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A New Love


Cheryl

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I have found someone to love. He is smart, easy going, kind, thoughtful amd healthy. He doesn't drink too much, he has a great job. He's a good dad and he he thinks things through before he makes a decision. He likes to spend time with me and loves my body just the way it is. When I talk he listens. When I cry he holds me. But I don't cry much anymore, at least not around him. He has made my life worth living again and I feel blessed to have him as part of my life.

And now for the buts. But what if he walks away? Can I survive the pain of rejection? My gut tells me of course you would. You've survied your husbands death when you thought you would surely die. You felt a pain far greater than most of your friends have ever thought possible. But I'm scared. I know my husband would never have left me. No matter what. Yet I lost him to death. I miss the security of knowing that I am loved sooo much that he would never walk away from me. I try to just enjoy this new love. To embrace the new life we are starting to share. But it is hard to be so scared and vulnerable. I miss my husband. I miss feeling so secure.

I miss the grief wall that I built around myself to protect me from pain. Being apart of the world again means allowing people into my life. Sharing good times. Embracing a new love. Wrapping my heart around someone is so rewarding, so I don't stop myself. Having him touch me makes me feel complete. My heart pounds when he grabs my hand. I tingle all over when he reaches to hug me. His kiss makes me smile. I feel my heart being tugged deeper into his. I pray he is dong the same. I'm scared of loving again. Not because he might die. But because he might leave. Seems silly compared to death.

Looking at these printed words makes me laugh. How could I be so afraid. The worst thing imaginable actually happened to me. I can survive anything now. I am a better person than I was before his death. I exercise now. I volunteer now. I think before I talk now. I am compassionate now. I no longer live to be a wife and mother. Now I live for me. I do things for me I would have never done before. I like me now. I tolerated the old me. So I am greatful. I am a totally different person now. Death does that to you. It changes you. You can become stronger and better or you can stay stuck. This new love recognizes my strength. He admires my perseverance. He likes my independence.

I worked hard for this new life. I deserve this new love. I am going to not lose myself this time. The old me lost herself when she found love. The new me will make sure I can always survive on my own. Just in case he leaves or in case he dies.

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Today I leave for a week on vacation with one of my two children. The second child will follow us in a few days. My new love is vacationing with his daughter in his hometown. This break from each other will be good for both of us. It will allow us to both be alone with our thoughts and our families. I'm even more anxious now that we are apart. i realize how much I want to be with him and it scares me to be emotionaly dependent on someone. I feel like I must prove to myself that I can be happy without him because right now it feels like I can't. I know that it's possible to be happy without him because I worked at becoming happy again when Mark died. I made sure that I was enjoying new activities and new experieinces prior to dating again. I felt good about myself and my life before I met this new man. So why am I so confused and scared and alone and anxious? Why do I feel like my emotions are out of control and like I am about to fall into a deep pit?

My gut tells me to throw myself into somthing physical. Exercise, cleaning, anything to distract myself from these fears and emotions. Hide. Run. Cry. I never expected that meeting someone after Mark would make me feel this way. I thought I would just be happy again. It is so complicated. Or am I just complicating it? He seems fine. He doesn't seem scared at all. He seems so happy and content. Here I sit a total mess. Yet I can't wait to have him hold me again. To sooth away the anxiety. But I would never tell him how I feel. Would it scare him to know what a mess I really am?

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Cheryl I cant help but to believe that what we have gone through...leaves us vulnerable to many what ifs.....I applaude you for going in the direction you are and encourage you to share your feelings...at the time with your new love...in fairness to you and him.....he needs to understand what you are going through.....he is damn lucky to have a beautifull lady like yourself, and you can bring through your experience much to this relationship!! Keep at it and call when you get back! Dave

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  • 4 weeks later...

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