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It Will Be 2 Years 17 May

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It will be 2 years this coming week. I haven't been here in a while as I've been trying to keep busy - which I have effectively done with a new puppy, work-out classes, walking groups and basically getting "out" as much as I can - the line "fake it until you make it" is what I live by. The days leading to the 17 of May though are quickly closing in and the pain and lonliness simply hurt. As we know here, the pain doesn't go away, though I will say, it does get a little easier to bear over time. It is the now, the painful "landmark" dates that hit hard - birthdays, christmas, anniversaries. I sit here thinking what has happened in the last 2 years? I lost the love of my life and my world collapsed, I had to fight Michael's family in court for our home which just settled in my favour May 1st, 2012 (painful process no one should have to endure), honoured the death of a childhood neighbour who died at age 84 shortly after Michael passed, saw my mother through living with cancer for 6 months to her death Feb 9th, 2012 and another friend just died at 64 after 3 days in hospital (cancer again). All hard, all painful. In all, I have to say, nothing in my entire life has yet to compare to the pain of losing Michael - he was 45, I became a widow at 43 and with widowhood my identity, my entire life changed for ever.

Good things happened too! My great nephew was born and was named Michael - he is a beautiful child who is now 1, that has my Michael's loving nature, my puppy KIBO who is just 4 1/2 months old, brings a lot of joy and companionship, through my Mother's illness and death, my whole family came closer together, I'm getting in shape, sleeping better...

I have said it often... I am not the same person I was before Michael, nor the same person I was with Michael and I still don't know who I am after Michael - I am starting over. All I know, is while I try to fill up the days and hours, I simply miss Michael every day. My friends and family are fatigued of hearing about me being sad, so I don't share, nor do I cry in their presence as often anymore... I have had a loving and supportive group of friends and family for which I am grateful. Every once in a while my grief will come up in conversation and they seem surprised when I say I still cry almost every day. I understand - they haven't had to walk in widow shoes. Death sucks - I saw on a t-shirt and is so true.

And to new widows who also did not choose this journey, I don't want to be doom and gloom, it does get easier and there are some days I feel joy and happiness, some where I do not cry and even when I do cry it is not as hard or as long or as painful as it was when Michael first died... Time does heal, slowly.

I fully expect that I won't be sad forever, Michael wouldn't want me to. I fully expect to honour Michael's life by laughter and smiles instead of tears - one day. I expect that one day I may even meet a new man - Michael would want that too (that won't be for a while yet - I am far from ready!). I also know that nothing will ever take away the love Michael and I shared - that will never change and he will forever have a large piece of my heart as I know I had his. The only comfort from this journey I have is that we could not grieve if we did not love. I am grateful to have had Michael's love.

Grief, I recognixe is a hard and painful journey. It taks a lot out of us emotionally and physically. As such, it is okay to be sad sometimes...

Thanks for listening and to all a big hug. Take care, Deb :wub:

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You have been through so much in the last couple of years. You say you don't know who you are...you are a survivor. I'm glad you have your puppy and your great nephew...that is what makes life worth living. My thoughts are with you this time of year...

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