mfh Posted October 17, 2012 Report Share Posted October 17, 2012 I just returned from the 1st of 5 Mindfulness classes at the UW. I went in rather scattered and sad. The chairs were in a circle and shortly after the class of 18 started, we were asked to share with the person on our right our reason for being there. The woman next to me said she is a full time caregiver for her husband who is slowly dying and that she, herself, is going through chemo for colon cancer. I reached out to her as much as time would allow. Whew! and then shared my reason for coming which, of course, included my own trek through caregiving and Bill's death and my grief. We only had 2 minutes and so at the end of class she sought me out to thank me. One never knows the pain another carries. She knew I knew and I knew she knew. The class was calming and though I totally understand how difficult it is while we are on this trek through grief to focus, concentrate, sit still or stop crying...I have found that meditation and Mindfulness practices which I have done for 32 years have been helpful tools even when "poorly" done. Today the class focused on lovingkindness one of the four methods of Mindfulness. It helps one focus on what is right in life and on good thoughts about the past. I am listing (as promised last night) some more resources for your use. Even if listening to these or trying them calms you a bit, it is a great start. Great book with CD. I spent three days with Sharon Salzburg last November. She has had her own share of pain and this book is basic, helpful and includes a CD with her guiding listeners through various steps. http://www.amazon.co...=susan+salzburg Mindfulness guided meditations on You Tube: Part I Part II Free Meditation Podcasts from UCLA http://marc.ucla.edu/body.cfm?id=22 More You Tube I wish you peace as I seek my own, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 17, 2012 Report Share Posted October 17, 2012 Bless you, Mary, and thank you for taking the time to share this useful information with all of our members. It's the next best thing to being in there in the classroom with you. ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 18, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 18, 2012 You are welcome, Marty. Thank you. I find myself hesitating to offer information about the tools I am using or things that have helped me because I truly do not want to sound like I have this journey licked...far from it. As I stated yesterday, I am just now climbing out of a dark place (one I have not visited for a while) and struggle along with everyone else here. But because I am a bit further down the road in time than so many who are new to this gut wrenching loss I do know it gets better and there are things we can all do to help ease the pain, heal, and honor our grief. I really just want to share anything I have done or am doing that might possibly help even one person through these dark days. Peace Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 18, 2012 Report Share Posted October 18, 2012 I think we all understand that, Mary. I believe that posts such as yours offer valuable information as well as hope, precisely because they stem from your own authentic experience, and carry such credibility . . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 18, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 18, 2012 Thanks, Marty. That is exactly what I intend and why I post these things. Thank you, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted October 18, 2012 Report Share Posted October 18, 2012 Mary, thank you for those links which I will follow up. I am home now after a week away. I drove to Leeds where my daughter and grand children are, last Wednesday. They are a joy but hard work to say the least. , We went on a mini break to Center Parcs from Friday to Monday with my son and daughter in law so six of us altogether. Lovely place with wooden cabins set in pine forest. I had a full body massage on Saturday afternoon, only the second one in my life and it was lovely. On Sunday the little girls were cared for by their uncle and auntie and my daughter and I had a Spa visit. It was fantastic. Almost three hours of relaxation. On Tuesday before I came home we went into Leeds city centre and I took my engagement ring which had got very thin (50 years old) to be thickened. This was HARD as I know when I get it back my Pete can't replace it on my finger. I returned home yesterday and in my heart I think I expected Pete to be here waiting for me. Well in a sense I suppose he is because he is nearer here than anywhere else. Anyway back to the mindfulness. I sleep very fitfully since Pete died (well since he had the stroke last November actually) and when I wake in the night I tend to listen to speech programmes on the radio or ipad. But I have concluded that this isn't good for me as it might be contributing to my poor sleep patterns. My sleep is shallow, so last night I tried a mindfulness Buddhism site and whenever I woke I listened to that. Not sure if I slept any better but I shall carry on and shall visit Mary's links. Your account of the meeting with the woman in the group was so poignant. So much sadness around us sometimes. I think back to how happy and blessed I used to be and wonder if I truly appreciated it whilst I had it, but then again I know we kind of did even though we didn't constantly say how lucky we were. And if we had thought about that too much it might have spoiled our enjoyment of the NOW. I know I have to find some way of dealing with this awful grief and yet at the moment I don't want to go forward as I'm terrified of losing any link I have with Pete. I still feel that if I am wretched at least I am close to him, and everything I read suggests that this is nt the best way to think. But maybe I must just go with the flow. My grief counsellor comes this morning. I can talk about Pete to him which will help I suppose. Whillst away I didn't really get chance to talk about him. There was me thinking about him all the time and no one else apparently doing so. But grief is a truly solitary thing in a way (though not on this wonderful site, where we can share it). Thanks for reading this my dear friends, if you are. I wish I could say something more helpful to others but maybe my time will come? Jan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 18, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 18, 2012 Dear Jan I know it had to feel good to be home and yet lonely when you walk in and Pete is not there. Nice of Sandra to come over and start a fire. Your time with your family and no mention of Pete for a week is amazing. Happens so often and it happened to me. When I brought it up to talk about it with my sibs and BIL it backfired. When will we ever, as a people, learn how to deal with other people's grief? Sometimes I think my next investment of energy will go in that direction. I am sorry you felt so alone there. I do not think grief has to be as solitary as we make it if we could educate people about how to deal with those who grieve which, of course, means dealing with themselves. I guess as a therapist I am so "used to" (if that is possible) people crying that I am quite comfortable with it. It just does not work in reverse as often as I wish it would. I have finally decided who my safe people are and that has helped me not to expect others to be there in ways they just can't. I do push the edges on that, however...test the waters. Is Sandra someone you can talk openly about Pete with? I thought you said she was. And glad your counselor is coming...a time to talk about your feelings face to face. I know you like him. I know nothing takes the pain away but it is, at least for me, calming to share...and far less lonely. See my post from earlier this week. As for Mindfulness and sleep...I have an iPod and have put some meditations on it and soft music. I especially love Medicine Music's Psalm 23. It is 99 cents on USA Amazon. In it the pronoun SHE is used instead of HE which I love. Psalm 23 was the last piece of music Bill heard before he died. I read it to him a couple of hours before he took his last breath because we both love that psalm. (http://www.amazon.com/The-23rd-Psalm/dp/B000TEB35S/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1350567575&sr=8-2&keywords=medicine+music+psalm+23). Also Gregorian Chant and I put the CD from Salzburg's book on it. I also have about 600 podcasts from public radio but I find going to sleep with the latter is more agitating than calming...i.e. get my mind going. I can set the iPod to turn off and sometimes I set it to just repeat Psalm 23 or other soothing music for hours. Chant resonates with our highest chakra and is the most calming music we can listen to. I do understand that it will be sad when you pick your ring up from repair and Pete can not put it back on your finger. When Bill and I were doing various projects where it might be best to take off our rings, we would always put them back on each other's fingers. Strange how we miss so many little things. If I take off my rings now (I wear his and mine) I always think back to that...and of course, cry. Today, is rainy again. I start painting my latest...my palette is almost done. That is so tricky for me...yet. Others in my group (seasoned artists) do it without thought and I have to experiment...they all tell me they still do experiment but now it goes faster. Tomorrow a friend is coming (lost her daughter 5 years ago-gets pain) to do the FAT (Fall Art Tour) for several hours. I am most anxious to see all the watercolorists. Thousands come for this and Bill and I did it every year. Last year as I was approaching one studio, I suddenly burst into tears...because it was a country studio and I remembered Bill having trouble walking up the bumpy path. My eyes fill up just remembering. I wonder how many tears a human body can produce? Endless, I believe. Take care and enjoy being home and the solitude it offers which is different than the loneliness. I know both are present. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 19, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 19, 2012 http://www.forbes.com/sites/peterbregman/2012/10/13/if-youre-too-busy-to-meditate-read-this/ Good article in Forbes (on line) about meditation...spells out some specifics. I cannot live without it. Mindfulness is a bit different and can be added to on or even replace meditation. I love Mindfulness and it helped Bill a lot. Highly recommend it for everyone. Settles me down when I am unsettled or scattered. Focused me on good stuff. Off to the Fall Art Tour...check out the watercolorists who know what they are doing. Peace Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 19, 2012 Report Share Posted October 19, 2012 Excellent article, Mary. Time and again I've heard very highly regarded experts and successful people say that, if there is just one thing they could do to change the world, it would be this: Require every person to meditate for 20 minutes every day. ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 20, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 20, 2012 Dear Marty and everyone, I really believe in the value of meditation for we who grieve. I started for real in 1980 though I did a lot of meditation in my 20s on a daily basis. Mindfulness can be an easier way for those who are new to this to get going. But the bottom line is that the effects of meditation/Mindfulness in terms of stress reduction, focus, eventually getting more in charge of our minds, calm, and so much more have been proven over and over again. Sharon Salzberg's book Real Happiness ( http://www.amazon.co...2755279&sr=1-15 ) one of the best I have seen for beginners. Her website is loaded with good information. www.sharonsalzberg.com. Huffington Post ran this piece on her: http://www.huffingto...s_b_830380.html As I grieve the loss of Bill and attempt to figure out my life and path and even when I get into a dark place as I did this month...I find that making myself sit and meditate calms me down. Granted it is harder to do meditation when I am in that place but it does help. The key is making it a habit...same time every day helps. Peace Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted October 20, 2012 Report Share Posted October 20, 2012 I really like Salberg's book Real Happiness and I can't go a day without reading the Huffington Post. Dark places are NOT fun. I too find that to sit quietly and listen is so cleansing to my being. I am so self-absorbed right now that I don't even mind it. Actually it is quite comforting. It makes me feel good to look back on the beautiful times Jim and I had for sooooo many years. Music is my real connection with Jim right now. I think I have even convinced myself that I see him in most music/nature that I listen to. Peace my friends. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted October 20, 2012 Report Share Posted October 20, 2012 I am meditating daily now and I think it will help me. Concerning music Anne, I still can't bring myself to play any of our collection as even thinking about them seems to make my eyes prick with tears as they are all shared (but so are yours and you get comfort). The thing about music is that it bypasses the mind and goes straight to the heart and I'm not sure that I can take it. Maybe I should just try? It like some other things I contemplate doing on my own and I hear in my head a shout of NO NO. Like when I was getting my engagement mended last week and the jeweller asked me if I would remove my wedding so she could check what carat it was. I almost shouted NO NO. And of course I didn't do so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 21, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 21, 2012 I do not mean to over do my recommendation of meditation as one of the things we can do to find some calm but I happened on this today and had to share it. It is a great intro to one minute meditation and fun. If you watch it and choose to do the one minute meditation, try not to open your eyes until the speaker tells you to. One minute is longer than we think. Peace Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted October 21, 2012 Report Share Posted October 21, 2012 I love that Mary. Thanks. Jan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 22, 2012 Report Share Posted October 22, 2012 Mary, my dear, if you would be at all interested in composing an article on how and why you've found meditation to be helpful in your grief journey, I'd be more than happy to add it to the Grief Healing blog as a guest post. You could include a list of links to all the wonderful resources you've been sharing with us here, so everything would be in one, accessible place. Think about it, and let me know, okay?! ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 22, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 22, 2012 Hi Marty, Thank you for the offer to create a piece (to post) on meditation and grief. I will do that. This week I am working on this community grief service but in the near future I will put an article together. Already thinking about it. I think those who grieve will find meditation helpful and perhaps reading a bit about my ups and downs with it through the caregiving times and now through this grief journey they will feel reassured that it is possible to grieve and use meditation as a tool to assist on the journey...though not always easy for me, at least. I will get something to you. I move pretty slowly these days as you know. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 22, 2012 Report Share Posted October 22, 2012 Absolutely no rush, no hurry, and no pressure ~ Whenever you feel moved to put something together is fine, Mary ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 22, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 22, 2012 You know me too well. I will not put any pressure on myself to do this...but I do look forward to putting something together. Thank you, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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