Years Later

[Paul S]

Hello all. I was a fairly active member of this site from after my Mom died in 2005 until the summer of 2007. I basically stopped posting because I felt I had "processed" my Mom's death, and moved on. ("Moving on" is not the same as "leaving her" behind. She's still with me, spiritually.)

Once in a while I'd return to lurk and see what is going on here. This place saved my sanity and I have a debt of gratitude to Marty. I'd scroll through old posts (mine and other's) and reread things and wonder about people who had helped me here and who also have moved on (an assumption. A huge majority of those who posted around when I was active seem to have also stopped).

Anyway, and here is the point I'm getting to: today was Mother's Day and it seems that a lot of my friends (Facebook one) are experiencing their first Mother's Day without their Mom. That got me to thinking of the Grief Healing Discussion Groups. And so I wandered back here.

And I am very pleased to have found this new forum. I wish it had been around wayback in 2007, I might not have left! But the idea of a forum where people who have "made it through" the grief, but still ponder the loss years later, can meet and discuss and share. I like this quote from the forum's description:

...You may wish to share with others what you've learned along the way, some signs of your own progress, how this experience has changed you, what discoveries you've made about yourself, or where you plan to go from here...

My Mom's death had changed me. The forge I was put through afterwards made a new me. I worked through the grief. It made my religious faith more spiritual, and my spirituality more religious. I no longer view death as an enemy, but at the very least a process, and at best a passage through to our eternal home. It brought my Mom, my Dad, a sister, and others away from This Place ( the world) and into a safer and happier place. (One thing I learned when I was first involved here was the discovery that I hated "They're in a better place." Ick.)

Death, particularly my Mom's as that was the one that hit me the hardest, has reminded me that This is Not All That There Is. Death had become to me a reminder that life has importace, it is impermanent, and we may leave behind something. What that something is depends, but it is all that there will be from us, once we are gone. It could be children, creative works, money for endowing institutions, or just a happy legacy of helping others that people will pay forward.

My religion teaches that there is an afterlife, and what we do here impacts it. And so the eternal is a focus of my actions. Death has united me (somewhat) with the eternal. And I do not fear death. I actually look forwards to it. Of course I say that now. I'm 49 and mostly healthy! Ask me when I'm on my deathbed! I hope that I'd still "look forwards to it." But right now, facing the reality of my own death is too abstract. When faced with the reality of it, I can't say with certainty.

I like to think I'll be prepared, though.

I'm here and I hopen that those who were active from late 2005 through 2007 wander back here somehow and see this forum and the "New Beginnings" one. It is weird to miss people you never met in person. But like the people in real life I met at face-to-face grief counseling sessions and support groups, I think a special bond is created. Those drawn together by a loved one's death are connected across the times and distances.

Edited May 14, 2012 by Paul S

[zeeks]

Is there really such a thing as "living with loss"? So far it has been 6 years and I feel no different than the first day.... it hurts just as bad if not worse. zeeks

[MartyT]

(Hi Paul! I'm so sorry, but I did not see your post until just now ~ Somehow it slipped through the cracks and I missed it. How lovely to "see" you here again, and I hope you'll return from time to time to share your valuable insights with all of us! Your participation was awesome!)

And zeeks, my dear, I'm so, so sorry that you're struggling so, and I hope you will consider consulting with an "in person" therapist or counselor who specializes in grief and loss. When you feel "stuck" in grief like this,"feeling no different" six years later, it is a strong signal that you need to try something different from what you've been doing so far. There is help available, if you're willing to ask for it. I read an article the other day that made me think of you, and I hope it will give you the inspiration you need to find that help: Complicated Grief, by Stephanie Muldberg, http://stylesubstanc...hanie-muldberg/ See also What Is Complicated Grief?