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Fifth Anniversary


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Unreal..I'm so glad its my day off so I can mourn in peace. No one seems to remember..except vaguely it was this time of year he died. Pat grins happily at me from the posters in my office & Jesus looks seriously at me from the opposite wall.

I feel an urgent need to start packing up the Suburban & loading our dogs to go the cabin..& then I realize our dogs are all dead, so is Pat, the cabin was sold & the Suburban, too. Me & Kitty the last Survivor's. The air conditioning moans endlessly..how can this happen in 5 years? We should be going to the Cabin but we are not. It is no more.

In the mean time life goes on. I have managed to hang onto my house, & got a job after the Real Estate Market crashed selling Furniture. I've hung on through True Grit..endless frugality & a need to survive. It has been 2 1/2 years since I had a vacation. I have taken 9 days off for sanity at the end of August. I'm at the end of my rope. If my boss had not approved my vacation request I was ready to say go blow yourself & walk out. I work on mostly comission & it is so very slow in the summer. I have to fight for every Sale.I'm so tired..no health insurance & I will receive the Huge Sum of $250 for 5 days off..but I'm beyond caring. If I don't get out of here I will die. I have to see some pine trees & breathe some unsmog laden air..the brown cloud never ends I have to go & be by a creek or lake & see the stars or I fear I will go insane. I have pushed myself too hard..exhausted. The heat is relentless this time of year..113 tomorrow. 90 in the mornin.

I feel blessed by my love for Pat & also tormented. I cannot forget the last words he said to me in the Hospice "ambulance' a mini van in August its so Hot! I was riding in the back of this minivan that took the the long way to Baptist Hospital..holding on to the Gurney & fanning him..Its so Hot. He fell in the street on July 30th & laid on the blistering concrete concrete for an hour before I heard his screams..the damn air conditioner running getting the newspaper. Pat never came home after the fall.

May the Lord bless him & keep him..he is in God's hands. As I am. I am content that I knew him & loved him..& I miss him so much.

Vickie O'Neil

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Vickie,

I know what you mean about the need to get away from the big brown cloud. My work alows me to get away to northern Arizona from time to time; I am in Flagstaff as I write this. The other day I had a light Friday so as I drove from Flagstaff to Phoenix I took a detour thru Sedona. Celene and I found Sedona so beautiful and calming. I wan't to stay there and not return back home. The memories of the times Celene and I spent in Sedona, made me feel so close to her. I only wished I could have stayed longer. If you and Pat spent a lot of time in the mountains, you will find that special closeness I found when you spend the time taking in the memories of the moments shared. I pray that you find the way to get away so you can energize yourself. It sounds like you have pussed thru so much and need to continue on. Prayers ang wishes.

Anthony

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Vickie,

I want to say something comforting, something encouraging, but I'm a blank. After 7 years or 5 years, you'd think it'd be better, and I'm sure it is compared to the first year, but...we still miss them, we always will.

I'm here if you want to talk...always here, and you've got my email address. (((hugs))), sister. Love ya!

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I missed your post Vicki, I'm sorry. Like Kay, I don't even know what to say for I TRULY understand. I've been hanging on by a thread and I, too, am worn slam out. I push myself everyday to take care of what I have to, and fall into bed at night so tired I'm not sure I will continue breathing. The fight for survival does not seem worth it. I hear you, we are with you, just wish I could make it better. Deborah

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