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There is a painting by Edvard Munch entitled "The Scream". The image in the painting is that of a man with his hands clasped to his head and his mouth is locked in an agonizing, silent scream. That image is representative of me as well as every one who contributes and participates in this forum. July marks the end of the second year of my wife's passing and the agony of that event is as brutal now as ever. The one thing that keeps me in focus is our children, the blessings of our union. Even though they are themselves adult and independant, I choose to be present for them as much as possible, and as much as they will allow. They continually demand that I take care of myself, even though I selfishly would rather not. I must confess that I view life now as a dull progression of days awaiting some new catasrophe to strike. I have come to the conclusion that the lonliness that envelopes me is the force that mandates how I function. I believe all contibutors to this forunm would like to be able to post positive and encouraging sentiments, however this is also a good place to simply vent and I am grateful for it.

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I thought you might relate to this painting I did (inspired by Gayle Curry). It is called Agony. I posted this a long while ago and have done many paintings since. This is the first painting I did....I took up watercolor when Bill died. #2 pdf Agony.pdf This one speaks for my feelings. It is 28 months today and yes, I can relate to what you said...the dull progression of days...I don't await catastrophe but emptiness is huge.

Peace

Mary

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Marcplum,

Wow, that is a graphic depiction of our inner feelings. I would have to say, that for me, it took me until some time in the third year to fully process George's death. That doesn't mean I was "over it", I don't think one ever gets over it, but you do learn to eventually exist with it. Life seems hollow now compared to before...I try not to compare very often, sometimes a memory will strike you and you remember "before" and it jolts you in comparison with now, but I try not to conjure it up, it's too hard. It's been so long since I had his chest to lay my head on and his arms around me, it's hard to remember that feeling of comfort, but I do remember how "at home" I felt with him, how it was the best place in the world to be and I haven't had that exact feeling since. Perhaps I'll never feel that way again, but I've grown accustomed to my life now. I've learned to love and appreciate what IS good about my life. I still feel I live in the most beautiful place in the world, I enjoy the surrounding beauty of nature and animals, and enjoy my dog and cats. I enjoy the few and far between times I see my kids. I enjoy beating my neighbor at Rummy...and not so much the times he wins. :) I enjoy, on occasion, making a card for someone...I used to love making them "before" but I've lost a lot of interest, nothing seems to grab me like it did before. The passion has waned. I try not to think of my life in terms of marking the days until I get to go be with George, yet in a way that is descriptive of what perhaps is happening.

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I really do understand. You reflect my feelings a lot. I too wait to feel passionate about anything. I do have some strong feelings about some things but passion alludes me. I understand. I do not see myself ever feeling as I did with Bill. I am grateful we had what we had. I was blessed big time. He was a highly evolved unique person. I feel the emptiness in all I do. I enjoy painting and my dog but..........

Mary

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