I Feel So Alone Without My Mom And Dad!

[Aquarius7]

Sorry. I just had to post this at this hour.

I feel so alone and abandoned. Lost my Dad in April 1995. We did not always get along and agree on everything, but the last 5 months of his life we were getting along great. We were becoming friends and he was trying to patch things up that I know he had wanted to between us. Had an operation for lung cancer. Was looking okay. Then had a pulmonary embulism in the hospital 3 days after surgery. Then he was GONE!

Then I lost my Mom, who was the best friend of my entire life in June 2010. Diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer! How can a pulmonologist MISS that????? She had gone to him for check-ups regularly and I always asked her "what did he say?" She would say, "he said my lungs are fine," and then I had to take her to the emergency room to find that out on a night when she told me she "doesn't feel good." How can it happen?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! Gone less than 3 months later!

I just cried my eyes out a few minutes ago. Nobody gets it. Not my siblings, not my significant other, not my friends (except for maybe 1). I can't sleep at night and do not want to get up in the morning. A lot of times I just don't want to go on.

I know everyone has to pass away at some point. But this all seems so WRONG.

Also, I had been seeing a grief conselor after my Mom passed away. Since it has been over 2 years, she has shown little interest in me; no mailings about meetings etc., no return phone calls recently. I guess the "free" sessions have ended. I have nobody to talk to. Everyone has gotten tired of listening to me. I guess after 2 years, you are supposed to be "over it." Yeah...right.

I had a meltdown tonight and had to post. Sorry.

Thanks for reading.

[DebFromLodi]

I am so sorry for your losses. We DO understand what you are going through. Just remember that when it seems everyone else has turned their backs on you, we are here for you. I lost my dad in 1979 and lost my mom on 2/2/08. That was the worst loss i have ever experienced. I miss her so very much and think of her every single day. I wish I could offer words of healing to you but am still going through the same that you are going through. I just wish I could have a dream of her or anything. My daughter has dreams of my mom where she realizes in the dream that my mom is dead and talks to her about it. It is like she is really having a conversation with her. I feel so left out since I have not experienced anything like that.

Keep coming to this site, I am sure you will find the help you need. We do care.

[Miss Ngu]

Hi Aquarius7 -- I totally get it -- that nobody gets it!! I also feel very alone and abandoned by my friends and family. It is truly a horrible feeling. My mom, also my best friend, left this planet May 12, 2011, and I know that life will never be as sweet as with her here with me. Somehow, I keep waking up in the morning, and need to find something to be happy about. If I let myself always feel miserable, it just gets worse. Realigning my thoughts to the more positive side is the only thing I can do, or I will be more and more bitter -- and who, really, wants to be around that! I am not as "genuine" as I would like to be -- but -- not many people seem to be able to handle the truth, I have found. I also have to monitor how resentful I am feeling towards those in my life for their lack of support, and to take a chance and be gently honest with them, to keep the resentment manageable, and to honor my true feelings. Writing on this site, and receiving the understanding and support from wonderful people like yourself remind me that I am NOT alone. I may not know you personally, but you are here for me -- and I am here for you -- along with many others on the path with us, and we're not tired of listening. My heart is with you.

[Unrecognizable]

Dear Sweetheart,

I am so very sorry to hear of your great losses. It is a very harsh road you are traveling. People, sadly, "don't get it". Seems there are a handful that do. My husband died in an accident July 2010, and I'm still messed up. I had several deaths occur in a short amount of time, and it really leaves you wondering....

I wish I had something to tell you that would make you feel better, but we're on the same journey I think. I haven't worked since he died, I have no desire to do anything at all, I sleep late and never feel rested, I look in the mirror and don't recognize the person I see. All the deaths seem to pile up on me, and it shows. I'm worn out. I have no trust anymore. I'm always worried about the people I have left in my life. I think I've given myself an ulcer actually. Gotta go to the docs to check it out.

Any way, two years and one month have not fixed me yet. I have lately been trying to accept that no one is going to help me. Seems like the more I reach out for support, the more people avoid me. It's like I died when he died. I feel invisible and unimportant to people. I've now been educated on the harshest true of humanity, most people...just don't care and don't get it and are living in the world of the living. I guess I am living in the world of the dead.

My husband's brother committed suicide 11 months before my husband drowned, my uncle died 4 months after my husband of bone cancer, and just a few weeks ago another family member passed away. I have to find a way to get back in the world of the living and maybe you do too? I don't know about you, but I've pretty much been a recluse for two years. I go out when I have to, but I don't mix much with people. All my friends are busy, and no one wants to help me, not in the way I wants to be helped.

What I really want...if I'm honest...I want someone to hold me and love me and pull me out of this nightmare of merely existing. I wonder when will I die?? I don't feel safe anymore. I don't feel secure. I feel very, very alone in this world, for the first time in my life. I've been a strong, independent woman my whole life. I just got married in Dec. 2008 at the age of 39, so I wasn't married long enough to have gotten use to it, but after he died it changed my life, it changed me, and I'm not comfortable with either of those things, but I can't seem to go back to the ME I knew.

After two years, I'm starting to think I may never be ME again. I really feel for you. I wish I could meet you and hang out with you and talk with you, having people on the computer is nice, but it certainly does not replace human contact with one who understands. I haven't found anyone in person who understands, and I don't think I will. I'm gonna have to rebuild myself and not sure how. I think you must too.

Anyway, All my heartfelt prayers for you, and across the universe, where ever you are....know that people are out there who care, even if we're just on the computer. I hope we both get thru this, and come out stronger on the other side of our tragedies.

Hugs

[niamh]

hey Aquarius,

first of big hugs to you. Alone and abandoned sums it up well for sure.My Dad got a pulmonary embolism too when in for stupid routine gallstone removal. He had survivied a very serious triple by pass 16 years before and another serious surgery with gall bladder removal, yet he didn't even make it to the gallstone surgery. I hear many stories of people dying of PEs and apparently it's not common in Ireland anyways to monitor people much for blockages, GO FIGURE !

My faith in the medical world here is well depleted now, I don't get how they missed stage 4 cancer with your Mom, it's just not fair.

We all know we have to leave this earth but it does feel so wrong as you say. I had a friend who recently had to return from overseas as her Mom was placed on life support (bad reaction to chemo), but she has miraculously pulled through. Of course I am so glad for my friend and her family but it brings back the rawness to me as to why my Dad didn't survive a gallstone in his system. Sometimes I wonder if he would have had he not been in the hospital. But it's all a bunch of what ifs.

I still have trouble sleeping too but I use an iphone app for sleep hypnosis so it helps.

I do hate waking to the reality everyday and today was a rough one, I really did not want to get up & I feel such an enormous heaviness today that I want to get back under the cover indefinitey.I was "ok" in work, just having a very quiet day not wanting to interract with anyone. Then I was almost home I just burst into tears and same coming in home. I totally get you're not wanting to go on. I wish at the very least we could just visit our parents, just to have even 1 minute I feel would get the through some more of this misery !

I'm really sorry your grief counsellor shows no more interest and that nobody gets what you are going through.I hope you know we are always here, noone here ever tires of hearing about anyone's feelings. I find lately for some reason that I tell my close friends that I'm tired from work (which I am) but most of it is that I just feel too sad and don't feel like hanging out with anyone. It just really wears me down at times.

Wish I had magic words but we all know they don't exist, I just hope you know that you will always have friends here ready to listen and share.

((hugs)) and love to you

Niamh