrounded by people, especially if it's some sort of celebration and everyone is so happy.

missingad I too always think nobody will love me like my Dad did, it's a bond that just can't exist with anyone else. I know I lost a part of me too when I lost my Dad. I remember that very split second so so well, it's forever imprinted in my mind and I honestly felt that part of myself disappearing.

Beth M & missingdad Im sorry people don't want to talk about it with you but we are always here and never ever tire of talking about it !

Miss Ngu, I'm sorry most of your friends don't call anymore, I've certainly drifted from "friends" too and haven't heard from some in well over a year. It certainly made me realise who my real true friends are and it's a small small number. I've stopped having expectations of anyone because I realise that even when people say "i'm always there whenever you need anytime", that's not reality, those who are there are there when it suits them but that's just life and I've learned that I can only truly rely on myself. I think our parents, for those of us fortunate to have those kind, are the only ones truly there 100% of the time for anything anytime.

I don't know where you are from Miss Ngu but I know Mother's day is tomorrow in the US so if it is wherever you are sending you tons of love and a big virtual hug, it's an awful hard day.

((hugs)) to each of you,

Niamh

[missingdad]

Hi Beth, I too keep hearing that I should be moving on but it's difficult not to think about my dad often. I'm sure we'll get better with time but I will never be the same person. My perspective on many things has changed. I hope you have fun on your 40th.

Miss Ngu, it's unfortunate that your friends don't call much. I do talk with my friends but not about my dad. I don't think it would help. I have to admit I have not been a good friend to my friends and cousins who have lost their fathers. My friend in dental school lost his dad when he was 24. I was 21 at the time. I never asked him about it (we were in school another 3 years after), never came up, I didn't know what to say. My cousins lost their dad in 2010 and I never really called to see how they were doing. When my friends or relatives are talking about their minor problems, sometimes I think "My dad died, why are you guys complaining." I realise it's my father that's gone and it is more of an issue for me than most other people.

It's true, people always say "anything you need, don't hesitate to call", but it's our parents that are there for us all the time for anything.

I've never thought of it that way Miss Ngu (that loneliness can be viewed in a positive light...). I think that's a nice way to look at it. I hope mother's day went well for you. I thought about my dad for much of the day.

Thank you all

[Miss Ngu]

Well...I made it through the weekend. It wasn't easy, but knowing that I have the support of those I have connected with (and even those I haven't) on this site, really helped me get through it. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

When people asked what I was doing for Mother's Day, I tried out different things. To one acquaintance, I said (very matter-of-fact), "Visiting my mom at the cemetary". As you can imagine, that didn't go over too well, and the person I was speaking with felt quite uncomfortable. I apologized to him. But, really, that's what I was doing. It was the truth. I am still learning that very few people really can "handle the truth". It's hard enough for me to have this as my truth, so it's no wonder why others' can't deal with it either.

Beth - I know it is getting closer to your birthday, and your golf game. Just know that you are in my thoughts and in my heart.

Niamh - Reading your sweet, comforting words, and your virtual hug helped me to feel cared about, and that is very welcomed and appreciated. Thank you so much for your post.

missingdad - Thank you for your post and good wishes. Like you, I now know (a bit better - I think), what to say to people who have lost a loved one. Live and learn. Glad you liked the positive spin on my lonliness. Gotta deal with this somehow.

The death of my mother is something that I don't think I could (or should) "recover" or "move on" from. It's a horribly scary new start, and living on the planet without her changes everything. I just have to go on from here.

Grief is so difficult. I am very Thankful for this website and the wonderful people here.

[blujonny]

I lost my dad a few months ago and I am amazed at how lonely grief is. Losing my dad has been overwhelming and heartbreaking, but as the months have passed added to that is loneliness. I have a support system and people who love me, but it feels like I can no longer talk to them about losing my dad. He was my touch stone and losing him has really shaken me. But, it seems that people no longer want to discuss it, or if it is brought up all you see is a look of pity on their face and a quick change of topic. I keep up a strong face and grieve quietly because it's easier than the conflict that occurs if my grief is visible. My 40th birthday is in 12 days and I gradute from Grad school in December, but for each of these things the first thing that comes to mind is that my dad won't be there, and a sense of loneliness envelopes me. I thank each of you on this forum for the opportunity to voice my feelings without feeling like I am bringing anyone else down. Thank you!

Hi Beth, I lost my dad almost two years ago, he wasn't even 60. I'm almost 38. One thing that stands out is that somehow I feel like I missed out. If you need someone to understand where you're coming from please let me know. Maybe we could message back and forth. Personally I still have things that bother me and I always have time and space to empathize with others going through the same thing.