Overwhelming Grief, Taking My Breath Away

[ShanN]

It's almost 6am and insomnia, grief, tears, memories have just engulfed me. I've been so busy caring for Leo, worrying about everything... That I settle down a little and everything surrounding my Mom's murder sneaks back up and the pain is indescribable quite honestly.

Everything still feels so fresh, yet it's been almost 24 yrs. The guilt in my heart is immense. I didn't stop him. I didn't save her. I didn't beg that he shoot me and spare her. I just froze. I "let" her find out that he was raping me. How could I have been so stupid? When I was warned... I was threatened that he would take her away if she knew. And then I'm starting to feel things like, how could my Mom NOT know what he was doing to me all those 10 yrs since age 5? How does a Mom not know? How does a Mom not see? I wanted so badly for her to see. To figure it out. I wanted so badly to run to her from the earliest memories at age 5. I remember just looking at her. Holding her hand. Hugging her. Snuggling with her. Praying hoping she would feel my pain and my fear.

Anyway, the memories of that night... That one moment in time, with one bullet... Is stealing my breath tonight... This morning. Tears are overflowing. And the questions... Would she be proud of me? What would she look like now? Would we be free of that evil monster? What would her embrace feel like? How would we get along as Mother to adult daughter? I know her embrace would be... I don't know except it would be as close and warm and comforting as they were when I was a child.

I'm just having a flood of grief right now. I can't even find words to get out to release it. If that makes any sense at all.

[MartyT]

Shannon, my dear, I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time right now, but frankly I must tell you that I'm not at all surprised. Just look at the stress you've been under, worrying about and taking care of your beloved Leo! A person can tolerate only so much at once ~ As trite as it seems, think of a pressure cooker whose steam builds up to the point where it can no longer be contained, and the lid just blows off. I truly do believe that this is what is happening to you. I see by the time of your most recent posts that you're not sleeping well, which means that, on top of everything else, you are sleep deprived. (There is a reason why sleep deprivation is a common form of torture!) You are in a part of the country that is experiencing yet another one of those catastrophic storms, so even the weather is something for you to worry about and struggle against. When so much is pressing down upon you, it only makes sense that many of your usual defense mechanisms start to fail. No longer can you "keep a lid on" all those horrid memories, thoughts and feelings that are tormenting you now.

As many of our members have said to you already, I am grateful and relieved to know that you are working with a skilled, knowledgeable therapist whom you trust, and I have to believe that you've learned many ways to cope with the anxiety you are experiencing. All we can do is encourage you to remember and tap into those techniques now ~ but also I want to normalize what's going on with you and reassure you that there are many, many reasons that serve to explain why you're having so much difficulty right now. You are not a super woman, Shannon ~ you are a human being with a very traumatic past, who's been under an unbelievable degree of current stress ~ most of which is still going on. You are struggling to find and use all the resources you've ever learned, including posting in this forum. Good for you! That in itself is an indication of how healthy and whole you are! Remember that you are a survivor, Shannon. You've made it this far, and you have everything you need inside that strong heart and mind and will of yours to make it through all of this. We are here for you, we believe in you, and we encourage you to continue to think of and to use this forum as a safe container where you can release some of that pain and anguish and grief. ♥

[kayc]

I too am glad you have a therapist to help you with these thoughts and feelings. I can't help but feel that right now today, though, you need rest. If you can try to obliterate any thought of anything stressful and tell those thoughts as they erupt that TODAY you need a break, TODAY you need rest. You cannot be all things to anyone else without first taking good care of yourself.

I don't know if your mom knew or not...but I do know it's possible she didn't. I had a friend whose husband abused her kids for 14 years before she found out...one of the kids told a friend who told her mother, who called her. He was arrested and she divorced him. How could she not know? Because he was a master at deception, that's how.

I do want you to know that NONE of this was in any way your fault. HE is the guilty one, not you, not her. You were a child! These things happened TO you, you did NOT cause them! My poor Shannon, you've just had way too much to bear. Today I am praying for your husband's health and your rest and peace of mind, and I will be praying for both of you throughout the day. Lay down and close your eyes and try to picture your mom stroking your hair, soothing you, loving you, calming you....and rest.

[feralfae]

Dearest Shannon,

I hope you can feel my loving arms around you. I have two daughters in their 40s, and am a grandmother. I cannot imagine what you have been through in your life, but I can empathize with your sense of fear, loss, betrayal, and helplessness. YOu are not at all to blame. And I know that loving hugs through the internet is not much to offer, but I hope you can feel my loving compassion surrounding you.

Everything will be all right. It is going to take a while, but you will get through this. While you are weakened and so very tired, and sleep-deprived, it is even more difficult, as Marty pointed out.

I hope you will be able to find some reading, movies, music, or art to distract you. Maybe talking with a close friend. Right now, as much as you are able, I hope you can turn off the memories, feelings, and worry. I hope you can shift your brain to neutral, and then even further, taking it into a place of comfort, solace, and healing. If you have a Chicken Soup book, or any book that takes you into a safe and calm space. Or a movie, or a poem. I hope you can focus on the upsetting energy, shift to peace and faith, and then to some measure of solace or perhaps even a little joy.

I do not mean in any way to diminish what you are feeling, or what you have been through, but hope to share with you that we have the ability to parcel out the anguish and pain, into smaller portions that we can manage. Then we can take a break, and come back for further resolution later on. I think that is why counselors see us only for an hour, then we go home and sort out those pieces, before our feelings of those intense sessions overwhelm us.

So, if you can, please take the time to quiet your mind, using music, poetry, a movie, a book, or talking to a friend. Be still, have peace. Let your troubles slip off your heart for a little while. You are a wonderful and precious person exactly the way you are right now. Please love and cherish that wonderful and precious person who you are.

I don't know if this will help, but when I was experiencing a lot of guilt, I found this site helpful: http://theselfcompassionproject.com/

and these meditations:

http://www.self-compassion.org/guided-self-compassion-meditations-mp3.html

Please know I am sitting here typing, and holding you in my heart and arms. I send

Much Love, Blessings, and

*<twinkles>*

fae

[ShanN]

Thank you Marty, Kay, and Fae...

All your words speak so warmly to my heart.

It is true, I am sleep deprived. On top of mental and emotional exhaustion.

So much so, that I'm finding it hard to find words. And it's 3:35 in the afternoon and my eyes are literally closing. Leo is alright. I can't do anything about the near 3ft of snow outside covering and surrounding my car... And they are just starting to plow little by little. So I'm in bed, typing this on my iPad with eyelids drooping, fighting to keep them open. Can't fight it anymore.

Gnight. Your replies... I thank you for them. You all have amazing strength in your words. And the biggest hearts.

Peace and Love...

[mfh]

Sleep well, Shannon.

[ShanN]

Haven't gotten much sleep... Just dozing. I've been vomiting etc... For the last 24 hrs. And the plow person, dumped all the snow in our parking lot behind OUR space!! Huge pile. Blocking others spots too. But they didn't have their cars there. I can't believe this idiot did this and has not been back since he did it last night! I am so upset. And there is 3ft of packed heavy snow all around and on top of the car. Going to call the landlord tomorrow to get the plow company to fix it! Grrrrrr!!!! It doesn't look like ill be out anytime soon. And Leo is being sent to a rahab/nursing facility tomorrow. Uggghhh!

I'm trying my best to keep fluids in me. But they are more quickly coming out than I can keep up with.

I can't get out myself. But I know if I have to an ambulance can get here. About a year ago, I had this bad and was in the ER for a couple days for fluids because my BP dropped too low. Hoping that's not required. I'm trying my best. Sipping water, ginger ale, and ice chips.

Nervous about Leo going to the nursing facility... And I can't be there until I'm better and can get out and unburied. But I have to trust he will be in good hands.

Back to rest...

[feralfae]

Oh, Dear Shannon,

I just posted over on another thread, and did not come here to look first. I am so sorry you are dealing with such an overflowing load of things.

Is it time for you to go to hospital? It sounds as though you are not in good shape at all. Is there anyone you can call? A neighbor? Someone you know nearby? Please go sooner rather than later. Have someone there with you if you can.

Yes, it certainly seems you took the right paths and Leo is where he needs to be. Maybe it is time for you to turn some healing attention to yourself, dear? Hummmmmmm?

I hope others will stop here and add some better advice. I wish I knew more to tell you, dear one.

At least go see your physician and have a physical. Please.

I wanted to edit this in case you see it yet tonight. Please try to relax and do some deep breathing. I hope you can sleep well tonight. In fact, I hope you are already asleep and won't see this until tomorrow. I hope you are feeling better.

And I hope you get some medical help for YOU asap.

{{{hugs}}}

*<twinkles>*

fae

[ShanN]

Well, management was kind enough to get the car dug out. I am still sick. Called the dr and he prescribed Flagyl. I'm just resting now. My BIL got the prescription for me.

My BP is doing ok. Not that low. I'm just obviously not taking my BP meds or it will be too low. I'm keeping up on sipping fluids.

Our dr said its going around. EVERYTHING is going around.

Going for a nap now.

[mfh]

I am glad your car is freed of snow. I surely do not like my car being unavailable just in case....

Keep taking care of YOU.

Peace

Mary

[feralfae]

I am so glad that things are better today.

Yes, as Mary said, keep taking care of YOU. That is your job right now.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

I didn't see this either...I'm glad you have your car dug out now! It's not a good position to be in when you're sick! I hope you continue getting better and I'm glad your BIL got your Rx to you. I don't know of any way to hurry the flu along, just drink plenty of fluids so you don't get dehydrated and rest a lot, that's all I know to do. This must feel like a really hard time to you, but remember it's temporary, it'll pass. Hang in there!