HAP Posted January 22, 2013 Report Share Posted January 22, 2013 Dear friends, I had a strange dream last night. I was on a bus with a bunch of my former students who were going off to join the military—as were some other young people on the bus. The bus dropped me off at the school I used to work at. As I got off the bus, I turned to the non-com at the front and told him to take care of my children. Then, just before the door closed, I turned back and said—“And they are ALL my children.” This morning I got a note from someone I do not know beyond the fact she follows me on Twitter and has pancreatic cancer. In the note she thanked me for something I did yesterday—a thing I did with hardly a second thought simply because I could and it felt like the right thing to do. And then I understood: We all really are each others’ children—and nothing we do to take care of each other—no matter how small and insignificant it may seem to us at the time—is ever small to the person who needs that help at that moment. Peace, Harry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 22, 2013 Report Share Posted January 22, 2013 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted January 22, 2013 Report Share Posted January 22, 2013 I so believe what you said about how we really are each others' children, Harry. It is the small things that we do on a daily basis that truly count. We think what we do is small but in reality when we reach out to others that is very BIG in my book. As Kay responded to you . Enough said. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted January 23, 2013 Report Share Posted January 23, 2013 I am with you on this, Harry. I think some of what I do for others is no big deal and then they tell me how much it meant to them. I had a weird dream last night...very unpleasant...about Bill. Can't recall it all but it was focused, of course, on his absence. I woke up agitated...and frustrated because I could not recall it. You are right...we are all one... Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAP Posted January 23, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 23, 2013 Dear Mary, I feel like I have one of those dreams almost every night. I can tell there is something nasty down there because even when I go to bed when I'm tired I have real trouble getting to sleep. And often, I put off going to bed with a thousand different excuses. It isn't just Jane's physical absence. There is real anxiety about going to bed and going to sleep. Peace, Harry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted January 23, 2013 Report Share Posted January 23, 2013 Yes, Harry. I find that I go through tunnels-dark, can't see the other end, dreams that disturb, wake up sobbing sometimes, and have trouble getting to sleep. They are not constant...they come and go...less often as time passes, etc. I am in one a now and I think it is connected to being alone and pretty peaceful for a month and then trying to juggle my calendar/doing..an ongoing issue. That coupled with more thoughts about Bill this week...his birthday is next Wednesday and I see slideshows of birthdays past in my mind. On our birthdays we would type up the schedule for the day (surprise for the other) in elegant format, including the description of dinner at one of our more expensive haunts, breakfast out as that was actually our favorite meal out. The day was planned including meditation time and free time. Yesterday was the 22nd and we celebrated our anniversary every month on that day also (dinner out, poems and cards). I guess I am just missing him a lot these days. I hope things turn around for you soon. I know it is tough going through these tunnels especially when we can't define the source of them...and most are just the grieving process but it sounds like you are wrestling with something else right now that is throwing you into turmoil. We are here for you. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAP Posted January 23, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 23, 2013 Dear Mary, You are right. There is more to all of this. The grief is a compounding agent sometimes. I feel like I am going through an identity crisis--if that is possible at our age. I miss the definition my teaching gave me--but that part of my life (a classroom with adolescents) is over and done with. I don't belong there anymore. But what replaces that is still not 100 percent clear. In addition, the goals for Walking with Jane this year are daunting to the point they've induced a kind of mental paralysis that I will work through eventually--I felt this way about last year's goals at this point. The ongoing grief underlies everything and complicates everything. Lately, I just feel stuck. It will unstick eventually, I'm sure. But I need to keep moving forward--and no matter how necessary going back is in order to move forward, I hate that I have to do that. The logical part of my brain gets all of that. The rest of me...not so much. Peace, Harry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted January 23, 2013 Report Share Posted January 23, 2013 Harry, I do agree about grief being a compounding agent. As we move along we see more and more of how it does that as well as the secondary losses we were unaware of early on. I, too, at almost 73 feel like I am unclear about my future. Not certain at all I want to do more therapy though I may keep a very very small practice at my home office (lucky to have an office with a separate entrance). But there is a niche out there and I can't find it. Right now I am focused on increasing my time alone as it is there I find the most peace and calm...and I know the answers can, for me, ONLY be found in that solitude. I am also focused on getting my health back so I quit getting sick or feeling exhausted. After that...who knows. It does, indeed, feel strange to be our age and so lost. I know we will both find our ways...there is no choice but I also know it is demanding more patience than I thought I could muster up. I think being stuck is not such a bad thing...not fun but it is a stepping stone. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 23, 2013 Report Share Posted January 23, 2013 Harry, it's more like you have changed jobs instead of retiring from teaching, you haven't slowed down in the least, in fact, quite the opposite! When you were teaching and you were Jane's husband, you knew who you are...now you are trying to figure out who you are apart from Jane and teaching. It takes time... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted January 23, 2013 Report Share Posted January 23, 2013 I can so relate to this discussion about losing one's way. I sense that all of us on here were busy people (despite in some of our cases our ages). Like my Pete I filled my days with activity both mental and physical. We were quite admired for it and were often told that we didn't seem our ages. I worked part time until Pete had the stroke and was very actively involved in research etc. But now? My centre has gone, the person I related to in every way, the one I talked to about all my activities, even those that didn't involve Pete. And every day I try to fill my time in a way I never had to even consider when Pete was here. Although I am 71 I can't get used to a life of leisure, or rather not one doesn't involve activity which is focused on something. Basically I am floundering though right now it isn't as bad as it could be because I'm gong through all our local history material and sorting it and listing it. It helps me a bit but its all so pointless. But what when I have finished that? It frightens me. Have you noticed how so many people who have suffered the kind of deep grief and loss have written books? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted January 24, 2013 Report Share Posted January 24, 2013 I think in many ways you have spoken for many of us here. Jan, I have found that when one project ends, another one pops up on the horizon. Try to. Stay in the moment even as you ponder the future in terms of what you think you might like to do. As for writing a book...who know maybe you will. I think about it and may do it but no plans. Sleep well...if you are not already asleep. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 24, 2013 Report Share Posted January 24, 2013 I wish I could retire...the daily struggle of survival is so hard. But when I see people who are retired, it doesn't look so good either. I think a happy medium would be good...maybe part time with time for other pursuits. It has to be better than just filling time though... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted January 24, 2013 Report Share Posted January 24, 2013 Yes Kay, I so admire you because despite your deep deep grief you are carrying on working. Retirement is great but you need a focus if you are not to give up entirely on life. I suppose my positive is I haven't done that though inside I feel I have. Mary, I hope something does pop up. Though I find when people say, as a few have recently, we will all feel better once the spring comes,I find myself in despair as its just spring without my loved one (who loved spring). Winter gets my mood better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted January 24, 2013 Report Share Posted January 24, 2013 Jan, I too enjoy my winters. The silence is quieting to my soul. The activity level in the village is much reduced...so less temptation to over do the running about. I also agree one needs a focus in retirement, thought plan to return to work a bit in the fall doing 4-5 hours of therapy a eek and some small group SoulCollage workshop. I mean small. 5-6 participants with a focus on grief. At least that is the plan unless a better one "pops up". Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 24, 2013 Report Share Posted January 24, 2013 I think I only keep going because I have to, so it's probably good I'm forced to work. The day I give up is the day they can check me into a nut house. Sometimes I don't feel far from there. I think the best thing I could do for myself is get some zest back for life. I'm lacking it. George always had so much, that was one of the things I loved about him. Sometimes I have it for a short time, but a lot of time, I just don't have the inner drive any more. I do the things I need to do but I don't have the interest in my hobbies that I used to. Maybe I have low grade depression or something, I don't know, it's not severe enough to seek help, but I could definitely use a boost. I think most of you know what I'm talking about. There is just something missing since George died and being as it's been over 7 1/2 years, I doubt it's coming back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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