I Need Your Help

[boogieman]

You would think that with these unusual hours I keep that I would be upset or something.

It's 4:29 am and I hear the doorbell ringing.

Nothing pleased me more to find no one there again. I had laid down, crying and thinking of My Paula, and she came to let me know she is thinking of me too.

To answer my earlier question about what am I supposed to do? My Paula provided the answer.

It is my duty, honor, and pleasure to wait for her, and be here for her, so she can turn to me at her discretion.

Just as it has been for 35 years. And I will never let her down.

And that will have to be enough for now.

Why do I need sleep when I can commune with My Paula, my beloved wife.

We are sharing a cup of coffee as we speak. French Vanilla, one of her favorites.

[feralfae]

Oh, dear Chris,

After Doug left, I would still set his place at the table, cook his favorite meals, and it took a very long time -- months and months -- before I could let go of those habits. I would hang his towel on his rack after I washed it, even though he had not used it, of course. I am still not able to cope with sorting through his things. His desk and files are being sorted and stored by others while I am not in the office.

Chris, Your Paula is always going to be with you. I cannot imagine a love such as yours disappearing. Your life will go on, and you will begin to find pieces of life that you can pick up again, or new pieces to carry you along, but Your Paul is always going to be in your heart and life. She is not going to let you down, and I think that is part of what she is telling you with each visit. She loves you and is still there for you.

Blessings, and try to get some rest, so you can beat that infection and heal and be a lot stronger and ready to enjoy the cooler days as they arrive in your part of the country.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Chris,

Thinking of you today...

[boogieman]

Headed off to the dentist/oral surgeon early tomorrow. Might be a few days before I get back to the computer. One never knows.

I hope I can sleep tonight. I haven't slept more than 2-3 hours a day since last Thursday.

[kayc]

I hope you can come right home and go to sleep!

[boogieman]

Feeling bad yesterday. Swollen and sore, bleeding. Difficult afternoon. Didn't sleep well last night. Nauseated this morning. Swelling, soreness, upset stomach, headache from no rest. Trying to rest this afternoon. Not much success there either. Might load-up on pain meds to get some rest. Had a bite of late lunch, a scrambled egg. Hope it stays down. So back to bed I go.

And 5 months ago today we had My Paula's services.

[kayc]

Chris,

When do you see the dentist?

[boogieman]

I had the surgery on Wednesday. It is now Friday and I am feeling somewhat better. thanks for asking.

[mfh]

So glad you are doing and feeling better, Chris. Now take care of yourself. Surgery matters...

[kayc]

I'm sorry, I forgot Chris, I think this has just been a crazy week for me. Wed. is when I had my accident, Thurs. got my job cut. I'm hoping you're doing better with it behind you. Sometimes it takes a few days.

[boogieman]

Accident? You doing OK? Job cut?

I lose track of the days regularly.

[kayc]

I'm okay, it's just more of a hassle than anything. Mon. I have to drop the car off for repair, 60 miles away from here. I'll work one day/wk in Oct plus have vac. this week and the week of Oct 7, and then I'm done there.

[mfh]

Kay, this is not just an inconvenience in my humble opinion. It is one more kick following so many others. I know you are done with your job at the end of October. Maybe a door will open...remember Sound of Music...when a door closes , a window opens. I pray for a large picture window that leads you to a job you love...with insurance. Miracles happen.

[kayc]

When I said it's an inconvenience, I was speaking of the accident.

[boogieman]

Sorry KayC. Life has a way of ganging-up doesn't it. Praying for better things for you.

Recovering from my ordeal. Mouth is still sore and jaw numb but tingling too.

Greg, Bobbie, and Chrissie unexpectedly all came by about dark last night. We had dinner and a very nice visit. They stayed until almost midnight.

Rained all day yesterday which was needed and appreciated but it is 100* here today. Muggy doesn't describe it.

I heard My Paula at the door at 2:18 am this morning. Haven't heard from her since last Tuesday. How very nice of her to call on me.

I slept until 1:45 pm today.

Now the day is shot and I am feeling lonely again.

The counselor came Friday morning. She is going on vacation and wont be back for 3 weeks. Oh well.

And life goes on with or without me.

[kayc]

Chris,

I'm sorry your counselor will be gone so long, wow! Remember, you can talk to us.

I can't imagine living with 100* weather, I lived in Phoenix for four months when I was 17, but the rest of my life has been in Oregon, it rarely gets that hot. It's cold and rainy here now. It was 90 a week ago and now it's getting to 50s is all, 40s at night, what a drastic change! Not used to this in September!

I think it's nice that you get the doorbell rings, I wish I had something tangible like that. Sometimes it seems a dream that I ever had George at all, it brings me to tears. It's hard to believe I've survived this long when at the time I didn't think I could make it through the day or a week. But I guess life doesn't ask us, just doles it out.

The nearest prospect I have is St. Vinnie's but that'd mean being on my feet all day, which I never have, and with Neuropathy, I don't know if I could do it...I guess I could try. They just did some hiring though so it might be a while. And it'd be minimum wage. I haven't had to work minimum wage since I was 16! But this is what life has come to. I really don't want to commute anymore, I'm afraid I might not live long if I did, besides I figured out what it costs to operate my car and it figures out to 56 cents/mile if you figure in depreciation, maintenance, tires, fuel, etc. for the life of the car. Honda did a work up and came out with the same numbers. With 100 mile commute a day, that's $7.00/hour off the top! So I guess I can afford to work minimum wage locally in the long run, esp. with medical insurance. So I'll try to get on there next time they hire, I have a friend that works there, so she can let me know when. I really don't want to work full time either, I'm getting old and tired, but maybe without the commute it'll feel different. Esp. if I like the job/people. Nothing could be worse than where I've been at the last seven years.

Last time I had a tooth pulled it took two weeks for the pain to subside, they had tried to save the tooth, both my dentist, then a specialist, so it was sore before they pulled it...three times in one week on the same tooth, it about did me in. I hope your painkiller is helping.

I wish you were like me and could fall asleep to t.v. I can't hardly stay awake for the end of anything!

[boogieman]

Sitting alone in this big house magnifies my solitude and loneliness. I realize there is nothing I can do, nowhere I can go, no one I can be with, that will ever come even close to filling the relationship I had with My Paula. And it just breaks my heart again. And again. I'm OK for a day or two but can't get past the empty loneliness that surrounds me constantly. I am not a happy person any longer. Life is a series of heart breaking events revolving around My Paula. And there is no end in sight nor expected.

The doorbell surprises are wonderful but I find I want and need more. I am not being ungrateful or selfish, just wanting and needing more. My Paula is so near yet so very far away. Close enough to almost touch but unreachable at the same time. This is driving me to a state of madness. I know I am on the brink of "loosing it" at any given moment. Especially on these long lonely days with nothing to do but reflect on what has become of my life, in effect, trapped in my prison cell. This house is so lonely and empty without My Paula. Visits from the children and family are cherished and appreciated. They are but a fleeting moment never lasting long enough, as I know I must return to my loneliness and solitude.

So I sit at this keyboard in utter loneliness, crying, pouring my heart out to anyone who might be listening. How lonely can, must, a person be?

I appreciate your indulgence. It is still early for me, my mouth is sore, chest hurting, headache, and so sad and lonely. I am so very tired from sitting here hoping for something better that just won't come. Time for pain meds and bed.

[kayc]

I know, Chris. The loneliness gets to me too sometimes. At first it drove me berserk, but now it's just some of the time so I guess that's an improvement. The hardest part is feeling like no one really cares. My sisters "do their duty" and call now and then, but my kids seldom do that even. I'm alone and I know it.

[mfh]

Chris and Kay, I agree the loneliness for that special person is more difficult from time to time.Ever present it depends with waves of grief, special days and for no reason we can identify. I know that it will always be that way...

Mary

[boogieman]

It's well after 3:00 am on Tuesday morning. Can't sleep, again. I just don't have a clue as to what to do . I think about My Paula constantly. She fills my every lonely solitary moment. Always on my mind, ever present, ever calling out to me. Never out of my thoughts and this is leaving me so very unsettled and uncertain about any aspect of my miserable life. I certainly can't go back, and I see no means of moving forward. No path that leads to peace and comfort, or some sort of ease and/or relief from the torment of being so very alone.

Sunday afternoon Greg and Bobbie were here. They brought food for dinner and left at least 2 servings. Our grand-daughter Chrissie came over Monday evening and brought dinner and extras. Our daughter Emily came by a little later with dinner and extras too. Now the fridge is full and I have absolutely no desire to eat. Not hungry. No appetite. My life is on complete hold as I have no idea how to move from where I am presently trapped. I am absolutely miserable from all this. Nothing interests me or holds even the slightest draw. I find I have no desire to interact with anyone at anytime. Yet I am so completely miserable and lonely alone. I put on a strong front when family comes around, for them. They can't accept the sad pitiful lonely DAD. And I can't get past being that.

Being 65, and alone, and retired, and a widower, and tired, and sleepless, and a non-consuming contributor to society has left my life in a state of complete, utter, inconsequence. I am so completely lost and useless without My Paula I don't know what to do with myself. It seems I am doomed to this extremely unsatisfying life for the duration of my days. And my BP has settled to around a 115 over 65 average. YEA! I get to live a long life!

I would go back to bed but I KNOW the futility of that. Being and sleeping alone is a situation I will NEVER grow accustomed to. Rant and venting over.

[mfh]

Chris, I am so sorry you continue to have such long sleepless nights and I know having your therapist gone for these weeks leaves you feeling even more alone. Your family are certainly showing love and concern for you with visits and meals. You said you "put on a strong front when family comes around" and I really wonder if that is the wisest move. They are coming because they care and are concerned about you. If you hide your pain from them, I wonder if that is being fair to yourself or to them. The obviously love you and probably want to know what is going on with you just as you would want to know if any one of them was in the pain you are in. You might also find, if you open up to them, that they will open up to you. Frequently famiiy members protect each other from their pain and when one of them finally opens up, others do also. You need them. And talking honestly to them might help alleviate some of the pain and sense of being alone that haunts your days and nights. Is there one person in that group that you trust more than others...you might invite just that person over and be open with that person about the reality of your life and that you would feel less alone if you were more honest with family. You might be surprised how much this might help. Just give it some thought, at least and perhaps test the waters by contacting just one of them.

Mary

[feralfae]

Dear Chris,

I can only second what Mary said above.

The more honest we can be with others about our feelings, the more we can heal, and also, the more that we are showing others that it is okay to have these emotions of grief, sadness, loss, and deep emotional pain.

You are not a tough guy: you are an honest, caring, loving and hurting man, and a husband who has lost his wife. I think it is fine to be who you are, and how you feel, especially with your family.

Peace to you today, Chris, and I am wondering if you have tried any meditation yet. I have found it to be one of the most helpful practices in my life.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Chris,

I hope you are at least talking with your family members about Paula, I found it really helped when I could talk with my kids or sisters or friends about George. Remember him with others helped me feel he wasn't forgotten and I wasn't alone in my feelings.

I know these three weeks are going to be tough...hang in there.

Try to make yourself eat a portion of food at mealtime whether hungry or not, it helps your brain function at its best and you need that to be able to deal with all of the emotions you are experiencing.

(((hugs)))

Kay

[boogieman]

I have tried the "being open and honest" approach before. The children are still coping with My Paula's loss too. They , just like everyone else, have no idea how to address my deep personal grief and earth-shattering loss. They try to be supportive and understanding but their reality still effects them too. So the depths of my devastated life are not completely understood by them to the point of offering any meaningful support. I realize that my loss is not their loss from my perspective. And as seemingly the case, they recoil and draw-back in the face of my situation they can't and don't fully understand nor fully comprehend. It is only natural and I certainly hold no ill feelings towards them for any of this. Speaking of My Paula produces awkward situations as they see and are reminded of just how great my loss is. They have no means of easing my pain as it reminds them of their loss, too. It is a self-defense mechanism. They care enough about me to not want to see the agony on my face, the loneliness in my heart , that my life has become. It is too painful for them. And I understand.

So in the end I, we, are left completely alone to grapple with these monumental issues from our own dealing and coping abilities. Speaking for myself, I find my ability to deal with, and strive so hard to understand and accept this reality, completely totally inadequate. I am fully convinced that in my case the paradigm is "three steps back, one forward". I know, sense, and feel a trend of regression, not progression. I am moving steadily backward, not forward.

All that being said, my open honesty only seems to serve as a deterrent to being able to express the true depths of my sorrow, loss, grief, and shattered existence with them. It is simply more than they can understand and accept me as I now am, and shall probably always be as long as I live.

To alleviate the utter loneliness I experience deep within my soul, I know from experience the only means of interacting with anyone is to hide and shield them all from the true nature of the shattered miserable lonely existence I must face alone.

And at that I am a complete miserably failure.

The shattered pieces of what was a beautiful life can't, don't, wont, go back together in any way, shape, form, or fashion to allow me to have anything approaching a life that I can accept, much less enjoy.

You all say "give it time". Time and this miserable deep seated loneliness are two factors I have yet to even be able to face, much less cope with.

If all this adds up to me being "weak" , then so be it. I freely, honestly, openly, admit I am not strong enough to face the reality of this.

I am so glad that "Fall" is finally here. It is already 103* here. So I am once again forced inside to deal with the sadness and loneliness of my existence.

[lilacsandladybugs]

Chris,

I hope you can hear what I have to say. I understand that you feel alone among those whom you need compassion from the most.

This is so typical of a family dynamic when some one dies who is so important as Paula is. I use the word "is" as in her spririt is still with you and around you. The people I needed the most to be there with me were Kathy's parents. For them, denial of pain was the path they chose. To have me around them only reminded them of what they were avoiding.... grief itself.

Her sister even suggested I not stay at their house when I would come up to visit as it would just upset them. The point I am trying to make is that you cannot even if it should not be that way, receive the compassion from those people. You can come here Chris. Here is your safe house where caring souls are in abundance.

I want to also suggest that you need to find a grief counselor who you can see regularly. I mean often. You are a grieving person Chris. You are what a griving person looks and behaves like. Trust me on this. It isn't a matter of "give it time". It's a matter of surving untill you survive. If you don't take care of yourself, your body will find a way of giving up on you. I doubt Paula would want to see that happen.

Stephen