Time

[caitlynadams]

Time is the worst. Every day I think its another day he cannot enjoy. Another day it isnt right, I feel like my whole world has rebelled against me and nothing can ever right itself again. My brother was five years older than me and every day I come closer to his age and he's too far away now. I just want everything to stop and replay that day, before I knew. The last time I was happy. Before everything came crumbling down. I feel crazy. I went to a family gathering and people talk about moving on and remembering good times and I just want to scream. I dont want to laugh or remember. I want him here. I do not want to move on, I want him, the world, everyone to know that he was so significant to my family and I, nothing could be the same again. A family member made a joke about his camera and "borrowing" it and I lost it. I kept so much of his things because it just feels wrong to throw them away or donate them. I just want it to stay the same. I guess you could say Im in denial still or whatever. Its the first death I've experienced firsthand and at twenty-two years old I don't know If Im grasping the concept. It just feels weird, foreign. I cannot use past tense to talk about him. If someone even utters the words "He was" I have to run from the room. Sometimes I call my parents house and its ringing and Im like come on pick up... But he isn't there...

[Chai]

Dearest Caitlyn,

I am so sorry that you are hurting so much. I remember when I was at the point you're at, and even a "was" would make me choke to say it, and I'd only say it to get along with everyone else...and how I want to keep everything, everything that my dad touched. You are not alone in wanting to keep it all. My dad passed away in 2008 and I'm still hanging on to the car he drove, even though I don't drive yet, the car is old, and it's damaged from sitting around for years so probably un-drive-able now anyway.

Grief just has no logic. When others continue on in life with all their logic, it hurts us. It makes us feel pressure that we should be like that, too. But we don't want to, because we don't feel normal, and we don't want to pretend. How can we pretend that we're normal, when everything hurts? Everything hurts so much.

I wish I could say something to help. Time is painful now, but I at least have found, that time helps somewhat. Just today I bawled like mad over my dad...but sometimes, over the years, the pain is less, and it has softened and isn't so heavy inside of me anymore. I hope that your pain can lessen too, so it isn't such a burden to carry.

((((hugs)))),

Chai

[kayc]

I remember feeling like that when my husband passed...I don't remember when it went from an "is" to a "was" but you are acutely aware of present/past terms in those early months. We don't want to acknowledge they've passed, we don't want to think of them as a "was" because to us they are and always will be in existence. Someone as vital as my George cannot cease to exist, but rather has changed form and is waiting for me...

[ANC1117]

Yesterday I received a call from a solicitor, ask for Celene. My wife passed a little over a year ago and the call brought on a few emotion: the first was anger at the caller and wanting to reach thru the phone and slap her for not doing more research prior to calling; second was the sadness that Celene was not with me to take the call.

Time has made the loss of my wife more bearable but still emotional. As Kayc mentioned, although the left us physically, the live forever in our hearts.

Keep in mind that we are all here for support, especially when other's don't get it. Prayers and hugs.

Anthony

[kayc]

Oh Anthony, it happens, I'm sorry, I remember how hard it was the first couple of years when that happened. I STILL get phone calls and mail for George, after all of this time, although it's lessened greatly. When it does, I just tell the person it'd be kind of hard being as he's been dead for 7 1/2 years. The mail I just toss...if they aren't aware after all this time that he's dead, it has to be junk mail from old mailing lists.

[ANC1117]

The sad part was that it was from the same company that called a week earlier. You would think they would take her name off there list. I have a shortness for incompetent companies as it is, so putting my grief anger on top of it just topped it at the moment.

Anthony

[kayc]

I would tell them in no uncertain terms not to call again. Are you registered with the "Do Not Call" list? There is a site to report it when people don't honor your wishes too, although I haven't seen the gov't being quick on the draw with response. You can always ask them to take you off their list and hope they have the sensitivity to respect your wishes.

[ANC1117]

As soon as I asked them what was the company name she hung up. I tried calling back and it went to a busy signal. If they call again I will definitely report them.

Anthony

[kayc]

Hmmm...it must be the same place that calls me!