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I Want Out


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Hi Shelley. All of us here have had to live through times of adversity. Grief taught us all about that. And the lessons are hard. I miss my parents so much, that I get shaken when I remember they are gone. But everybody eventually loses family, and none of us live forever. That's why life is so precious. We've got to care for the people still with us. Likewise with the people in these forums, who have guided each other through grief. We really do care. It's almost weird that few of us have ever met face to face, because the communication feels like we are talking to other family members.

I have followed your story since I came to this site in 2009. I want you to know there is someone in my own extended family, who has suffered similar abuse from her father. She had years of great difficulty because of her trauma. Her response at first was to fall into severe drug abuse, and her life was broken. Then she went into rehab, and wow did she ever come out changed. She has been drug-free for 20 years, and has become the 'rock' of our family. She is now the 'go-to' person when family members have trouble. Her advice for my own troubles is sometimes beyond my comprehension at first, but almost always turns out to be right. I'm just trying to say that past trauma can make us stronger. I've seen this rebound in my own family. The suffering deepens our humanity, and can give us strength. Despite bad trauma, we survive and can establish a new foundation.

I have trouble too, in that I also struggle with depression. My personal life is completely barren; no social life. No partner or companion, but I'm thinking about getting a cat. And the hardest thing for me is to keep up my morale from day to day. And I'll tell you what sustains me: it's my work. I have established my own business; I fetch and photograph documents for scholars. My work helps me feel connected to other people, and they value what I do. Likewise, if i remember correctly, you are working with children. I hope you are still doing this work, and that the children are a source of joy for you.

So take heart! People here are rooting for you, and in no small way. Your successes matter to us when we read about them, and we are also dismayed when things don't go well for you. Keep up your morale in any way that you can! Use this grief site as much as you need; we are here to catch you when you feel down.

Here's what made my day yesterday. A dove has been nesting in an apple tree right outside my front door. Sometimes she gets scared when I pass by, because I'm only 2 feet away from her nest when I pass. A few times she's flown out frantically. So I'm careful now. Yesterday I stuck my head in the tree. And I told her to watch out for rats, because rats will be coming to eat the apples at night. I didn't think she was even in the tree when I spoke. But when I finished speaking, there she was! About a foot away, wide-eyed looking directly at me. I think I have developed a trust with this young female dove. At least she tolerates me now. I hear cooing outside my front door everyday, and it sounds so beautiful.

Be kind to yourself and stay healthy!

Ron B.

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Shelley,

I read a couple days ago that therapy IS available for short term..3 months...A lot can happen in weekly sessions or twice a week for a 3 month period. I really really hope you will take advantage of that. These journeys are tough and we all need all the help we can get. I hope you will pick up the phone in the morning and schedule the first of your 3 month sessions. I am sorry you are hurting so much...truly sorry. Please take advantage of that therapy.

Peace

Mary

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  • 2 weeks later...

What a miracle. That is a painting...think I might print it out. If I paint it, I will let you know. Thank you for sharing these tiny babies. Mary

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Shelley, dear, there is not a person among us who hasn't felt as you are feeling now. I understand your disappointment that the agency you contacted has a long waiting list. I encourage you to try other options, including Mary's suggestions posted here. This is also the time to tap into all the other methods of self-care that I know you've learned along the way, including guided imagery, walking outside and taking in the beauty of nature, seeking spiritual support (whether from a person or in articles and books), eating food that's good for you, drinking enough water, getting enough exercise and rest, doing something special for yourself (manicure, pedicure, massage, new hair style), and writing about exactly what is troubling you right now. You can do that privately in a journal, anonymously in a blog online, or you can do it here. We are here for you, and we are listening.

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  • 2 weeks later...

eating food that's good for you, drinking enough water, getting enough exercise and rest,

I think these things are often overlooked and not appreciated for how important they really are. It's amazing to me the diff sometimes I can feel if I am not sleeping enough or eating poorly/etc. I urge people not to dismiss this as not being able to make a significant difference (which I have done more than once).

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi All,

As July 25th comes closer I am feeling really, really low again.. On July 25th is the day that my dad was diagnosed with cancer... It was a very fearful day for him and for me... He was in the hospital for over a month before they diagnosed him... He died one month later of cancer...

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  • 3 months later...

Hi All

Just updated Marty with this news but I felt I should share it with all of you since you have been always there for me when I need it the most... I have found a new therapist and if everything works out it will be a more long term solution to all my problems... I see her this Monday and if I feel we match than I will see her weekly until we both come to the conclussion that I do not need a therapist any longer... Wish me luck and Thanks for always listening and being here for me... Lucky am I to have such wonderful website family as I do ... God Bless and I will post after my meeting with her... shelley

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  • 1 month later...

Hi All,

I still want out, this past year has been really really hard... My family about 23 people got together for a get together but it was hard because my mom would have loved having all the family in one place... I miss you mom .. love you tons shelley

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welll here it goes again, My brother has decided to sell his house... It is the house where Chelsea has been buried in... I can not believe I will never be able to sit by her grave and talk to her anymore... My family just does not understand why i am so upset about it all... shelley

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Shelley, my dear, I'm so sorry. This reminds me of how I felt when we sold our home in New Jersey and we had to leave behind the graves of our beloved cockapoos, Muffin and Raisin. At the time, I found great comfort in this poem, and I hope it brings you some small measure of comfort, too:

There is one best place to bury a dog.

If you bury him in this spot, he will

come to you when you call - come to you

over the grim, dim frontier of death,

and down the well-remembered path,

and to your side again.

And though you call a dozen living

dogs to heel, they shall not growl at

him, nor resent his coming,

for he belongs there.

People may scoff at you, who see

no lightest blade of grass bent by his

footfall, who hear no whimper, people

who may never really have had a dog.

Smile at them, for you shall know

something that is hidden from them,

and which is well worth the knowing.

The one best place to bury a good

dog is in the heart of his master.

~ Ben Hur Lampman, 1925 ~

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Hi Marty,

Thanks so much for sharing this peom with me... It helped me so very much and after receiving the scrapbook of pictures I can hold them close to my heart and remember my best friend in both worlds... Thanks again Marty it was just what I needed... shelley

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Amazing response. Amazing poem...a keeper.

Mary

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