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[mfh]

I attended a three day workshop (Friday to yesterday) and came home yesterday knowing I had experienced a life altering weekend. Not life altering the way our losses are life altering, but one that opens a new vista, a new way/path, new insights. I know a door opened to something I can not put into words for myself or you. I worked hard (which I tend to do) but so did all 12 of us as did our leader. We looked hard and deep, shared, laughed hard and cried hard, we trusted each other, accepted each other. Today I am exhausted, in my pjs and plan to stay in them. I canceled my trip to see Mary Oliver needing rest more than anything. Opening this path was frightening. I am vulnerable and yes, raw, and was not sure how much looking I could/can handle...since I had no idea what would surface. But I know during all the time Bill was sick and since his death, my looking was focused on his sickness, his needs and feelings, his approaching death, surviving, crying. I neglected me. I know I missed the habits I let go of in order to deal with what was happening including my meditation for a long while, my journaling, my inner work. Now is my time to do this. I will continue to grieve, to feel a sadness that I doubt will ever go away, feel loneliness for Bill and sharing life with my soul mate. I know waves of grief will continue to come...small ripples to tsunami type. I also have another tool to use to deal with this grief, for my personal inner work and probably one I can use to help others (next year) who are grieving, caregiving, dying. I went to this event thinking it might be a tool to use with small groups or one-on-one and came home thinking it will be. I also gained an entire circle of wonderful people this weekend. Some are within an hour of me, others out of state, some get grief. We had 3 therapists, a psychiatrist, and body workers and others in this group of 12 and we all now have a connection to each other and to a yet larger group.

The setting has two labyrinths (one inside and one out in the woods). As I walked them, I took you all with me...weaving my way in and out, back around and to the center....I am trying to get caught up on reading all the posts I missed and hope to do that today.

So, I am going to make another cup of tea and watch videos and maybe a stupid movie. I also have to read a book for book club which happens to be about grief (one I did NOT even suggest though I did suggest Ira Byock's book and it was chosen for February) Bentley is sound asleep...totaled. I had to wait 4 hours to pick him up at the kennel and the house was silent, believe me...and lonely. I saw life without him in it and did not like what I felt. He is scheduled for dog therapy test on Sunday.

My friend with cancer had a very hard week but feels she turned a corner yesterday. We have been in daily (even twice a day) contact. I leave Monday to spend next week with her and on Thanksgiving with her family.

Peace to all,

Mary

[kayc]

Mary, Your pensive post made me stop and think...what habits have I laid aside that I used to participate in regularly? I used to spend two hours every night, walking alone with my trusty dog by my side. Walks with Arlie are quite different. My former dog, Lucky, was completely under voice command and was so obedient. Arlie is distracting, to say the least...all 120 lbs of him can turn into giant pulling if anything comes into view that demands his attention. This can be anything from a horse to a butterfly. I spend so much time dealing with him, it does little to "restore" me in the way that my former walks used to. I think back to the time I used to spend in prayer and meditation...now much of my time is spend in survival. Cleaning, doing chores, commuting to/from work, etc. Not what you'd call restorative either.

I need, somehow, to build into my life a regular time just for me. That's no easy feat when I'm gone from dark to dark M-Th. Perhaps it will be on my commute...maybe I'll put the cell phone on silent and turn the radio off. When I'm off it's easier, I can carve out time for myself, my life is not so hectic.

Thank you for calling my attention to this lack in my life. It's easy to get side-railed, it takes effort to get back on track. I need more balance...regular times to stir my creative juices, times to get out around people, times to just "be". And I need to get back into reading...I have a ton of books, I just need to quiet myself and just do it.

[mfh]

Kay, I understand the struggle for balance...the story of my life. I do like the idea of turning the phone off and the radio. Do you have a CD player or cassette player in your vehicle...I like to listen to chant and calming music sometimes as I drive. Nothing real emotional just New Age kind of music. Our art instructor suggested we paint first thing in the morning. One of the group is still working so she actually gets up early to paint for 30 minutes. I, too, have a pile of books and sometimes I will read one in a night and other times I can't concentrate....but yes, I agree...as Niki says...Just Do It I do keep my phone off until noon each day. My friends all know not to call before noon. I can check for urgent calls but am not disturbed by its ring.

Good luck

Mary

[kayc]

My car is a 2007 Honda Civic...I listen to the radio a lot so didn't use my CD player the first couple of years. I used it about one month and it quit working...by then it was off of warranty. They said it'd be $350 to take it out and ship it to CA to see if it could be fixed...no guarantees. ??? It's all one unit with the heat, defrost, radio, etc. so I'd have to be w/o everything...no can do. So I do w/o the CD player. In my pickup, I bought it at an auction and the employees stole the CD player and radio out when I was driving up to pick it up. The owner of the auction site would do nothing about it. That's okay, it's more important I have radio in my car than truck as I like to listen to weather and road reports on my commute in the winter. Barring bad weather, I can keep it off.

[mfh]

Silence is GREAT also. I love silence in the car also. No way would I pay that much for a CD player. Mary

[enna]

Dear Mary,

What a weekend you ventured into. I am so happy that you went. New beginnings, dear Mary. Although, I am so sorry that you had to cancel Mary Oliver - you probably know all of her works by heart, but it would have been so inspiring to see her. What a special soul. I am so with you when you mention that all your attention was on Bill. It is what we had to do, isn't it? It's your time now, Mary. You have to keep focus on who you are, because you are one very special person. Your generous heart is not unnoticed on this forum. You have been a light in the darkness for many of us. Thank you. When you are ready - you can work on some of us! I know I could sure use some extra work. You told me that you were going to carry me in your heart when you walked the labyrinths. I know you did and I felt it. Again, just shows what a beautiful person you really are. Hope you enjoyed your tea. A few mornings this week it got in the forties in the early morning - yes, here in sunny AZ. By afternoon it is so nice though. I did turn on the fireplace - cozy. My toes get cold! If Bentley is anything like Fred (my grand dog) when he visits the kennel I know what totaled is - Fred will be wiped out for days. I hope I'll be ready for my own dog soon. I am not quit there yet.

Cathy is always in my prayers as are you. Tough time ahead for both of you. We will be here for you. Tonight I attended my first group meeting with HOV people. My grief counselor nudged me into going for the Coping With the Holidays Meeting. It was good. I cried as did all who were there - suffering so many different types of pain. I am still so sensitive that I cry with everyone! We did do some hugging which I was grateful for - I miss Jim. Rest, sleep, take care of you. Anne

[mfh]

Just to let folks know that I am feeling pretty overwhelmed these days, for lack of a better word, and in a fog. I dug pretty deep and opened some boxes that I have not looked into for a long time if ever during those days. The workshop really exhausted me and left me feeling more vulnerable than I was when I arrived but also with another tool to work with. I probably won't be on here for a while...as I sort, catch my breath, get some sleep, and attempt to cloak myself /my rawness a bit....and help my friend with cancer next week. I will stay there Monday through Friday including Thanksgiving. Most of me wishes to just keep Bentley out of the kennel and hunker down here at home with him but I will willingly be there for Cathy who is eager for me to arrive. She has had others helping but she and I can talk.

I will be with you all in spirit especially over the holiday....in addition to our pain and loss and grief, we all have had incredible relationships to be thankful for.

I spoke little this past weekend about Bill and what we had but somehow a few caught something. One came to me and said she knows I am in pain and grieving but she would give anything to have had a relationship like we had. She is engaged for the second time and still said that. We talked a lot. Four or five others asked me if they could see a picture of Bill as they felt his presence all weekend. That all felt good. How grateful I am. And yes, so sad and longing for his presence again.

Bentley takes his therapy dog test this Sunday at 10am. It is a 40 minute process...longer and harder than CGC. I will let you know if he makes it. We both have to pass.

Peace to all of your hearts. I carry your heart in my heart.

Mary

[kayc]

Well I got my "down time" last night...after visiting my mom in the Dementia Care Facility (which always zaps me), I drove two hours home only to discover that the whole town was without power. So I had to unload the car, get Arlie in, clean his pen by flashlight, build a fire by flashlight, change the portable phone for a corded one, shut down the computer (I'll look into why the UPS unit didn't do it later), and light the kerosene lantern. Once I sat down there was nothing to do but read the paper by flashlight or just "be"...I chose the latter. When I was ready to go to sleep, the power came back on.