Griefing The Loss Of My 22 Year Old Companion

[mokie]

hi everyone. i'm new here. i'm looking for...well comfort i guess. the pain of having to put to sleep my kitty companion after 22 years is just unbearable. she was my life.

smokey came into my life 22 years ago from an animal shelter. she was 8 weeks old. when she turned 16 she had a mass removed from her liver. since then my life has been evolved with taking care of her every need. she was later diagnosed with kidney disease, hyperthyroid.

last tues i took her to the vet since she was wondering around with a head tilt. my vet thought it could of been a couple of things. a stroke being #1. or an inner ear infection or brain tumor, although very unlikely.

we decided to treat it as an inner ear infection. the next day her left rear leg started to swell and kept getting worse. by friday it was real bad. we decided it was time. my 'mokie' left me friday morning (oct 28th, 2005) i stayed with her to the end although it was so hard. she was very uncomfortable in her last days i know she must of been suffering. i'm glad she is at peace now but now my pain is only begining. it is so unbearable sometimes i just want to end my life to stop the pain. one minute i think i'm fine then i start to cry uncontrolable.

i do have other pets. 3 cats, 2 dogs and some snakes. i know they need my love an support also but my mokie needed extra TLC. i admit they got alittle ignored at times so i could tend to smokey. she was high maintance. i fed her k/d for her kidney disease for a while then she wouldn't eat it anymore. so we fed her what ever she wanted. she got to where she would only lick up baby food.

we were expecting smokey to go sometime since she was so old but not like this. we thought she would go into kidney failure. we would treat that for a while then that would be it. i did hope she would make it to christmas.

[Maylissa]

Mokie,

I apologize for it taking me a couple of days to respond to your posting - just had other things that had to get taken care of....and responding to your loss is hard for me, as your Smokey's life sounds like a precursor to my Nissa's, who is coming up 19, has CRF too, is possibly hyperthyroid, or beginning to be and was also adopted from a humane society when she was about the same age ( 9wks. estimated ). ( She's also had and still has some other problems that are different from Smokey's. ) As well, her brother, Sabin, passed away almost 6 yrs ago and HE had a head tilt when he first became ill, too....and we thought it was a stroke, but it turned out to be cancer.

Reading of your loss and anguish takes me right back to when we lost Sabin, and also to my continuing anticipatory grief about my girl. So I truly understand, possibly even in more ways than you might guess, how utterly devastating such a loss is. I have been saying the same thing as you for all of these 19 years now.....my kidlets are my life, and always were, even before the daily care and management of various illnesses came into the picture...and that, I think, only cements that bond even more, as we then feel more and more responsible for their health and well-being. To watch that erode, whether slowly or quickly, is one of the most painful things about being their caretakers and 'parents.'

I know all about the extra TLC, too, as first Sabin required it and now Nissa, ever since her brother left. I've always gone the extra mile for each of them, and the more I learn, the more I do. Although it might not be the healthiest thing, I know I've become enmeshed in their lives this way, but I don't care. This is what we do for our loved ones, no matter who or what they are. Now you've got the equally difficult task of having to change your role somewhat, putting more of your effort into your other furkids' care, but probably meaning a complete change of schedule and details....losing part of your role as a mom. Not an easy thing, I know.

I have played that head game myself, wondering HOW it was going to happen. Now I can't even go there anymore, because it's too painful and cannot be predicted anyway. I only hope it isn't anything really gruesome for my girl, or something that makes her suffer unduly. I used to naively imagine that both my kids would just 'get old', never realizing how many things can suddenly go wrong, leaving you unprepared and unknowledgeable when you feel you can't afford to be lacking in resources. In the end, it can be something quite shocking and it really messes with your head and heart to have to face whatever it is.

If it helps, I wanted to just die, too, after Sabin crossed, for over 2 years ( I tend to heal slowly from grief ), but of course I had his sister still and wouldn't have left her for anything, either. So I had to just go through the tortuous pain. I'm now terrified of having to go through it again, but worse, in the sense of having lived even longer with my Nis'.......so for you, after 22 long years......oh, I can imagine, but don't want to! That's longer than alot of marriages last nowadays, to put it in perspective for anyone who doesn't automatically 'get it'. I'm also sorry for you that Smokey didn't make it to Christmas, but then if she had, and gone shortly after that, that probably would have ruined future Christmases anyway. Ultimately, it doesn't matter when, really....it's never a 'good' time to lose someone you love so much and shared so much of your life with. I'm so completely sorry for the loss of your Smokey and can only hope that by continuing to share and read here, you will find, if not exactly comfort, then caring hearts to walk with you during this terrible time.

[mokie]

maylissa, thanks for replying to my post. i have been reading it over and over. when a tragedy happens it seem we are the only one. WOW! our lives and 'kids' are so much alike. when i adopted smokey 22 years ago i never thought she would live to be 22. it seems like i just got her and now ...wam...she is gone. you are right 22 years is longer then most marriages now days.

i can honestly say i know what YOUR going through with Nissa. with smokey i savored every day, every moment with her since her surgery 6 years ago. i took her to the vet for a routine exam, vax's and my vet felt something in her belly that didn't feel right. we decided to do exploritory surgery. he found a mass on her liver and thought for sure...99.9% sure...it was cancer. he thought she should of been put down then. i told him i wasn't ready to let her go. when the results came back he was surprise/stunned that it wasn't cancerous. he even sent it off again for a second opinion. and that isn't like dr. newland at all. he just couldn't believe it either.she did have smaller lesions on her liver that he could not take out. smokey was 16 at the time. ever since then we watched her liver. did ultrasounds to see how big the smaller masses were getting. i don't remember when she was diagnosed with kidney disease but just last year she was diagnozed with hyperthyroid.

i had never heard of a cat walking around with a head tilt. she was doing that for a week at least when i decided to take her in to get checked. we thought it might of been from an inner ear infection so we were treating it with antibotics. this was on tues, oct 25th. the next day her leg started to swell and by friday it was doubled in size. we knew it was time to let her go. as much as we were expecting her to go we never thought she would go like this. so friday oct 28th she went to heaven.

i envy you that you still have nissa. TREASURE EVERY MOMENT with her. the time for griefing will be after she is gone.i just want to see smokey again. to pet her again. to have her 'talk' to me. she would carry this one toy around and meow around the house. when she saw me she would drop it and talk some more then purr and purr. life is short. even 22 years is to short.

so i'm trying to go on with my other furkids. gettin into a routine with them. they just don't need the extra TLC that smokey did so they got put on the back burner most of the time. when it was feeding time we had to seperate the cats. my sisters 2 in her room. my other 3 in my room then smokey got the spare room. plus they all have different foods too. her last morning i let her have run of the house. i kept the dogs outside and just enjoyed every last second with her. she wasn't feeling well and you could just tell she wasn't well at all. it was time....i miss her SO MUCH!

[Maylissa]

Dear Mokie,

Yes, I remember that, too. Sitting outside the first spring without my boy, on the log he sat on during a slightly warmer winter day after he'd first collapsed one morning. Sitting there, with his head straight ( he only tilted it when walking around ), trying to find a sniff in the cold air. A few days later, we took him out, all bundled up in one of his beds...to the lilac bush he loved so much, to the Kiwi vine ( that all cats like like catnip ), lifting his bed up so he could see over the fence and around his yard, out of a window on the second floor to look across the street to the tall grasses where we spent so much time playing hide and seek.....it was all so sad and my heart was crushing in my chest, cuz this time, he didn't have the strength to go out there himself....all in just a week's time....and he was barely interested in the outside world. That's when I knew for certain he would be leaving us soon.

So I sat on that log in the spring, bawling my eyes out and not giving a damn if any of the neighbours heard me, while Nissa sat, barely moving herself, on a chair on the deck, not very interested either in all the spring smells and sounds. The sounds of returning Canada Geese, even now, makes my heart wither. It used to mark a happy, boisterous time of year, when Sabin would be bounding around ( he could be very dog-like ), wanting straight-away to be taken over to the tall grass to check everything out for himself. Off we'd go, through not yet melted snow and ice, him getting his paws all wet and cold, mincing through the slushy spots...then suddenly, having had enough of the nonsense that HE'D started, dashing back across the street, giving his Mom a heart-attack for fear of a car just as suddenly appearing, and we'd race back to the driveway...him all satisfied with himself for having gotten his way - the SABIN way - and me laughing in relief that no car had appeared and he'd won the race AGAIN.

Oh, it's so hard....Sabin was only 13 and I'd always thought he'd be the one to live the longest. Yet here's Nissa, 18 and with a myriad of physical problems...yet she still plays, with me and my husband, each differently. He's had to take over the role of 'pesky brother', and she seems to love it. With me, we play different, more respectful games, if you will. No one ever suspected she was that age, as she's a very dainty 6 lbs. and really came into her own once her grief had passed, so she became much more boisterous and silly herself. People would think she was a kitten, even at age 15. But this last year things have gone downhill and I often wonder if I have more to do with that than anything else, having lost my Mom and brother and experiencing clinical depression this year. She's a real emotional sponge. So I'm now trying my darndest to feel better, for HER sake. It IS interesting that she perks up more when my husband gets home, because he doesn't carry the same emotional baggage I have from the grief and my background. Like Smokey, she's vocal ( some Siamese blood in their genes, we suspect ) and in fact, yells for any ol' excuse! We've been chatting up a storm around here, between the 3 of us, for all of these 18 years, and I just can't imagine how desolate it will be without her wonderful, loud voice. It's such an amusing dichotomy - this tiny girl, with this bigger than life voice! I just know I'm going to turn into one of those people who go around yammering away to themselves...and people will 'talk'. Either that, or I'll go pretty much mute, except for the constant crying.

So yes, it's like everything was yesterday, and yet after a time, at the same time, strangely, it can feel like it's been forever, since you last held your beloved one. Time IS very fluid, and not static at all, when we're mourning. It's both comforting and horrible all at once. So you're right....even 50 years would be too short! I don't know that I'll ever be able to handle adopting another furkid afterwards....and yet at the same time, I can't imagine spending the rest of my days without anyone furry. I adore them so much! And yet the grief is so horrific. I'll probably become a foster-mom or something like that. The coward's way maybe, but it might be all I can muster.

I CAN tell you though, that at some undetermined point, you will be able to think of things Smokey did that made you happy, without having to feel all of that heaviness of grief. Sometimes it will be bittersweet, sometimes you'll actually be able to stay in the warmth and laughter, without the sadness. And if you haven't already read some of the posts here about our ADC's from our beloveds, it might help you to take a gander at them, if you're ready, as often these signs of their continuing presence in our lives happen within the first few days and months of their transitions. The yearning for them is indescibable...but so is the love you shared, which never dies. I still hope you'll keep coming back here, as it's so helpful to talk about these things with others who care deeply...and we do.

[Meow-Meow's Mommy]

Dear Maylissa and Mokie's Mommy and Smokey's Mommy - I think a couple of you know who I am, Meow-Meow's Mommy, and that she too had to go to Heaven last Tuesday, 10/25/05, at the age of 16. All of the things you both have written are EVERYTHING I have been going through as well. I miss my baby so much and I love her with every fiber of my being. She was the only baby in the house. We had her sister from 1985 through 1995 and she, Cheetah, had to go to Heaven due to cancer, so in 1995 when Meow-Meow was only 5 years old, we decided to just have her and spoil her rotten and let her be the queen bee of the house, which she was. So for 10 years, Meow-Meow was the only baby, and I wouldn't have had it any other way, she was and still is so loved by me and her daddy, and we both miss her terribly. I lost my dad in 1989 at the age of 48, and it took me 11 years to come to terms with that loss and have peace. I can't go through that again, it almost killed me, so I have been praying and leaning on my family and friends, and have decided, yes, made a decision, that I can let go of the pain without letting go of Meow-Meow. I was able to, after 11 years, let go of the pain of losing my dad, but not letting go of him, so I know it can be done. If you haven't been able to do that before, which I hadn't, it isn't an easy thing to do the first time, I went through all the normal emotions associated with that, thinking I was dis-honoring my dad, his memory, my love for him, letting HIM go, but as I said before, when I was finally able to let the PAIN go and not HIM, it was the most freeing thing I had ever experienced in my entire life, and I know I can do it again. I have decided to HONOR Meow-Meow by loving other furbabies who would otherwise not have a home, or even die before their time, my baby Meow-Meow loves me and wants her mommy and daddy to be happy, and so I will continue our FAMILY, so that when we all DO meet up in Heaven, what a huge family of furbabies, and a mommy and a daddy that will be.

I do have my moments, and I'm sure they will continue into the days, weeks, and months, and even years ahead, because I miss her so much. If I am to continue on in my life, I absolutely must let go of the pain, for me personally, this is what I have to do, because if I don't, I will not be able to bear life, and all I will want to do is die myself, and I know I have a purpose and God has a plan for my life and there is something I am supposed to do here before He calls me home, so I am willing to do what He wants me to do with my life and go home when He calls me, and when He does, I will be reuinted not only with my dad, and all my other loved ones who have gone before, but also all my furbabies and especially Meow-Meow.

I don't know if this has helped or not, I pray so, I would just like to be an encouragement to you all, and anyone else who would read this post, that during our most darkest hours, during our most difficult times, when our hearts are breaking the most, we can be an encouragement to someone else, and we can Honor our babies by doing so. My baby was the most generous, loving, kind baby ever (yours too I know), and she wants her mommy to have a happy life, right now she's playing in Heaven with Cheetah, and getting loves and attention from my dad, and Jesus ) and that brings my heart much joy and comfort, hope and peace.

Blessings to you, may the Lord renew your hearts, heal your hearts, bring you peace, joy, hope and happiness.

If you ever need or want to talk outside this posting board, you may write me at: tracy.herbert@phs.com or tracyeh@deanith.net

God Bless - Tracy

[tattoodlb]

maylissa, thanks for replying to my post. i have been reading it over and over. when a tragedy happens it seem we are the only one. WOW! our lives and 'kids' are so much alike. when i adopted smokey 22 years ago i never thought she would live to be 22. it seems like i just got her and now ...wam...she is gone. you are right 22 years is longer then most marriages now days.

i can honestly say i know what YOUR going through with Nissa. with smokey i savored every day, every moment with her since her surgery 6 years ago. i took her to the vet for a routine exam, vax's and my vet felt something in her belly that didn't feel right. we decided to do exploritory surgery. he found a mass on her liver and thought for sure...99.9% sure...it was cancer. he thought she should of been put down then. i told him i wasn't ready to let her go. when the results came back he was surprise/stunned that it wasn't cancerous. he even sent it off again for a second opinion. and that isn't like dr. newland at all. he just couldn't believe it either.she did have smaller lesions on her liver that he could not take out. smokey was 16 at the time. ever since then we watched her liver. did ultrasounds to see how big the smaller masses were getting. i don't remember when she was diagnosed with kidney disease but just last year she was diagnozed with hyperthyroid.

i had never heard of a cat walking around with a head tilt. she was doing that for a week at least when i decided to take her in to get checked. we thought it might of been from an inner ear infection so we were treating it with antibotics. this was on tues, oct 25th. the next day her leg started to swell and by friday it was doubled in size. we knew it was time to let her go. as much as we were expecting her to go we never thought she would go like this. so friday oct 28th she went to heaven.

i envy you that you still have nissa. TREASURE EVERY MOMENT with her. the time for griefing will be after she is gone.i just want to see smokey again. to pet her again. to have her 'talk' to me. she would carry this one toy around and meow around the house. when she saw me she would drop it and talk some more then purr and purr. life is short. even 22 years is to short.

so i'm trying to go on with my other furkids. gettin into a routine with them. they just don't need the extra TLC that smokey did so they got put on the back burner most of the time. when it was feeding time we had to seperate the cats. my sisters 2 in her room. my other 3 in my room then smokey got the spare room. plus they all have different foods too. her last morning i let her have run of the house. i kept the dogs outside and just enjoyed every last second with her. she wasn't feeling well and you could just tell she wasn't well at all. it was time....i miss her SO MUCH!

[i used to naively imagine that both my kids would just 'get old', never realizing how many things can suddenly go wrong, leaving you unprepared and unknowledgeable when you feel you can't afford to be lacking in resources. In the end, it can be something quite shocking and it really messes with your head and heart to have to face whatever it is. ]

Wow, this is exactly how I felt, Maylissa, when my Smokey passed from this earth plane to the next level. WOW...I really find peace here, everyone is so in touch with each other and supportive. Thanks for expressing these thoughts.