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Yesterday Was My 37Th Birthday


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A friend asked me how I was doing...I think that maybe I was too honest in my response.

I am ok..no actually that is a lie...truly this last week has been hard. I had read that life milestones can be difficult, especially the first ones without a loved one. Turning 37 without Arthur makes me feel sad. It reminds me that he shall never turn 37 himself, let alone 40, 50, etc.

I find myself torn between feeling as though my life should be over now that he is gone and that I should simply bide time til I can die...and yet I also find myself feeling angry; refusing to give in to death so young. I do not want to walk through life simply waiting to die. I find myself resenting the universe. I feel too young to be a widow and yet too old to be starting over again.

I miss him horribly and I am so incredibly angry that he is gone. I am not angry with him...I love him more then words can express. I told him once that I could forgive him anything and I find that I can even forgive him for dying. It is the universe and God I am having a hard time forgiving.

I can see him in my mind...I do not have to close my eyes to see him...he is with me always, part of me, part of my heart and my soul. I miss his hugs more then words can express. He could make the world go still when everything was too much. When things were too loud, too bright, too sharp, too scary....he made the world feel safe and still. Nothing was too much when he was here.

I feel a bit as though I am being buried alive. There is no air and even if there were my lungs can not bring that air into my body. Half of me is gone...half of my heart died with him. Somehow I have to learn how to function in this world broken. I know someday the broken pieces will knit together into a Frankenstein of a form...freakish and scarred and yet somehow it will have to function.

I do not feel beautiful today...I feel shattered, old and hollow.

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I feel a bit as though I am being buried alive. There is no air and even if there were my lungs can not bring that air into my body. Half of me is gone...half of my heart died with him. Somehow I have to learn how to function in this world broken. I know someday the broken pieces will knit together into a Frankenstein of a form...freakish and scarred and yet somehow it will have to function.

Dear Lina,

I am so sorry you have to go through this pain. I know birthdays and other anniversaries are difficult, some more than others. The words you wrote (above) are similar to words and thoughts that I have expressed also. The difference is that those broken pieces are not knitting together into a "Frankenstein of a form...." . I am scarred but if we use losses well, as I am trying sooooo hard to do, the losses can transform us into someone more compassionate, stronger, more sensitive to the pain of others and a lot more." I am not exactly sure how that happens but it is happening for me even though I, like you, could not breathe and knew that half of me is gone. I still feel half of me is gone. I think reading, journaling, meditating all help as we walk through grief. But the bottom line for me, even when I lost my way on this brambled path, has been a sense of determination that I will not let this destroy me nor will I let it turn me into something less than I am. Do I fall flat on my face?...at least once a day if not more often and sometimes grovel there...but eventually I get up, dust myself off and keep on. It is tough...that I know for sure. It is lonely...for we miss that one important person..but Bill's death besides being the very worst thing that has ever happened to me, is making me stronger and more aware. I hope you can see your way clear to know that you do not have to become a "Frankenstein" but that you can become stronger, more beautiful and your love will be smiling down on that new you and waiting for you. Peace, Mary

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I agree with Mary's point. It is too soon to see it, but there is a silver lining to going through hard places, such as the things she's named...being more empathetic, compassionate, more depth, knowing what's important and what isn't...it just gives you a different perspective. Being more appreciative, not taking things for granted. Learning to live in the moment. Yet all of us would trade everything to have them back for even a short time.

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I will try to remember you words of hope. Thank you. Right now it is hard to imagine that this all could make me a better person...right now it just makes me feel hollow and like a lot LESS of a person. I feel less compassion for others...I simply do not have any energy to offer anyone else right now and being there for others takes energy and strength. My deep inner hope seems to have withered, I am cranky and tired all the time.

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Lina,

I can understand so many of the things you are saying and feeling, as I too feel that way most days. But, Mary and Kay I also agree with and Mary has such strength, style and wisedom! She gives such good advice, as does Kay and so many others who have been on this path for a while longer than we have.

We still need to allow ourselves the time to process and work through this grief, and even though we will be different people due to our losses it doesn't mean we will not be strong, beautiful women once again that will be able to help others on our path. I know you said you feel to old to start over, I get that, as I am older than you and can't even imagine that at this point. But, no one is saying run out and find a new man, they are saying give yourself time, care and open yourself to new possibilities for life! Then, if some one new comes along, great, but if not, at least you have a strong foundation to stand on, on your own! No frankinstien, just a young beautiful woman that has had to change her course of direction in life, due to the loss of her wonderful husband!

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Lina, all of us have felt the way you feel. It is early in your long journey. Of course you do not feel like a better person right now...you just empty, hollow, sad and sometimes angry as you have said. But in time...you can allow this sad event to strengthen you...right now you are still trying to accept the reality of it. Just tuck the thought away that someday you can feel strong again..and compassionate.

Peace

Mary

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Right now it is hard to imagine that this all could make me a better person...right now it just makes me feel hollow and like a lot LESS of a person.

Of course, that's to be understood. It's hard to see things when you're in it, but clarity will come in due process. Hang in there!

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