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Everything posted by enna

  1. enna

    Maui Pasta Arizona made it at last

    Dearest Patty and Steve, Wishing you a very Happy First Wedding Anniversary on the 18th of this month. So much has happened in your lives during this past year. You both are an encouraging sign that love can happen after a great loss. I believe that it is the love you have for Kathy and Ron that makes what the two of you share today so magical. I am so happy for you and I send my love to both of you. You are indeed an inspiration to those of us who are grieving the loss of a significant other. Love to both of you, Anne
  2. enna

    My sister

    Dear Astala, I am so sorry to hear about the untimely death of your sister at such an early age only a few short months ago. You sound like you were very close. I can understand the closeness you had with her. I have lost three of my siblings and the one I was closest to and shared everything with was the one I had the hardest time accepting that she was no longer here. Your loss is too soon to feel anything but the deep pain of your sister not being here with you. This is about the time for the numbness to wear off and for the pain to hit so hard. Much later you will be able to focus on some of the good memories. I like the idea that you named a boat after your sister. Sharing something that meant so much to both of you is a good memory that you will find comfort in for a long time. Anne
  3. enna

    2018 halfway over

    Hello fellow forum members, I find it hard to believe that we are halfway through 2018. It is time for us to review the value of having a discussion group like this. The membership has grown to almost 9300 members and this is so awesome. Knowing that there is a safe place for us to come and share in our grief healing is a reason to contribute financially to its continuation if we are able. Our moderator has placed a donation button to help with the cost of monitoring and moderating a site that has solid and informative information to guide us along the way of healing after significant loss. There is no other forum on the Internet like this one. Marty’s grief healing blog, as well as her Pinterest site, offers more places where we can gather information that is meaningful to each one of us. The site will always be available to us free as Marty wants it to be but we all know that to continue with this forum it is important to realize that the time spent on its success does require some help from us, its members. Any amount of a donation is greatly appreciated and accepted with deep gratitude. Besides the time put into the success of this forum, it does require money to continue with a ‘no ad’ spot on the Internet. Marty would never come right out and say how much it costs to keep a spot on the Internet but a few of us can gently do it. Please consider a donation of whatever you are able to contribute to keeping this site going. I have no problem asking for donations for a worthy cause. This grief healing discussions group is worth keeping it available to all of us. Those who do contribute to the forum thank you and to those who might think a dollar or two a month won’t help you are wrong. Any amount is greatly appreciated. Every post is read by Marty and links to help in a particular need are spot on. The exchange of support by its members is what makes this site unique. Grieving people are the most caring and thoughtful of all and that is what makes this a site to keep up and running.
  4. enna

    Significant Quotes

    Good Morning. Being positive today.
  5. enna

    Articles Worth Reading

    This article appeared in a paper that my friend writes for and I asked her if she would send me the part that I found most helpful hoping that some of the ideas might help others. This is what she sent so I could share it with our forum: Living Well, Dying Well (Published in Voice of the River Valley, July-2018) So what happens when someone experiences a significant loss and cannot bring themselves to deal with the pain of that loss? Instead, they distract themselves, keep far too busy with just about anything and run as fast as they can from the tears, pain, anger, frustration, fears, triggers and even trauma. My experience working with the bereaved for well over 45 years and of dealing with my own string of significant losses, including my husband, is that one cannot bury their feelings without paying a price. I am not suggesting that everyone grieves the same way. That is very far from the truth and actually is impossible. Grief is as unique as a fingerprint. It depends on the people involved, the quality of the relationship, the history they shared, circumstances and so much more. But if grief is buried, it is buried alive and prevents us ultimately from feeling much of anything...we dissociate in many instances from our feelings and ourselves. And when we do that, we prevent joy and creativity from existing. Not a good move. So what do grief counselors mean when they say "do your grief work" or "deal with your grief"? They are suggesting you use these or other tools. 1. Let yourself feel your pain; cry your tears alone if you need to cry or with a friend or counselor. Some people do not cry. Be yourself. But do not deny tears. 2. Share your pain with trusted friends or family....safe people who will not judge you or try to fix you. There is nothing to fix. You are not broken. Grief is normal. 3. Educate yourself about grief. Read current literature on the subject. This great site managed by a friend and colleague has many resources: www.griefhealingblog.com 4. Distract yourself every day with a job, hobby, friends etc. Live your life. 5. Join a well moderated online group (www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com is one I used and helped moderate). 6. Practice self-compassion and self-care. Eat well, exercise, meditate, drink water. 7. Journal your feelings, write letters to your beloved and then write back as if you were that person. 8. Get professional help if you need it from a grief counselor trained and current on the subject. 9. Avoid those who say hurtful things no matter how well-intentioned they are. 10. This one is for you to identify. Creating time each day to do some or all of the above will help you work your way through this labyrinth. Grief does not end. The only way that can happen is if you totally forget the person you love and miss never existed. Grief, however, does ease up as you practice some of these steps. Time does not heal. What you do with time can heal. People have sought me out for counseling 20 years after a loss because they suppressed it and it reared its head. Keep in mind that our joy is as deep and rich as our grief. Deny the grief and you deny joy. Mary Friedel-Hunt MA CSW CBC is a Clinical Social Worker (license retired in 2018) and certified bereavement counselor. She can be reached at mfriedelhunt@charter.net; P.O. Box 1036, Spring Green, WI 53588; or www.PersonalGrowthandGriefSupportCenter.com ps - thanks, Marty, I was about to correct those two links and saw that you gave the correct ones.💕
  6. “Understanding Why People Die by Suicide” This was an excellent webinar lead by Dr. Carla Stumpf-Patton today and the webinar, as well as the slides, will be available to us soon. I’d like to give a few of my notes in case you don’t have a chance to watch this webinar at a later date. ***There are NO answers – we cannot hold ourselves responsible ***Normal reaction to ask WHY? “The person who commits suicide is seeking a solution to a problem that is generating intense suffering within themselves.” ***It is a way to escape the intolerable emotion and unbearable pain… ***Thomas Joiner – ideation vs intent – a desire for suicide – two components: “I am a burden.” “I am alone.” ***The suicide person feels hopeless and helpless ***One has access to a means: firearm, knife, rope, or collecting medications ***Warning signs: talking about it, expressing feelings of the situation being unfixable or beyond help, better off without me, isolating, numb the pain Myths ***Talking about it – the risk is NOT talking about it – every threat must be taken seriously ***Suicidal people want to die. NO, they just want the pain to end Facts Suicide does not run in families Depression is not the only cause of suicide We must be proactive: We can educate ourselves by reading about suicide, watching webinars, etc. Join peer support groups if you are thinking about suicide Use the many resources that are available to us Seek counseling
  7. Keeping you in thoughts and prayers. I wish I could give you joy and a happy heart...
  8. enna


    I love Mary Oliver... Mindful Every day I see or hear something that more or less kills me with delight, that leaves me like a needle in the haystack of light. It was what I was born for - to look, to listen, to lose myself inside this soft world - to instruct myself over and over in joy, and acclamation. Nor am I talking about the exceptional, the fearful, the dreadful, the very extravagant - but of the ordinary, the common, the very drab, the daily presentations. Oh, good scholar, I say to myself, how can you help but grow wise with such teachings as these - the untrimmable light of the world, the ocean's shine, the prayers that are made out of grass? ~ Mary Oliver ~ (Why I Wake Early)
  9. enna


    A thought for the day... DAILY MEDITATION Small Steps of Love June 15 Photo courtesy of SDGimagery.com How can we choose love when we have experienced so little of it? We choose love by taking small steps of love every time there is an opportunity. A smile, a handshake, a word of encouragement, a phone call, a card, an embrace, a kind greeting, a gesture of support, a moment of attention, a helping hand, a present, a financial contribution, a visit ... all these are little steps toward love. Each step is like a candle burning in the night. It does not take the darkness away, but it guides us through the darkness. When we look back after many small steps of love, we will discover that we have made a long and beautiful journey.
  10. I am so sorry to hear that your husband passed away after such a long illness. Of course, you are ‘lost and empty.’ Family and friends mean well when they say that things will go back to ‘normal’ but your normal will never be as it was. And you are right to say that things will never be the same nor will you. Try to just do what you want to do right now. You will have many things to tend to and it will take time for you to sort all those things out. You will feel the need to sleep and for many months you will think you are in a fog. This is to protect you and to keep you from being overwhelmed by all that is going on. There are many people here who understand the loss of a significant other and it is good to know that others who come here listen with understanding.
  11. enna


  12. Steph, This is what Marty says about your question – “Confidentiality - What about privacy? Membership is free but will require that you register with a unique username (not your "real" name) and secret password of your own choosing. Bear in mind that whatever you post on the site will be visible to anyone who visits the site, and may be searchable on public search engines. In order to protect your privacy (and prevent Internet search engines such as Google from finding you there), please do not use your full name as your display name, and do not include your address, telephone number or your e-mail address in any of your posts.” And as Gwen said we are free to private message anyone and share numbers. The above information from Marty can be found here…
  13. enna

    My Heart is Broken

    Oh Julie, what a very handsome Jasper. I am so sorry you have this pain. It is too early for you to not feel deep loss right now. When we love our pets it is up to us to know what they need. You sound like a very loving pet mama. Sending hugs. Anne
  14. Good Morning, I am sorry to hear about the tragedies you have talked about, Russ. There are many things going on that you have to deal with. Not having a good relationship with your father had to be hard and now that he is gone any hope of a change in him is gone for you. I can understand that you are angry. For your father to kill his wife had to be traumatic. We don’t have answers as to why those things happen. I think that the physical symptoms you are experiencing are normal and I hope you find a good grief/trauma counselor to help you through all this. You cannot “muscle” through this on your own. Meanwhile, coming hear to "unload" about what you are going through is good. We do not judge ~ only listen. Anne
  15. One year ago today (May 28th) my sweet granddog, Fred, made his way to the Rainbow Bridge. I miss him. I miss all the fun times we had together. I miss his visits and his eagerness to bring joy to my Jim and me. He spent weeks at grandma’s house when his mom and dad went out of town either for work or for vacation. He followed me everywhere. He was a true people dog and had to be anywhere one of us was at any given moment. In his later years he had surgeries for cancerous growths and when he couldn’t be left alone he was with me. I lay on the floor with him when he was too sore to move around after surgery. I scratched his belly and hand fed him when he couldn’t get to his dish. He bounced back so many times until he could do it no more. On his last day, the kids took him to his vet and were told that it was time and with broken hearts, they gave the ok to have him euthanized. When they called me to tell me that Fred was in doggy heaven I was devastated and deeply sad. It was hard for me not to be able to say goodbye but I understood the kids needing that time with their precious fur baby of thirteen years to say their goodbye. I am sure that Fred is somewhere out there playing with all his friends including my Benji. It’s hard to think that it has been one year. Where does the time go!
  16. enna

    Music That Soothes Me

    On the Wings of a Butterfly ~ spoken version by Jimmy Scott
  17. 1/21/2014 When my heart is broken I turn to music. Today my heart is truly broken. My home is quiet. Benji is no longer under foot. Benji no longer gives his almost inaudible bark when he wants in from the patio. There is no nudge on my knee to remind me it’s treat time or I want to play tug-of-war with this squeaky toy I have in my mouth. No more reminders that it’s time for dinner (usually an hour before it’s time). These are a few of my comfort/reflection pieces. Please add yours to this thread if you wish. Anne Music that soothes me: Brian’s Song – Henry Mancini http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w26pW2Uz2-Y Songbird – Eva Cassady http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFFo1pu4q7Q The Promise – Tracy Chapman http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r67RjdVKSrY Hallelujah – Leonard Cohen http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YrLk4vdY28Q Amazing Grace – ll Divo http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45lC97l9zBc Pope Francis – Make me a channel of your peace http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jdl1ajNpWjQ Holy Holy – Neil Diamond http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQwqQwD6OOw I Am I Said – Neil Diamond The Best of Tchaikovsky http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_WWz2DSnT8 Tchaikovsky: Swan Lake http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9rJoB7y6Ncs The Three Tenors in Concert 1994 in LA http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_9OGUPDamQ
  18. enna

    Articles Worth Reading

    Widower's Grief Wednesday, May 16, 2018 Never Goes Away We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it to the full. Proust In my early days of grief, as I searched through books looking for answers to what had ripped my life apart, I noticed that Rainer Maria Rilke and Washington Irving had different opinions about grief. Rilke, in Letters to a Young Poet, writes that we carry sadness around for too long instead of letting it pass. He says that sadness brings something new into our lives so we should let go of the sadness and pay attention to what is in the shadows waiting to be explored: “A stillness comes, and the new, which no one knows, stands in the midst of it and is silent.” Irving takes a different stance, feeling that we already try to put every sorrow behind us as quickly as we can. Except one—the sorrow that we rightly have over the death of someone we love: “this affliction we cherish and brood over in solitude.” Then there’s Proust and his talk of healing. Who’s right? All of them are partially right and partially wrong, at least in my experience. I love Rilke for the mystery and the challenge of his words, and I appreciate his focus on living in the present, which I neglected to do quite often before Ev died. But he is too utilitarian in saying that what is past is past, so let it go and focus only on today as if memories and grief had no value. I also don’t like the brooding of Irving because this suggests that we should stew in our emotions. As for Proust, if what he said is applied to grief, then it’s wrong. Grief is not a wound that needs to be healed. Grief is also not an illness like the cold or flu that we have to put up with until it goes away on its own because it won’t. We need to deal with our grief if we are going to move on with our lives. We need to let ourselves feel our emotions and to feel them for as long as they last, then let them go when we’re ready. We don’t need to incubate them, nor should we push them away. The sad, yet amazingly wonderful thing about grief is that it is never going to go away. Bear with me on this for a moment. I hear you mumbling. Grief is tied to love for our spouse, child, parent, or friend. We don’t ever want to forget how they rescued, nurtured, challenged, frustrated, and invigorated us, and we don’t want to forget how deeply we loved them. The only way that grief will disappear is for us to forget them, and we don’t want to do this. Grief binds us to the people we loved. Another amazingly wonderful thing is that because we were so closely connected to another person, and still are, in a different way, we are connected to others, too. We need them to help us stay alive, and then, when we are ready, we need them to accompany us back to the land of the living. “All people are broken, in their need for one another.” Amy Fusselman Although it is hard, grief is not something to fear. Grief is the journey we take from a life that has blown up to a place where we construct a new one. Grief is our companion as we hike over the mountains, through the desert, and along the rain-swept shore of the ocean. Listen to your grief. Neither run from it nor wallow. Posted by Mark Liebenow at 6:17 AM
  19. I am so sorry to hear this yet again, Katie, but relieved that Caleb is in a safe place right now. I will not suggest that you not be angry with your God at this time. I don’t think there is a person who has experienced a great loss not lashing out at a God. I remember the phrase “Thy Will Be Done” and have never been comfortable with it. I don’t accept that we can say the phrase and mean it when we have lost a loved one let alone multiple loved ones. I think we all have ‘blamed’ God for something in our lives at one time or another. It is difficult enough for adults to try to understand death so I don’t think a child can understand either without patience, compassion, and good grief counseling. I pray that your family holds each other very tight and believe that those of us here are right with you. There just are no words. Anne
  20. enna

    Funnies: Things That Make Us Laugh

    We can do this...