Why?

[zeeks]

I found out what I already knew the other day. Why could I have not been the one to die instead of my Roger? He was loved by all, better equipped to deal with troubles, calm, patient . I found out that he was the only reason people loved or acted as if they cared for me. That I was a thorn in everyones side. My life has lost all meaning, I used to have a routine and trying to raise the girls with love and understanding. But my son and his wife moved in and now I no longer have a room, or control over the home.... I do not smoke in the house, they do regardless of the rules, I am undermined at every turn, and my granddaughter to whom her grandfather and I have raised since birth was told how he hated me since my husband got him when his mother died. Also that he has told me on numerous occasions how if it were not for the girls he would have erased me from his life after his dad died. I know there is some mental troubles and have tried to overlook all this... but the fact is I can't anymore and the girls hurt because of it. one seems to want to ignore the issue , the younger one componsates and over loves me. The holidays are a bust and the older ones birthday is 2 days after Christmas. I do not know whether I can hang on to see to it her birthday goes as well as the younger ones did... all i know is I want to cease from being here, or on earth. I guess realize the older one will survive without me, but not the younger one anymore, and I used to think it was the other way around. Parents love you because they bore us... but I feel mine do not or could never like me... there is a difference between loving because of biology and liking the person. No one ever liked me for me but Roger, thought my babies(grandaughters) did... but evidently my depression and anxiety shine through and now it appears like i anm truly alone. Sorry, just needed to vent where no one really has any emotional connection. Sorry if I depressed anyone anymore than they already were... I mean no harm. I can't cry because it feeds the fuel for more taunts and ridicule... I am stuck and hurt.

[mfh]

Zeeks,

You never need to apologize here for sharing your pain. Everyone here will embrace you with your pain. I am so sorry that your living situation is so painful and that those around you do not seem to care about you. It does seem there is one little being in that house who needs you...the younger of the two children. Perhaps you two can hang on to each other. You can make a difference in her life and she is making a difference in yours. Again I am so sorry for your pain. Loss is hard enough without having those around you ignore your needs and your person. Do you have any support from a grief group, a church group or a grief counselor?

Mary

[kayc]

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. Do you mind if I ask why your son and his family are living with you? It sounds like you need to take charge of your own home but are either not accustomed to laying down the law to them or maybe there is some special circumstance that prevents you from doing so. It sounds like you're saying you need a place to call your own again. Is there a therapist or counselor that could help you work towards this goal? You certainly have a lot on your plate. Grandchildren are wonderful, but it's a horrible situation to be in, to have them threatened to be withheld from you if you don't do what the children want. I'm not a one to cave in to blackmail but I certainly appreciate the situation you are in.

You can vent here any time you want and we'll listen, I'm just not sure we're able to be of the kind of help you might need, but we're here, for all that's worth!

Just remember not to ever do anything permanent with regards to a situation/circumstances that are temporary. There's times I don't feel like going on, but I have to...it's not life I want to be over, it's the circumstance that's stressing me. Taking charge of our situation is more the answer and sometimes we just need help/direction doing so.

Hang in there!

[Lina]

Honestly unless the house belongs to your son (step-son?) you need to tell him to leave. If the house is yours then you have the right to control what happens in it and how you are treated. He has no right to smoke in your home or disrespect you the way he is. He is causing distress for your grandchildren who in my opinion are more important since they are the children. Also remember that just because a teenager acts like they do not like you does NOT mean they no longer need you...in fact it may well mean they need you more. I tell my daughter it is not my job to be her friend, I am her mom, not her BFF.

*GIANT HUGS* You deserve to like YOU....honey remember you are worth loving and liking.

[mfh]

Zeeks, I tried to find your early posts to better understand the backstory of why these people are living in your house. There has to be a big reason for this. I do hope you can reclaim your turf, set some rules up or ask these folks to leave if that is realistic. In the meantime, I hope you have some support in friends or a group.

Thinking of you,

mary